To rage against screens

[cadburyegg]

When I was a kid if I spent too much time on screens it would be watching too many episodes of the animals of farthing wood on VHS. Pretty harmless.

But now it is so easy for screens to become yet another thing to worry about. My kids are 10 and 7. They have access to an old iPad which I limit their use of. I have locked it down to a huge extent and did a great deal of research on how to do it properly. It is set to lock after a certain time. They cannot download apps without permission. Guess what, the lock feature doesn’t work. It is set to lock after 7pm, it would still work now. The parental controls don’t work properly to restrict time on certain apps either.

We have an Xbox which doesn’t actually cause too many issues as it is locked down. but I am the strict one compared to all their friends parents apparently. I don’t allow them to play multiplayer games where they can play with strangers. But their friends are allowed to do so. So my ds7 wants to go to his friend’s house all the time because he can play something he can’t at home. How do I know how safe this is and that the kids aren’t playing/chatting with some pedophile?

I got my 10 year old a Nokia phone which he does use for phone calls and texts particularly when he is with his dad. I keep asking him to take it to school now he is starting to come home by himself sometimes but for obvious reasons children have to hand their phones in to the office in the morning. He won’t do this because he is embarrassed that “everyone else who has a phone has an iPhone” - which is true. I’ve seen the box in the school office for the kids phones and they are all smartphones, without exception.

He found some old iPhone in a cupboard a week ago and charged it up without my knowledge. I’ve taken it off him now but FFS it always feels like they are one step ahead.

The kids watched some scary TikTok video compilation at their dads house about 3 months ago and the 10 year old was so freaked out that he wouldn’t go to sleep without me in the room for about a month after.

Please do not tell me to “step up and parent” that is exactly what I am doing. My point is that tv etc could be something that kids could watch whilst I’m getting dinner ready. It makes things harder not easier. I’m fed up!!

Yes I agree, I am similar to you and I limit it. Eldest son is 6 and I won't allow him a PlayStation or whatever they are, no chance he still loves playing with toys, reading and mostly being outdoors whenever he can. I allow CBeebies programmes and consider myself strict but not extreme. We don't have iPads or anything. It's really not good, I read something the other day and it said the next generation won't have as many creative people in that sense.

I’ve said this before on threads like this but when I was teaching I saw the most horrendous things that children were exposed to because of screens and I am happy to be the mum that continues to say no. When people say oh they’ll be left out I am not concerned because I would be far more concerned about what is being let in. There are things your child cannot unsee and you are protecting them. It is ridiculous and appalling that the other parents at the school are buying smart phones for their primary aged children. As much as it is possible for children the age yours are I would be explaining that you are protecting them because you love them. Explaining the dangers not only from strangers but from addition and inertia and explains that because you love them you want to protect them from this, it is hard to argue with love and kindness. It is so difficult and I really feel for you

I work in a secondary school, happy to be that parent now regarding screens & online activity for my Dc. No phones & online activity is very limited & monitored. Ds10 is grumbling a little s he’s one of the few without a smartphone, several kids & parents pulled in over content posted by their teacher. Ds6 has a few friends with actual phones & online game, I’m horrified.
I deal with, see & hear no end of problems that usually involve online activity or phones it’s depressing.

I did think parents were starting to wise up about giving their kids phones at too young an age, but from what the OP has said, that doesn't appear to be the case.

If you're worried about what your DS is getting up to at his friend's house OP, I'd be inclined to call the other kids parents and have a bit of a chat about what they actually allow, rather than what your DS tells you they allow. You may find that they're two entirely different things!

It’s a nightmare - I work with kids of all ages and many many parents are utterly clueless. But you see it on here all the time, the dickhead parents who tell you that there 5 yr old child isn’t bothered by watching violent content because “they know it’s not real”. 🙄 I despair of some parents, I really do.

Yanbu at all, have you looked at smartphone free childhood?

YABU, animals of farthing wood?! Remember video nasties and kids talking about Chucky at primary school. I watched S&M documentaries as a teen in my bedroom and chatted to strangers over dial up all without a smartphone. Don't get me wrong, smartphones have their unique problems but childhood was not rosy before phones and taking them away will not solve everything as you're finding. My 12 and 10 year old have smartphones, they're hugely useful, my 10 year old only uses it on walk to and from school and is happy to otherwise keep it in the drawer. They're actually not that interesting when you have one but if you don't have one then.... spoiler alert that the internet exists on laptops, tablets and other devices too. We have parental controls, they work well but one thing I agree with you about is the time and effort needed to set up and maintain all the tech, that definitely is a pain.

Yes I forgot to mention that ! In my OP.

it has given me a false sense of hope though, I don’t think the message is getting through quick enough. Certainly not to the parents of older primary school kids.

My kids would spend all day every day on the Xbox or iPads if I let them so it’s definitely not a case of they don’t find them interesting if they actually have one.

You are right that unsuitable content has always existed but it was much easier to police and monitor back when I was a child imo.

There is no doubt it is a CONSTANT battle. To stay on top of it you have to actively parent all of the time! It is exhausting but necessary and trying to strike a balance is always on my mind. Trying to ensure they are not left out but protected at the same time. I find it comes in waves depending on a new game release that 'everyone is playing' or a step up in age. You just have to dig deep and take each day as it comes. Weigh up each thing and work out what you feel comfortable with and what you can concede. Set the hours you are comfortable with and police it - they won't themselves! I did let my son (12) play Fortnite after he was just going round to friends houses to play it. It's now like that with 18 games. Am I going to ban him playing games in other peoples homes? Or ban him from going there? That seems extreme so I might need to concede that point but I would much rather he wasn't playing those games. Every term that passes where my son still doesn't have a smartphone is an accomplishment. Agree that apple restrictions are pointless and don't work. Apple don't care in the slightest. Solidarity.

I totally agree. Mine are too young for screens yet but it's the challenge I'm most anxious about for when they grow up.

For what it's worth it sounds like you're really engaged with the issue and doing a great job.

It’s a nightmare mine are older but when they were little kids we were constantly playing catch up and the technology makes it so they’re always one step ahead. It’s a nightmare and makes keeping our kids mentally, emotionally and physically safe very hard. But I feel like that is the goal, to undermine parents.

YANBU

As parents we need to be extremely cautious and intentional around screen use. Screen use can have catastrophic consequences for children depending on how they're utilised. Personally we didn't allow any at all until over two, but I often wish I'd waited much longer still.

I saw a video online the other day portrayed as funny, cute thing: a five year old boy had woken up in the middle of the night, got his tablet, gone downstairs, got on the sofa, and played a video game for three straight hours. It was presented as a 'haha aren't kids cute/funny' but I was horrified. A five year old having unfettered access to a tablet is just bonkers, and the consequences on his wellbeing, sleep, health, of being able to do something like that are serious.

So YANBU. So many parents don't seem to even realise what the risks are. It's been a long time since I've gone to a restaurant and seen a child under ten sat there without a phone or tablet propped up in front of them.

Yanbu...it's really difficult. My dcs phones have filters on them so they can't view certain content unfortunately not all parents do this so unfortunately their friends have shown them stuff on their phones....how are you meant to control what other parents do? My dcs devices turn off at night but their friends are often still messaging until the very early hours...it's all very well telling individual parents to step up but it's now a societal problem.