Scars

[WunTooThree]

There is a lovely café in the park local to me. I go there all the time, and have got to know the names and faces of the other regulars.
Today, one of them came up to me for a catch up, and I saw their face change and their speech changed to one word answers. They seemed distracted and upset. They left and left me feeling bewildered.
Until, I realised that today was blistering hot and I had gone out with out a cardi or anything on. My arms were bare. I have an extensive history of self harm, and I am very heavily scarred as a result.
I was hot, and wanted to not be covered up. I seemed to have upset someone with my scars.

I have had people in the past try to ask me about my arms, and I have moved away and said no. Is that rude? Do I owe them an explanation?

What about when children say something? They can be so blunt.

I am not sure why I am really asking here. It feels a bit raw. I have made peace with my scars, but it seems the public haven’t.

YANBU – nosy people can bugger off. Get your arms out if you feel comfortable
YABU – you should cover them up

I imagine they have gone home cringing at themselves for not knowing how to react. It sounds like they like you, had no idea about what you've been through, and felt like they both should and shouldn't acknowledge them (given you know them at least semi well) and then bottled it and ran away. Get your arms out if it's hot!

Sounds like they were having a stroke

Absolutely go out with your scars on show OP, they are a part of your life and no one else's business unless of course you want to tell them.

What do you say if someone asks you direct why you've got the scars?

You don't owe anybody an explanation for your scars and, as someone with heavily scarred arms from self-harming in my teens and 20s, I learnt long ago that they can make othet people feel uncomfortable, but that's not my burden to carry.

I’m sorry to hear you had this happen. My teenage dd has extensive new scarring and I find it so stressful worrying about others reactions to her

I've got scars all up my arms and whenever people used to ask but I didn't want to explain about self harming I'd just say I was in an accident. A little white lie but nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable about your scars. I used to cover mine but very quickly realised that it's not my problem if someone else is uncomfortable with them, they're mine and I'm not hiding them for anyone

Maybe they or someone close to them self harms and it made them think of that and that’s why it upset them. You don’t know why they had the reaction they did.

I’m sorry that you were upset. Of course you don’t have to comment on your scars. Not even to children.

But you don’t know why your friend left, perhaps they have their own history with self harm or other mental health issues - it might not have been about you at all.

Any kind of scar, or bodily difference tends to draw attention, especially the first time it is noticed. Don’t feel the need to cover up if you don’t want to, your friends will get used to it.

Sending unMumsnetty hugs in the meantime.

You owe NO ONE an explanation op however it is worth having a stock answer on hand for small children who have no self awareness (and sadly for the occasional adult too). You could just say "I had a bad accident years ago, fell into a fence, dont really like talking about it but thanks for your concern im fine now!"

You don't owe anyone an explanation if you don't want to.

If children ask you could just say I hurt myself a while ago. That can cover any kind of situation. I doubt they'd ask more.

Wear summer clothes if you want to wear summer clothes

I have never had some ask direct. They have started with a leading question like "can I ask about your arms?" and I have said no.

I think for kids maybe I should have a really cool answer like I had a fight with a dragon.

I have bad scars on a lot of my body from a very severe assault and the people that ask about them boggle my mind- it’s clearly not from anything good?! I’ve taken to just being really blunt and saying ‘I got stabbed?’ People tend to be mortified but I’m not really sure what else they’re expecting tbh.

I am in a similar position to you and I totally get that sometimes it can make people uncomfortable.. that's on them though, not us. We have to live our lives!
That said, I still haven't got a clue what to say to my daughter and her friends when they ask - they haven't yet, but some older kids have. Eek!

Definitely! I love this. Just think of something silly. It doesn't matter if its not the truth. People arent entitled to your past x

I have some. I also have psoriasis which kids ask about more! My go to answers:

• scars: I wasn’t well when I was younger but I’m better now
• psoriasis: you know how your skin sometimes gets dry? I have something called psoriasis which is dry bits of skin! It doesn’t hurt, it’s just really annoying.

I know this is tailored to a kid audience but I find adults react fairly well to the same.

Get your arms out! The world is much better (sort of) at understanding or at least having an awareness of mental health struggles so you shouldn’t need to hide away for the comfort of others. There will always be someone who doesn’t react in the best way though. it might make you feel better and less caught off guard if you have a few stock phrases or comments at the ready should a child or anyone else ask questions or comment about them (if you wish of course)!

Now I'm older I just keep mine covered. I don't want my kids being aware of them. I've also had some nasty comments in the past.
I never ever judge other peoples scars though. It's such a wretched period to go through.

😆

I know a teacher with extensive scars on his leg and side - when asked he says with an entirely straight face “shark bite”.

(Much more effective at shutting people up than car accident)

Not through self harm but I have many scars from multiple surgeries, central lines, pic lines, j tubes, current NJ tube, etc. I don't mind children asking. It's better than staring. The larger scars I have said were a shark attack... I won.