What do I do about my mother?

[CalmFawn]

I have a weird relationship with my mother. It’s almost a reverse relationship and she’s the child and I’m the mother. I love her, I just wish she would get a grip.

she’s terrible with money and I have to bail her out. She ‘convinced’ me to take out a loan years ago to pay for her credit card debt and said she’d make the monthly repayments - she hardly ever did. It was £450 a month so not cheap! I pay her phone bill. She asked for money at least twice a week. if I say no she literally blanks me and ignores me for weeks on end. (Makes me feel so anxious and very guilty). I feel like she only wanted to see me for money.

she can never afford gifts for my children( I have to buy them and she says she’ll pay me back but never has). She has money for a blow dry weekly though.

im so fed up! I want a relationship with my mother but I feel like I’m being taken advantage of and I need help on how to stop this. Any advice??? I know I should cut her off but that’s so hard! I feel like a child who just wants her love

That sounds really hard and upsetting. I think the best thing would be to find a reason that you don't have the money to spare any more. Just tell her the same thing every time money comes up in conversation - sorry, not possible any more. You can't force her to keep enough spare for presents, but she can't force you to spend your money on her either. If she decides not to have contact with you when your tune changes re. money, that's on her, not you. Good luck!

You can’t keep doing this. This is money you could and should be saving for your own retirement. You will end up just like her if you let the cycle continue. By all means, you can be kind but this isn’t that.

I feel like a child who just wants her love

How was she when you were little? Did she care for you, were her interactions even then transactional?

Is the way you feel now (the quote above) how you've always felt? I could be way off beam but to me you sound like the hurt little girl still.

But now you're older you have something she wants - money. So you keep giving it to her hoping that she'll appreciate it, and in turn she'll appreciate you. It doesn't sound like she will. She will just keep wanting more.

Drop the rope. So hard to do, I know. Much easier to say. But focus on those people who love and value you for you. Her love isn't for sale, she's made that clear. If she even has any, to give or sell.

Talk to that little girl. Remind her that she is loved. And then it will be easier to let go of your mum.

She wasn’t great to be honest, I was mostly raised by my grandparents!

I know, definitely need to do that. Thank you

I say this very gently, OP: she is never going to be the mother that you want her to be. It doesn’t matter what you do or how hard you work at it, because the problem isn’t you. Pour that energy into yourself, and your children. Parent them the way you wish you’d been parented. And stop giving her money.

I don't think I've ever seen a 100% vote on AIBU before!

Oh bless you OP. She sounds like a really inadequate parent. Please stop giving her money and save it for your children instead.

She will bleed you dry otherwise.

You've been enabling her by paying her debts and not leaving her to face the consequences of her own actions. Next time she asks for money tell her the Bank of CalmFawn is closed, but you'll go to the CAB with her to get debt advice.

You feel that way because you are her child and all children want to be loved. You need to accept she will never be what she should though. Please start taking care of yourself instead now.

I'm so sorry you have pulled the short straw on mothers op. But ypu sound really balanced and kind and normal. As others have said stop this transactional money for love. You are worthy of more. Be the parent dm will never be.

My sister and her partner are just like you and both of their DM are hopeless. They talk about how one day the will have to have them both living with them (not for the first time) because they both have absolutely no plan for retirement.
I just think DS is such a mug. My DM would never dared ask me for money because I would never say yes. I briskly ask DM what her plans are for retirement when she frittering her money away on shit. You can absolutely say no. You SHOULD drop the rope. You can! I did long ago. TBH I never really had to because I would call DM out when I was a teenager so she knows I'm not the solution to her self made problems.
You are doing this to yourself, allowing this to go on. When your DM goes, some other leech will probably pop up and take her place if you don't stop the enabling behaviour and work on yourself.

I've voted YABU because you're enabling her behaviour by constantly bailing her out.
My mother was very similar and I enabled her in a similar manner because of, I guess, guilt/not wanting to see my mother struggle.
My older sibling had far more common sense than me and eventually went NC with her.

I think you need to accept that she is never going to be the mother you want her to be. It's certainly a possibility that she will stop bothering to see you if you cut off the money supply and then you will know that she values you bankrolling her more than having a loving relationship with her daughter. It sounds like you would benefit from some counselling to address your feelings. You're not a child and you can't 'earn' her love - it's either freely given or conditional on you giving her money.