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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To introduce my DC to my boyfriend?

26 replies

0asisGal · 18/06/2025 21:00

I’ve been with my boyfriend since September 2024, I’m a lone parent as my DCs dad doesn’t want any involvement so it’s been hard trying to make time to date but we’ve made it work.

I have never introduced a man to my DC so this is all completely new to me and wondered if meeting my DC in July is too soon?

and also any tips on how to actually do this to ensure I don’t cause any upset to my DC?

any help greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
ChorizoDog · 18/06/2025 21:09

I think that’s long enough, others will not.

When I introduced my DD to my partner we would just bump into each other at first (actually happened naturally the first time!) we had a few short meets, park, dog walking, etc. she took to him straight away and kept asking if he’s my boyfriend.

Really depends on the age of DC though I think!

BodenCardiganNot · 18/06/2025 21:15

How old are your children?

0asisGal · 18/06/2025 21:34

DC is 7 so pretty young still

OP posts:
EggMonster · 18/06/2025 21:40

It seems soon to me. What is making you want to introduce them now?

FilthyforFirth · 18/06/2025 21:42

Not even a year? Why now? Are you planning to move in together? Because if not, does DD need to know him at all? I'd just stick to seeing him when she isn't around. I appreciate this wont be much with an absent father. Hopefully you have family/friends who can give you a break.

Lolo2000 · 18/06/2025 21:47

I think it's long enough, isn't 9 months the average time? Just take it slow, introduce as "mummy's friend"
I knew someone who introduced after 2 months, 1 month later she moved him in with her DD

Good luck

CocoPlum · 18/06/2025 21:49

My children were 6 and 4 (the older end) when I introduced them. I had told them about him first, then we met at a neutral location. I was with him 4 months before I told them and 6 before they met.

Even after that he only saw them rarely, and very briefly. Slowly slowly slowly we started to spend a little more time with him. No overnights for years though, butI am not a lone single parent, and my son liked to sleep in my bed most nights, so you do it your way.

zaicandy · 18/06/2025 21:50

No. Way too early. Wait at least a year IMO.

EggMonster · 18/06/2025 21:51

Lolo2000 · 18/06/2025 21:47

I think it's long enough, isn't 9 months the average time? Just take it slow, introduce as "mummy's friend"
I knew someone who introduced after 2 months, 1 month later she moved him in with her DD

Good luck

I would day the ‘average’ was more like a year and a half, and that your friend was deeply irresponsible.

zaicandy · 18/06/2025 21:51

CocoPlum · 18/06/2025 21:49

My children were 6 and 4 (the older end) when I introduced them. I had told them about him first, then we met at a neutral location. I was with him 4 months before I told them and 6 before they met.

Even after that he only saw them rarely, and very briefly. Slowly slowly slowly we started to spend a little more time with him. No overnights for years though, butI am not a lone single parent, and my son liked to sleep in my bed most nights, so you do it your way.

thats nuts, what would you have done if he’d dumped you a month later when they’d started bonding?

BakelikeBertha · 18/06/2025 22:09

First of all OP, in your heart of hearts, do you see this being a long term relationship? Have you discussed living together, marriage, etc? If not, then wait to introduce them.

If you're BOTH sure that things are headed in the direction of a 'for ever' type relationship, then I would arrange to bump into him somewhere that you take your child on a weekend, and introduce him as Mummy's friend. Stop and chat for a couple of minutes, and then move on. Then arrange another opportunity for a casual meeting, for example if you have a garden, perhaps you could ask him to come and cut the grass for you, tell your child that the friend they met is coming to do some gardening to help you out. Then when he's finished, invite him in for a drink, and give your DC the chance to get to chat to him that way. Or if he's a carpenter, or a plumber or whatever, get him to come and do some odd jobs, so that your DC can get to meet him again that way. Then if that goes OK, you could perhaps arrange to meet up for a picnic one day - again, tell your DC that you saw your friend, and he asked after them and wondered if you'd both like to meet up for a picnic one day, and would they like that? Be very careful at this stage not to be too flirty or playful, or touch him in any way, as kids do pick up on these things really quickly. I think the most important thing, is to do it really slowly, over a period of weeks and months, until you know if he and your DC are going to get along. However, be VERY watchful for any warning signs that he's over bearing, or complains about your child afterwards, even if only a small thing, it could be a sign that he's not going to be good SD material.

Above ALL though, please be sure to put your child first, as NO man should ever be more important than our kids.

OldLondonDad · 18/06/2025 22:11

I find it so ridiculous how long some people seem to suggest waiting.

  • I met my wife's 3 yo as "a friend" for picnics, walks in the park etc. after about 3 months (it was covid, so walking dates was pretty much the only option)
  • We bought a place together at 1 year
  • We got married another year after that

Yes, there were times it seemed a bit fast, but we were a great couple from day 1, and it's worked out fine.

You can introduce anyone as a friend pretty much any day you want. It doesn't have to be more than that until you think it should be. Manage the risks/speed depending on how things are going - but some of these ideas of you have to wait a year or two just for them to meet are nuts.

zaicandy · 18/06/2025 22:22

OldLondonDad · 18/06/2025 22:11

I find it so ridiculous how long some people seem to suggest waiting.

  • I met my wife's 3 yo as "a friend" for picnics, walks in the park etc. after about 3 months (it was covid, so walking dates was pretty much the only option)
  • We bought a place together at 1 year
  • We got married another year after that

Yes, there were times it seemed a bit fast, but we were a great couple from day 1, and it's worked out fine.

You can introduce anyone as a friend pretty much any day you want. It doesn't have to be more than that until you think it should be. Manage the risks/speed depending on how things are going - but some of these ideas of you have to wait a year or two just for them to meet are nuts.

Defo a man who wrote this.

EggMonster · 18/06/2025 22:27

OldLondonDad · 18/06/2025 22:11

I find it so ridiculous how long some people seem to suggest waiting.

  • I met my wife's 3 yo as "a friend" for picnics, walks in the park etc. after about 3 months (it was covid, so walking dates was pretty much the only option)
  • We bought a place together at 1 year
  • We got married another year after that

Yes, there were times it seemed a bit fast, but we were a great couple from day 1, and it's worked out fine.

You can introduce anyone as a friend pretty much any day you want. It doesn't have to be more than that until you think it should be. Manage the risks/speed depending on how things are going - but some of these ideas of you have to wait a year or two just for them to meet are nuts.

I think that’s short-sighted and irresponsible. At a year, you barely know another person. To have them living under the same roof as a pre-schooler is unwise and risky.

zaicandy · 18/06/2025 22:28

EggMonster · 18/06/2025 22:27

I think that’s short-sighted and irresponsible. At a year, you barely know another person. To have them living under the same roof as a pre-schooler is unwise and risky.

He sounds like a love bomber

Confuddledandmuddled · 18/06/2025 22:44

So I was single for 6 years after I left my ex husband - kids were 3 and 6 when I left. I dated and met people but was absolutely paranoid about introducing someone to them. I was with someone 2 years and I loved him, but was so worried about damaging the kids that I didn’t introduce him, which led to the demise of our relationship ultimately, something I massively regret.
Ironically, at the end of last year, I ended up in a relationship with one of my good friends, whom my children had met as my friend already. They were completely unfazed and the ‘emotional damage’ that I was expecting has not happened. If we split up the kids will be fine. Things I would say is establish yourself and your DC as a secure unit, just the two of you. So me and the kids were the ‘three musketeers’ and that still remains. He is not ‘in our unit’ yet. Hard to word but hope it makes sense.
Still have a lot of time just you and your DC. My kids only see my partner once or twice a week. We still have our nights just the three of us with popcorn and our fav programme.
Reassure your DC he is and will always be your priority. I tell my kids I love them more than I will love any partner. May be controversial but in my job I see so many children without that unconditional love I think they need to know that.
Do not leave him on his own with DC for a long time. Just don’t. Again line of work I’m in makes me paranoid about peoples intentions 🤦‍♀️.
Overall if you’re sure he’s someone you see in your life long term then I don’t think it’s too soon to introduce DC. Slowly, gradually and not ‘full on’ is they way to go. As people say neutral place for first meeting and keep it low key. If you have that secure bond with your child they will be fine, even if it doesn’t end up working out in the future. Good luck.

Damsonjam1 · 18/06/2025 23:06

Don't consider introducing your boyfriend to your DC unless you have met his friends and family and he has met your friends and family on several occasions and there have been no concerns.

0asisGal · 19/06/2025 00:16

Thanks everyone appreciate all of the helpful advice. I like the thought of bumping into him and then perhaps meeting him in the park, where it’s not my DCs territory.

I’ve met all his family and friends (he has lots), I’ve also met his ex wife and we all got along really well.

I just worry I should be waiting longer but it really does seem like the right time. I foresee that this my forever relationship (hopefully!).

OP posts:
zaicandy · 19/06/2025 00:37

Confuddledandmuddled · 18/06/2025 22:44

So I was single for 6 years after I left my ex husband - kids were 3 and 6 when I left. I dated and met people but was absolutely paranoid about introducing someone to them. I was with someone 2 years and I loved him, but was so worried about damaging the kids that I didn’t introduce him, which led to the demise of our relationship ultimately, something I massively regret.
Ironically, at the end of last year, I ended up in a relationship with one of my good friends, whom my children had met as my friend already. They were completely unfazed and the ‘emotional damage’ that I was expecting has not happened. If we split up the kids will be fine. Things I would say is establish yourself and your DC as a secure unit, just the two of you. So me and the kids were the ‘three musketeers’ and that still remains. He is not ‘in our unit’ yet. Hard to word but hope it makes sense.
Still have a lot of time just you and your DC. My kids only see my partner once or twice a week. We still have our nights just the three of us with popcorn and our fav programme.
Reassure your DC he is and will always be your priority. I tell my kids I love them more than I will love any partner. May be controversial but in my job I see so many children without that unconditional love I think they need to know that.
Do not leave him on his own with DC for a long time. Just don’t. Again line of work I’m in makes me paranoid about peoples intentions 🤦‍♀️.
Overall if you’re sure he’s someone you see in your life long term then I don’t think it’s too soon to introduce DC. Slowly, gradually and not ‘full on’ is they way to go. As people say neutral place for first meeting and keep it low key. If you have that secure bond with your child they will be fine, even if it doesn’t end up working out in the future. Good luck.

How did it lead to the demise of your relationship?

zaicandy · 19/06/2025 00:40

0asisGal · 19/06/2025 00:16

Thanks everyone appreciate all of the helpful advice. I like the thought of bumping into him and then perhaps meeting him in the park, where it’s not my DCs territory.

I’ve met all his family and friends (he has lots), I’ve also met his ex wife and we all got along really well.

I just worry I should be waiting longer but it really does seem like the right time. I foresee that this my forever relationship (hopefully!).

OP, being good friends with his ex wife after 9 months is very odd. Do him and his ex wife have children together that she’s dropped off when you’ve been there? If not, why is he introducing her to you?

I would be perplexed if my partner of 9 months had introduced me to his ex girlfriend.

pikkumyy77 · 19/06/2025 00:52

Because some people are not willing to be on probation forever?

AutumnArrow · 19/06/2025 00:54

Depends on how the relationship is. If you're very close and have the same life goals then it sounds OK, if you've just been causally dating and it's not very serious then I'd wait.

cannotbetoobothered · 19/06/2025 01:08

My daughter introduced her partner very gradually over a few months once granddaughter was old enough to recognise and engage.
Fast forward and Granddaughter absolutely adores him and the feeling is mutual.
As a grandma I am so relieved and there is now a sibling who my granddaughter adores and Dad shows nothing apart from adoration for both of his children.

CocoPlum · 19/06/2025 08:49

zaicandy · 18/06/2025 21:51

thats nuts, what would you have done if he’d dumped you a month later when they’d started bonding?

They did not bond from one meeting and seeing him "rarely and briefly" for the first few years.

ETA: a full decade on, we are still together, he stays when kids are here once a week as we still do not live together; this is the children's home and i did not want another adult living here with them.

Pickingmyselfup · 19/06/2025 09:17

I think it's long enough to tentatively start introducing them even if it's just a casual walk in the park. Maybe over the next few months keep it very brief and very casual and then gradually up the frequency to the point where he can join you on days out or come over for dinner.

Give it longer before he stays over, longer before you have a holiday together and longer still to consider moving in together.

I think a step parent can be a positive thing and taking things slowly will help be sure if they will be. There are never any guarantees, it could all go tits up after 10 years but you can't keep a relationship under wraps forever.