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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

12 year old dd. Help.

12 replies

Chickencuddle · 18/06/2025 18:15

Dd todwy had an appointment to check her ankle as she recently hurt it and was in a boot. We hsd boot off 2 weeks ago and stil sore. I went for a0pointment today tk see if anything wrong and they said no its fine but shes maybe stiiff needs to start moving it etc.
On way home she seemed angry. Kept saying she wasnt going to move it and wasnt going to do any of the things the doctor suggested. I was asking her questions to try to understand. She was talking bacm in a really rude horribke way so after many warnings i told her she had lost her phone for the rest of the day. She then asks for phone when she gets hpme to quicklt message friend. I said no and she kept going on. I asled whay the emergency was and she responded woth "i dont have to tell you everything" i know she doesnt but just so rude the way she said it. She kept gping on at me and i told her multiple times the answer was no. She had lost it for a reason and to stop asking. She kept going on at qhich point i said if she carried on she wpuld lose it for 2 daya. Ive been so calm the whole time never raising my voice. She kept going on so she lost it for 2 days. At this point telling me she wishes she lived in her best friends house and she hates me etc. Shes not spoken to me for 2 hours. I went to speak to her to ask why she was so angru and she wouldnt look at me was messing around 0urposely to drown me out and was rude and horribke again. Said shes never talking to me again. I actually feel like crying. I dint know what to do. Please help

OP posts:
lnks · 18/06/2025 18:29

You sounds like you handled it brilliantly. She is behaving like lots of children do at that age. I’ve been through it with mine 3 and they all grow out of the attitude. I know it’s upsetting but just keep doing what you are doing because it seems like you’re doing a great job.

Chickencuddle · 18/06/2025 18:43

I dont feel like i did. Wby is she so angry and horrible. How can i stop this? Doesnt help that her friends mum never gives consequences and she gets whateber she wants. Means my dd is comparing. Should i just ignore bad begaviour rather than give consequences? But then i feel like sends the message she csn do what ever she likes.

OP posts:
lnks · 18/06/2025 19:23

She’s angry and horrible because it’s just a stage they all go through. You have to just ride it out. Some times behaviours need consequences but other times they should be ignored. You need to pick your battles because otherwise you will be at constant loggerheads.

MatildaTheCat · 18/06/2025 19:27

Is she very hormonal? It’s very normal and very trying. Most of us have been through this stage ourselves. She doesn’t hate you, she’s just full of angst.

You don’t have to tolerate out and out rudeness but pick your battles.

Chickencuddle · 18/06/2025 19:30

Probably. She hasnt got her period yet but i dont think its far off.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 18/06/2025 19:32

Don't ignore bad behaviour. All behaviour has consequences, good and bad, that's something your daughter has to learn. I agree with another poster, you handled it well, stuck to your guns and didn't backtrack. You are the adult, you don't have to put up with being spoken to rudely. Take no notice of the 'wanting to live with her best friend', that's because she was cross with you for taking away her phone, and she knew the comment would upset you. How her friend's Mum decides to bring up her own daughter, is of no concern to you, that's her choice and your way is yours.

Chickencuddle · 18/06/2025 20:07

Thanks everyone. She jyst came to say sprry to me and its like a switch has been flipped. Back to be my cuddly little girl. Talked to me abput dofferent things that went wrong for her today. She had a bad day. I get it. These years are hard. But when she flips like that i really dontnknow how to stop her from getting so bad.

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 18/06/2025 20:12

You can’t really - just do what you did, stay calm and ride it out.

Really glad she came to say sorry. I know it’s hard but she’s still a child just a much bigger one. I bet you managed to ignore it when she was tiny and crossly said you weren’t coming to her birthday party because you wouldn’t let her eat the cat’s food or whatever ridiculous things she did back then. Wanting to live with her friend’s mum is about the same level.

If it’s any comfort 12 is often the worst age and things improve after (not for everyone I know).

Dontlletmedownbruce · 18/06/2025 20:37

It's actually very distressing when your child disappears and is replaced by a horrible aggressive or rude person, but it's a perfectly normal phase. Its hard being 12, if she has had a happy sheltered life it's like the rose tinted goggles come off and the awful reality of life hits her suddenly. Then add in hormones and overwhelming feelings of panic or frustration, it's a lot.

I think with early teens you need to give them space when they need it and comfort when they need it. If they change from chatty and happy to sullen or emotional that's ok, just accept the new version of them and grieve for the old in private. My DD is just 12 and has always been the sweetest thing, i feel like I'm living on borrowed time, the end is nigh and it makes me so sad sometimes just thinking about it. I've an older DC so I've been through it already.

TheSlantedOwl · 18/06/2025 20:44

You did good. Breathe! Don't be too angry and hurt (although I get it) - this is a normal developmental phase. Calmly keep a boundary if she’s being too rude, as you did. And accept the loving girl when she comes back. She’s had consequences so you don’t need to hang onto anger.

DontTouchRoach · 19/06/2025 00:56

Chickencuddle · 18/06/2025 18:43

I dont feel like i did. Wby is she so angry and horrible. How can i stop this? Doesnt help that her friends mum never gives consequences and she gets whateber she wants. Means my dd is comparing. Should i just ignore bad begaviour rather than give consequences? But then i feel like sends the message she csn do what ever she likes.

Wby is she so angry and horrible

Because she’s 12 and at puberty and a raging mess of hormones. This sort of obnoxious behaviour and OTT dramatic shouting is very normal for kids that age. All their emotions are ridiculously heightened and they can be absolutely vile sometimes.

You don’t have to tolerate her being rude to you, of course. By all means take her phone off her, put consequences in place and tell her you won’t be spoken to like that etc. She shouldn’t just get away with it. But you will no doubt have more of these battles over the next few years.

mathanxiety · 19/06/2025 01:17

YABU to take it so personally.
Don't give her the satisfaction of showing her that she's managed to hurt you.

Tough this out. Make her apologise to you before she gets her phone back.

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