Can’t communicate with DH

[Sheep91]

I feel like I cannot communicate with my DH and I don’t know why.

I am really bad at arguments, I don’t like confrontation but my DH is a very argumentative person and won’t back down. When I’m in an argument with him sometimes I can’t help but start laughing at the ridiculousness of the argument which makes him so angry.

We’ve just had a row which blew up out of nowhere.

I do nursery drop off today then start work at 8am. We both work FT. DH leaves the house at 8am has an hour commute. He is supposed to pick up today so leaves at 4.30pm (we have a rota for drop off and pick up).

Tonight I saw an accident on the motorway so called him to see if he would make pick up. I don’t like DCs being the last ones there I admit. He said he thought he could make it. I said I don’t mind going as I hate them being the last DCs left.

I knew he would say it’s a waste of his time if he’s left early and I end up collecting, so I pre-emptively said I don’t find it a waste of time as it means he’s home early to help with bedtime etc.

This has made him angry as he says if I collect I will need his help on dinner bedtime etc and he needs to catch up on work. The argument seemed to get out of control and I ended up laughing so he hung up and now won’t answer.

I don’t know what the answer is, but really need help solving our clash in communication styles. I feel like I can never disagree with him as I hate arguments and can’t get a point across without starting one.

I really don’t understand why you started laughing?

I don’t know either I think it is my natural response to being in a stressful situation?

That’s something for you to work on, therapy maybe.

As an aside though I don’t understand the argument here. You said there’s a crash can you make it to pick up, he said yes, end of conversation surely?

It sounds like you asked the question when you had already decided he couldn’t do it and that you wanted to do pick up instead, so why not just say that?

It’s because I hate DCs being left there until close to closing time. If I say I’m going to collect instead because of that the argument starts.

You asked him a question for some information you needed to make a decision. He gave you it.
You made the opposite decision to the one the information led you to.

No wonder he is annoyed!

Actually reading it back the argument makes even less sense.

If you went to collect then he didn’t need to finish early, because the kids had already been picked up, so why was he bothered about you collecting? Unless you didn’t want him to collect but still wanted him to leave early, which doesn’t make much sense?

Agree with PP though, I think you need to work on how you communicate. You asked a question when you didn’t really care about the answer, you had decided you wanted to collect them regardless of what he said, so I would also be a bit irritated at that. It’s playing games, just be straight with each other. And laughing really, you need to grow up, if you genuinely feel you can’t help it then therapy.

It sounds as though you started the argument in this occasion. He’s doing pick up. All is well. You then decided he wasn’t going to be early enough for your liking and began to move the goalposts, saying you’d rather he didn’t pick up and just got home early instead. You can’t agree which tasks each of you is going to do, and then choose and change or demand the other person does them on your terms - that’s always going to end up in frustrating disagreement.

There’s work to be done on communication, perhaps with a led session where you can do the whole “when you do X it makes me feel Y” thing with each other in an environment where you can’t just start shouting at each other; but also on you trusting him as a parent and a partner and letting him do what has been agreed, rather than trying to control his movements as well as your own.

It sounds to me like you have a few issues to deal with.

The fact that you laugh when having stressful or confrontational conversations.
The idea that you hate your total means off to be picked up. It’s not gonna have any detrimental effect on their well-being being the last to be picked up every so often! It’s really not the big deal you think it is.

It does sound like you're micromanaging him, leave him to go pick up - if he's late then he's late.

Yeah, I'm confused.

Can he pick them up, oh no, you'll pick them up, then waste of time for somebody, more, yaddayaddayadda.

Spit it out!

I'd be annoyed and tell you to pick them up then.

Your communication sucks, to put it mildly.

I am actually 100% on team DH here. Unusual for me.

If I have made a huge effort to leave work early to do pick up, witht he corresponding stres that comes with that because colleagues don't like it, or I've had to stop half way through something that would only take an extra 20 minutes or whatever, I'd be pretty pissed off if DH then called me and said, "oh no, don't worry, I can collect" and I'd be even more pissed off if he was laughing when I pointed out that was pointless.

I think what he's also saying is that I assume if he does collection, you go straight home and start getting dinner ready or whatever so that he can then log on if he needs to to finish that 20 minute job (that's now 35 minutes for being interupted) or respond to those colleagues' emails. But now you're ALSO going to be later getting home and there's more tasks to do at home.

This may well ALSO be about communication style but a big part of the problem is you changing the goal posts and imposing arbitrary decision-making. You "dont' ike them being the last to be collected". So what? it happens sometimes.

The place is open till closing time and you've paid for that time. I don't really see the moral virtue in picking up at (say) 5pm instead of 5.45pm.

Not really the point I know, but DH may also find this puzzling?

He had a plan. Pick up DS, go home, catch up on work that he missed from leaving early.

You wanted to change that to, finish work early but don't pick up DS, help with home stuff instead.

You completely changed it and then laughed at him when he pointed this out.

My DH does the laughing thing when we are discussing anything serious and I cannot tell you how incensed it makes me. He says similar to you, that it's a knee jerk reaction to being in a stressful situation but I absolutely hate it. I end up feeling disrespected and invalidated, and like he is just taking the piss. This is absolutely not his intention, I do understand that, but I just wanted to offer some insight as to what might go on for your DH when you do that.

You’re the one with the communication problem, not him. It sounds like what you’re saying is that you simply want him to agree with whatever you say or you’ll start laughing so the discussion is impossible.

He wasn’t going to be late, you decided to butt in because you don’t want your kid to there near closing time (get over it) and that throws the day off because, as he says, you’d not be doing your half of the job that day. His was to pick up and yours was to start on dinner.

He isn’t the problem here. You have an issue with nursery times and your kid being last, but your husband is an equal parent and doesn’t. As long as he is there before closing time then leave him alone. If you do have an issue and want to tell him off for not going along with you, then stop laughing.

I think it’s because most kids will have been picked up by then and a concern is sometimes kids notice if they’re the last to be picked up. I’ve mainly only heard that in the context of kids being (repeatedly) picked up late though and doesn’t sound as if OPs kid was going to be picked up late ie. After closing time. But I’m guessing it’s a line of thought.

I’m AuDHD and often laugh inappropriately during arguments due to emotional dysregulation, but I would think anyone can get emotionally overloaded during an argument, resulting in a ‘nervous laugh’.

I am really bad at arguments, I don’t like confrontation but my DH is a very argumentative person and won’t back down. When I’m in an argument with him sometimes I can’t help but start laughing at the ridiculousness of the argument which makes him so angry.

You’ve said that you laugh because of the “ridiculousness” - I don’t see what was “ridiculous” about this discussion you guys were having though. You both had your reasons for the stance you took and you should’ve heard each other out.

I agree you really need to work on your communication style and unpick why you’re laughing.

You claim he was angry. If he was just a bit annoyed that’s understandable, but if he was really expressing himself in anger over something like that - that’s obviously not a good way of communicating either.

Someone’s always going to be the last one collected, as long as they’re not being collected late I don’t see the issue. Especially as it’s not a usual occurrence!

You do sound like you’re micromanaging his time, and when he pushes back on that you laugh at him. I wouldn’t answer the phone either, because I wouldn’t want to tell you how invalidated that made me feel only to be laughed at again. You are the one making communication difficult.

Why don't you try communicating via text so that you can laugh you head off all you like and he won't know about it.

I’m going to assume that the laughing is an emotional dysregulation response that you haven’t learned to manage, it is quite common in dc.
You do seem to be micromanaging your DH, is this anxiety driven? I’m wondering your DH is meant to do differently?

You're the one with the problem
He was supposed to pick up, he was going to pick up, and you changed your mind about it.
I'm on his side here.