Well your body shape has changed . Your bottom and waist are bigger !

[Doomygloomy]

I’ve had two babies gained 4 stone with each but lost it both time . Used to be a size 8 before babies and now a 12 /14 with a flabby tummy ! The last year in my new job I have been sedentary and have gained about 10 pounds. Today I tired on some clothes which arrived . None fitted right.

I said to DH - these look awful on me.
He said - I adore you and never want to upset you. I think you’re gorgeous but your body shape has changed so I think that’s why the dresses don’t fit like they used to. I felt sick. Yet I know it is true and there was no cruelness at all. I said - please explain how it has changed and he just said - well your bottom , waist and tummy are bigger but I think you look gorgeous.

I feel so sad. I’ve been in denial. Clothes getting tighter. being sedentary. It isn’t the scales that bother me. But it’s all the flab. I just feel so crap. But I know I want to do something about this before I gain more weight.

I’m 35, in a sedentary job and exhausted with two small children.

I used to love being active and eating healthy.

There's no secret to it. You have to develop new habits.

Stop snacking. Eat less and better. Don't get in lifts. Get off the train a stop early.

Do those for a month and gradually do more.

No one can do it but you. But you're fortunate - you're the one who cares most about it.

Presumably he will be supportive of you wanting to change? Look after the DC whilst you exercise; pitch in properly with making changes to cooking and eating routines? If so, grab that with both hands, and take small steps first. Couch2-5K is a great place to start with the exercise - you don’t need fancy equipment or set times to do it, you can set your own pace and work up to the runs. Likewise, you don’t have to completely overhaul your diet all in one go. Start with portion sizes, with swapping out refined carbs for something like root vegetables, swapping any processed sugar for fruit at first if you’d struggle without a sweet kick.

Why can't you be active and eat healthy now?
Your job is sedentary but that doesn't mean your lifestyle has to be.
Drink water instead of snacking
Make sure you ha e good quality and varied meals.
Go walking, either by yourself when kids have gone to bed or with a friend .
Exercise videos if you are time short.

Weight is lost/gained in the kitchen, not the gym. You can do it.

You sound motivated and I bet you will lose weight if you put your mind to it, but it’s also good to work on accepting the fact that your body may have changed in a way that it won’t go back and it will continue to change as you age, so will your face.
I got diastasis rectii in pregnancy. My abdomen will never look the same. My bump pointed to one side and now my abdomen is still sort of lopsided 🤦‍♀️
Bf left me with lopsided boobs too. I used to like wearing fitted things on top because I was bigger on the bottom. I am the same weight as pre pregnancy- totally different shape though.
Eventually I ended up dumping all my clothes and changing my style altogether.
Im early forties now and I had a rough few years of feeling awful about myself and honestly the best thing I did was to change my image so I stopped expecting to see 30 year old pre pregnancy me in the mirror and in photos.
My sister is a couple of years younger and she hasn’t had kids or any big lifestyle changes but her body shape has changed and she gains weight much more easily. She has also changed her style after a few years of stressing out that clothes didn’t fit right/ look the same.

I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel, it's horrible isn't it?! I started intermittent fasting and I've found it really helpful to slim down (still have some way to go). I think it's a good start while having young kids and very manageable to fit into that manic lifestyle. Hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

It’s very hard to lose weight when you have small children and a job. Try to be kind to yourself, small changes to diet where you can. Eat proper home cooked meals when you can get the time, protein is filling. Your DH clearly loves you. I am nearly 60 and have a lovely husband too. I have gone up and down in weight like most women do. Lesson I have learned is to never ask him a specific question about my appearance if I am feeling down or having a crisis of confidence. Clothes trying on is always crushing. I will get a logical response from DH, ‘you are gorgeous but yes your tummy is a lot bigger than when we met’. Haha. Best not to ask sometimes.

You're upset by your husband's comment because, like a lot of us, you equate the word 'bigger' with worse. He told you you look different but gorgeous, yet you hear only the word 'bigger' and immediately start hating a body you were presumably content with before. The contentment itself you're framing as 'denial'. Buy clothes that fit your body rather than thinking you need to make your body fit clothes. If you'd like to lose weight, then that's fine, but try not to do that from a place of self disgust, because it often gets in the way. Take the gorgeous and hold that because that's the part you should be focusing on.

I don’t follow, you said you gained weight with each pregnancy but lost the weight each time. So at the moment are you only 10lbs overweight? Or is it a bit more, as you mentioned things indicative of more?

If it’s just 10lbs of relatively recent weight gain then it shouldn’t be difficult to shift nor take that long.

Your body shape may have changed but I think just focus on your BMI and take it from there. You’ll likely feel more comfortable with a bit of weight loss even if your body shape remains different. Focus on how you feel, energy levels, endurance etc.

I have a sedentary job but that doesn’t have to be a sedentary lifestyle. I do have to put some effort in because I pretty much fully work from home…so I don’t even get bits of exercise from walking throughout the working day or getting lunch etc. I gained weight when I first started this job, but have managed to lose it all now.

I’m doing weekly Pilates classes and try to go to the gym at least once a week. It’s not a huge amount of effort but enough to keep my BMI relatively low and give me some stomach definition.

I think it’s mostly age; you can’t get away with things as much as when you were younger. It goes on quicker, takes longer to come off, and is much more resistant to exercise - that helps but it’s 90% diet.

Cut the carbs down (not completely), up your lean proteins, vegetables, salads, Greek yoghurt etc, go for a 30 minute walk every lunchtime, glug more water than wine.

What @Sedgwick says

Lesson I have learned is to never ask him a specific question about my appearance if I am feeling down or having a crisis of confidence.

I think your husbands response was lovely but if you're going to talk to him about your size and say you're unhappy as you are clearly 3-4 dress sizes bigger than you were, there is really nothing else he could have said in the circumstances to make you feel better apart from outright lying to you! He was diplomatic and honest but still tried to make sure you know he fancies you no matter what.

Your husband has done you a favour. If he had said 'you are fine as you are', like most men do, he would be pulling the wool over your eyes. He has stated a fact. You are bigger than before. You know that. And you know why. With all that info you can sort it out. It doesn't sounds like you are massively overweight and you will be able to set it in a few months.
Make it a family project. No junk. No snacks, plenty of exercise.

He's just stating facts though. I'm struggling to see an issue here.

I'm the same age as you OP and put on 4 stone with DD (who is now almost 4). I am currently in the best shape I've been (except my boobs look very "sad" after 3.5y of breastfeeding) and a lingering "kangaroo-pouch" on my stomach. I also sit at a desk 8 hours a day.

The main way I've lost weight is through changing my diet to very low UPFs, being very active in general e.g. carrying things from the car which I park fairly far away from home. I also carry my daughter as much as she needs rather than using a buggy. It's upped my muscle mass which in turn increases metabolism. I also use my lunch break for dog walking. Being a single mum has helped as I have to do loads of stuff, but your husband sounds lovely so maybe not a solution to try😂

One thing I read about post-partum bodies is about your body is softening to be comforting for your children. That made me feel better in the days when I was more self conscious about my body ❤

(to clarify I carry DD on my shoulders or in a sling on my back, not on my hips... that would destroy my pelvis as she's a big girl haha)

I agree.

I think OP should be clear about what she wants from her husband before asking things like that.

@Doomygloomy Do you want reassurance, compliment, a bit of a boost, honesty, a reality check etc? Pick one then phrase your discussion around that

“I don’t want advice but I’m feeling down about X” - he might just let you rant, he might give reassurance. Diplomatically tells him to reign in his opinion

“I’m having a crisis of confidence in this dress, tell me it looks okay” - he might again skip his opinion and give you a compliment

etc etc

it might be a bit cringe but it just comes down to communication in a marriage. I’m sure he can give you what you want to hear if you give him direction - neither of you wants your feelings to be hurt. But equally avoiding these conversations might be an overreaction as your partner should be your ultimate support system@Doomygloomy

Thanks all for lovely replies. I have been slowly making changes. So getting my steps in, swimming the last week and avoiding the UPF. It is a lifestyle change . A marathon and not a sprint .im feeling really motivated . Thanks all