Decisions, decisions

[TooOldforThisSh1t3]

I have 2 DCs B13, G12. Divorced their F when youngest was 1 - I was 26, and was pretty much a single mum until I met my now DH 2 years later.
DH and I have been together 9 years, married 6. Pretty steady marriage (a few ups and downs over the years due to his DDs mum - relevant).
DSD lived with us permanently (court ordered) for the entirety of our relationship until last year when her M was cleared by court/ SS and SD walked out the door and hasn’t been back since (she’s also blocked us but we hear some dreadful stories through the grapevine. DH still tries to message, send letters, keep in contact with the school but it’s really starting to damage his mental health because he’s stonewalled at every turn).
Anyway… DH and I have ummed and ahhed over the years whether to have a baby ourselves, but never took the leap. DH feels this is last chance saloon - I’m on the depo contraceptive so could take up to 18 months for it to wear off and he’s 40 next year.
I think there’s an element of he desperately wants to be a dad and to get a 2nd chance. His words “neither of us had a chance of a nuclear 2 parent family before”. DH and my DCs have a really good relationship but I think for him (especially culturally, he feels the need for a biological DC). He also compliments my mum skills on a daily basis, bless him. My DCs are amazing - happy, healthy, loving and just great, They have had more siblings on their dads side and this doesn’t seem to be anything but positive from the way they speak about them.

I’m genuinely on the fence. So I need your advice! P.S my depo is due tomorrow morning!!!

YABU - why on earth would you have a baby when your DCs are teens and start again when more independence is only a few years off?! Am I too old to consider this?

YANBU - have a baby and give your DH a chance at carrying on the family name and the family that he craves, and creating a special person together?

What do you want?

That's what's missing from your post. Do you want another baby?

I wouldn’t. 1) you have teens and introducing a baby into this as they enter GCSE years is not going to be very good for them. 2) It sounds like you are mainly considering this for your DH which is a bad move 3) if you have a career this is the golden moment for really pushing your earning potential 4) I am assuming you are around 37, I had my DD16 at 36 and I’ll be working longer than I’d like to be to get her through Uni etc as I am 53.

Nothing is guaranteed. What if you do and then you and DH split up? He'll be near retirement by the time this hypothetical child is grown and flown. This is something that is irreversible and way too big to do unless you are 100% certain. One of those few things it's better to regret not doing than doing.

“He feels the need for a biological child” Hasn’t he got two already? Or did I misread that?

This. He likes the idea of a ‘nuclear family’ but with the best intentions in the world, it’s impossible to predict what the future holds. If your sole or main reason to do this for his own traditional views, this is IMO not good enough, especially as it will likely be you with the biggest lifestyle shift.

It's up to you of course, but I can't imagine starting again with a baby if I was late 30s with two teens.

I would. I think it would be lovely to have a baby together and the gap is big enough with your other children that they won't feel it. If you can manage financially and emotionally then do it! I would but I love kids, I love little kids and miss those years. I work with small children, many of whom have much older siblings, whether step siblings or half siblings and they are fine, usually quite mature as long as their family haven't spoiled them too much. Beware though: you may end up having two! Seems to happen an awful lot.

He has one. SS is social services. I think the ex wife has estranged his daughter from him so he doesn't get to see her or be a Dad to her.

Got it, thank you.
My question about needing a biological child still kind of stands though. He does have a biological child. If he has a desire to have a second with OP, for the reasons I guess most people do of creating a shared person, then fair enough but I do feel somewhat uneasy about this being a replacement child.
In response to the OP, like many PPs, YOU really need to be sure what YOU want.
Do not have a child for someone else.

I would not. Risks damaging your relationship with your DC, who will need your support as they enter exam years and instead you will have a baby/toddler to prioritise. They will also be facing a range of new challenges and opportunities through teenage years and your help with navigating this will be important.

Plus you will gain greater freedom and ability to expand your own interests as teens less round the clock care. A baby would set that back another 15 years. Do you want to have spent more than 30 years hands on parenting ? And the financial commitment of university would be longer than that.

Sounds like you are considering this mainly for your DH, but he is feeling the way he is feeling because he’s feeling the loss of his DD. Don’t make such a big decision when things are currently emotionally fraught.
And don’t have a child just for him. You need to want one too.

I think you’re exactly right - he is in a grieving process and trying to fill a void 😞

Thanks guys, appreciate all your responses! - have had a quick chat this morning and said I will go for my depo today and if he still feels the same in a couple of months we can discuss it in more detail ❤️
I think Father’s Day hit him quite hard and prompted all of this!

Honestly, you need to think about what you want. That's the most important thing here