To ask how you knew you were gay?

[Darkling1]

In my early teens I would Google “Am I gay?” quizzes.

I’d also get questioned by my friends who I fancied, but I’d just pick some random guy in my class because I didn’t want them to question me further.

What about you?

I'm not sure it was at first to be honest. I remember feeling frustrated and embarrassed that I hadn't known earlier. I spent a lot of time reevaluating every relationship and lots of experiences from my past in a new light. I am relieved to know, but I think my emotions were more shock, surprise, confusion...
I mean, on top of it, my life hasn't actually changed, in that I haven't done much about my discovery. I've learned about myself, I tick a different box on forms now, and I've told a few people, but I'm still extremely single and independent.

I was a teenager in the 90s and I didn't really give it that much thought at the time; I would have just assumed I was straight, I think, as that was the norm. If a boy didn't have any particular interest in girls, I think people would have (and still would) speculate about him being gay, but if a girl wasn't that interested in boys they would just assume she was a 'late developer' or something. Then some years went by and I didn't fancy any of the boys who liked me. I remember in my early 20s suggesting to one of them that I thought I might be gay and being met with total disbelief. I think his actual words were 'no you're not'. So for me it was a gradual realisation throughout my 20s and coincided with growing up and becoming generally more confident with other aspects of who I was as a person.

Historically I think it probably didn't help that women were not assumed to enjoy or need sex in the same way that men were. I sometimes think of previous generations of lesbians just getting married to men because that's what you did.

Personally I feel there's a bit of a spectrum to most things, and I think I sit pretty far down the end of "little to no sexual attraction to anyone". Not fully asexual, as at times I have felt mildly physically attracted to some men, and have had "crushes" on some very safe men - usually fictional characters. But as a teenager I never particularly thought I was a lesbian, I wasn't sexually attracted to any girls or women, but I just wasn't particularly sexually attracted to any boys or men either. I still say I was straight. I'd probably prefer to be a lesbian if I had a choice, mind!

How on earth could you know how everyone feels? Stop invalidating someone who's telling you they're confused about their sexuality. Ffs.