To still feel uneasy around FIL after his sleazy behaviour

[Ralliesz]

So a couple of years back at a family meal (when we were saying our goodbyes) my FIL did something that quite frankly creeped me out and made me feel furious. When he came in for a hug he licked my neck. I just froze and didn’t react at all at the time but ended up blurting it out in front of my dh (who hadn’t witnessed this happen) once we got home and it caused an argument. The following day my dh apologised for snapping at me which to be fair is completely unlike him (he’s nothing like his dad thankfully) but he kind of made excuses for his dad’s behaviour like oh he’s old and he probably didn’t mean to do it, but let’s face it yes he did, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Me and dh have never discussed it since and we continue to see his side of the family including his dad (sadly) but since that day I have never felt comfortable around him and find excuses whenever I can not to see him. However recently we had yet another family meal and whilst my FIL didn’t try the same thing he clearly just can’t keep hai hands to himself. This time it was him grabbing my knee trying to make me jump and I had to tell him a couple of times to stop. Then when he came back from the loo he walked up behind me and poked/tickled my back. I mean what the F is wrong with him. He has grabbed my dd (20 years old) knee a couple times and she’s told him to pack it in and he doesn’t do it now and if he tries I say whoah I wouldn’t I was you yet I don’t say anything when he does this sort of thing to me.

I know it could be worse and countless times I’ve questioned myself if I’m overreacting but you see I don’t think I am. A few years back a family friend who used to do our car service/MOT essentially came at me and undid my bra. He did it without actually going underneath my clothes but still it made me feel sick to my stomach especially when he said ha I bet your husband couldn’t do that. So yes this sort of thing has happened before and I’m so angry with myself that I jaut allowed it. For what it’s worth I have adhd/autism and process things a little differently/slower than other people and so I can’t/don’t always react in the moment and I have a history of allowing people to tent advantage. But since turning 40 I’ve suddenly become super angry about past events and how I just let it slide. What is wrong with me?

You need a taser!

Nothing’s wrong with you.

I suggest nuclear options for this kind of thing. Tell FIL that you will report him to the police for assault if he touches you again.

And tell your OH he’s an apologist for sexual assault.

They are pigs, the whole lot of them. Your poor daughter!

Definitely.

You are freezing in the moment—that is perfectly normal. Its a safety response to an assault.

With respect to your FIL you are not me. If it were me I would lean in when I saw him and say quietly “touch me or my daughter again snd I will hack off your fucking hand. Nod once to show you understand. Then keep your hands to yourself.”

My Dh surprised me to be fair as he has very strong views surrounding consent and women’s rights in general. He’s so loving and gentle with me as a partner and as a dad to our dd so yeah I just didn’t expect that reaction. If I’d told him about the incident with our (ex) family friend he’d have encouraged me to report him and I’d likely would’ve had to hold him back but his dad is so dominating and clearly dh doesn’t know how to deal with him.

Nothing is wrong with you.
You (and your dd) don't ever have to see your FIL again. You can set that boundary. It's perfectly reasonable.

He is a creep and you and your daughter should have nothing to do with him.

Make it clear to your husband you will no longer socialise with his father.

Honestly I would struggle to stay with a partner who minimises inappropriate touching of his wife and daughter by a relative.

Thank goodness you've raised your daughter well and she feels confident telling her grandfather to piss off (and how fucking awful is it that that sentence has had to be written).

Talk to your DH and tell him that his father has not only continued to touch you inappropriately but has also been attempting to touch his granddaughter inappropriately and that you don't feel safe being in his company. Tell him he can continue seeing his family but you will not attend any event that his father will be at. Check with your DD what she wants to do. If your DH insists you have to attend family events because he'd find it awkward if you didn't then tell him if he insists you come you will loudly point out when his father touches you inappropriate. Don't worry if you freeze in the moment, it's perfectly effective to say later 'FIL, don't lick my neck / grab my knee / touch me in the small of my back'. Be clear in describing the behaviour using neutral language in front of everyone so they all knows what he has done. Maybe practice standing up for yourself before you see him. He knows you freeze and find it embarassing and he's taking advantage of your discomfort. Make it more uncomfortable for him and he'll stop.

I think to me dh he wasn’t minimising if he was simply embarrassed got on the defensive, ended up feeling more embarrassed afterwards, then I didn’t bring up the subject again and he didn’t know how to raise it. That’s not me making excuses for him by the way. I’m simply explaining what I think happened. My dh clearly thinks his dad is one of those “jokey” characters that just likes a “laugh” and making people giggle but he knows deep down what his dad did was wrong. He just doesn’t want to admit it as he would’ve felt mortified at the time.

Your FIL sounds repulsive and I think your DH is probably in denial. He just doesn’t want to face up to idea that his dad is a sex pest - I’m not defending your DH, but I think it’s quite a tough thing to process. Nobody wants to believe their dad is like that.

You have done nothing wrong and I feel so sorry for you and your DD. Frankly, I think you and your DD need to sit down with your DH and tell him that you won’t continue to see FIL unless he completely stops touching you.

I would stop going and definitely don't make your DD go again. If anyone asks you can either tell them or make an excuse as you see fit. You have done nothing wrong. And if a rift is caused your FIl caused that.

There is nothing wrong with you!

if it were me I would just refuse to see FIL anymore and fuck the consequences if your oh can’t accept that. Would he really leave you for it? And if he would do you really want to be with him?

you don’t need to cope with it. You don’t need to get over it. No man has a right to act like this and by continuing to see him you give the signal it’s ok to continue treating you this way.

im AuDHD too. I used to be very like you in that I would try to process my discomfort so as not to rock the boat. There is something that comes with age we’re we realise how very wrong this is. Just as you are feeling now. It’s not a bad feeling. It’s reality. You have value. You are equal to you oh. You shouldn’t be uncomfortable just so he can play happy family. He can see his dad without you. Lead by example with your dd and stop seeing the sleezy fucker

If I were you, I would go totally postal at FIL and never put myself or my daughter in close proximity to him again. Fucking perv.

There is nothing wrong with you OP. These perverts often get away with creepy behaviour because they rely on victims finding it embarrassing to speak out or try to pass it off as a bit of fun.

Many years ago my brother in law groped me on a few different occasions and I told him to stop or I would tell. He kept on so I told my sister and my mother. They brushed it under the carpet and life moved on. I felt I should keep quiet and everyone had the impression that we were a close and respectable family.

Fast forward to now. Brother in law’s brother has been in prison for 10 years for abusing young boys, his father has been arrested for molesting girls, BIL has been sacked from his teaching job for gross misconduct and was referred to the Debarring Service. My sister, who is supporting her FIL and husband is trying to befriend my friends who have young grandchildren for some creepy reason (which makes them really uncomfortable) so I’ve made sure everyone knows everything about them between where we live and London where they have recently managed to forge a relationship with a young family member much to my horror.

Please do not be bullied into silence for the sake of ‘family’. You are not overreacting - it is sexual assault that you should not be subjected to.

You are not over reacting at all. I’m so sorry that happened op, what a filthy creep.
I’m sorry you even still have to see him.

Men can often talk a good game with regards to women’s rights. When they actually have to do anything that slightly inconveniences them to supports women? Different story.

Your FIL is a sexual predator who has assaulted you and he's started in on your daughter.

Your husband is in denial that his father has assaulted you and is starting with your daughter. Or he's afraid of him. Either way, he condones his dad's sexual abuse of you and your daughter. He will not help you.

Go no contact immediately. If your husband asks why, tell him his dad is assaulting you and starting to fondle your daughter. He's sexually abusive and possibly incestuous.

If you have to be in his presence, if he touches you, scream. If he touches your daughter, well, all bets are off. This guy will not stop. Get your daughter self defense training ASAP. There are lots of everyday items that can be used as weapons. Pens, pencils, keys, silverware, all sorts of things, just saying.

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for my marriage. I'd divorce over this.

I also have autism and ADHD and I process things extremely slowly and often years later
I find I just don't react at all ,and just accept the situation or whatever happened.
Then I get raging anger years later.
It's frustrating,but now I'm aware I'm trying to get myself to react at the time.
The problem I have is I also have alexithima ,,so I can't work out what Im feeling.i can manage happy and sad ,but anything else I can't work out what I'm feeling,like I can't name the feeling basically
So I tend to not react , because I can't work out how I feel
I've been taken advantage of a lot because of this

Your FIL is disgusting sexual predator. You and your daughter should never be around him. Please go No contact with FIL to protect your child and yourself. He is dangerous.