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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU - Me or my Mother?

15 replies

JustBiscoff · 17/06/2025 20:38

My mother had to attend ER earlier today for a worsening ear infection. Several hours and tests later, and she is still there, and has been told she will need to undergo further testing to ascertain the potential cause.

Her brother drove her there (she couldn’t drive or take a taxi apparently due to the pain), and stayed with her for the first few hours, he then had to go home because he is working a night shift later. Initially the agreement was that my husband would then meet her there and stay with her and bring her home when she is discharged. However, I’m heavily pregnant and we also have two young children (aged 2 and 4) who are currently very difficult to settle. As the time wore on, my husband suggested instead that he would collect my Mom and being her home after being discharged, but couldn’t go and spend the evening with her, waiting indefinitely for the tests etc.

Since agreeing this with Mom, she has become very unpleasant and emotionally guilt tripping us (saying that she would always accompany us to hospital - I was admitted with a serious eye infection last year and she didn’t once offer to accompany me, same with DH when he attended ER following a work accident the year before). We understand that she is worried and probably feels let down and lonely, but I would honestly struggle to settle my two children on my own and in my condition, and we feel their needs come first. Essentially my mom is just wanting a companion to chat with. DH is now waiting to hear that he can go and collect her and take her home. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/06/2025 20:40

Your mum is BU

SummerFeverVenice · 17/06/2025 20:44

I think she means she would always accompany you to hospital if you asked her to like she is asking you.

personally, I don’t think it takes two adults to put two children to bed. If you’d struggle due to your pregnancy (lifting children in and out of bath or a cot), then you go to the hospital and your husband gets the kids to bed.

Chickenhorse · 17/06/2025 20:44

Your Dmum has an ear infection bad enough to have to stay in ER for further tests, she is probably in a lot of pain and is very scared. Can you keep in contact by phone and sending her messages. Also send your husband to get her as soon as they let her out.

Flashahah · 17/06/2025 20:46

Your mum is BU

BlueMum16 · 17/06/2025 20:47

It's 8.45.

Ate you kids in bed now? Can either of you go and sit with your mum?

Supersimkin7 · 17/06/2025 20:47

She’s not seriously ill - she’ll manage. To be honest, so can you, but DH can do both. She’ll need a lift home, she’ll be wobbly.

Mischance · 17/06/2025 20:48

I have had rather a lot of A&E sojourns in the last year (dicky heart) and I live alone. I would not wish any member of my family, let alone an in-law, to have to endure it with me. DDs have popped in and got me things from the hospital shop, kept in touch on whatsapp and come and fetched me home - but why on earth would I want them to sit there in that hell hole?

Is your Mum especially anxious for some reason?

JustBiscoff · 17/06/2025 20:49

@SummerFeverVenice I probably should clarify that I can’t drive, so my husband would be the one to attend. Ordinarily settling two children doesn’t require two adults, but when one of them is a heavy four year old who is constantly trying to hit and kick his younger brother (he has SEN), I’m unsure what the alternative is.

@ChickenhorseWe have been keeping in touch with her throughout the afternoon by phoning/messaging.

OP posts:
stichguru · 17/06/2025 20:53

Your mum is ill enough to be in A&E - it's quite understandable she wants company and reassurance. To be honest if she is genuinely ill enough to be there with an ear infection the likelihood is that everything is constantly spinning, she feels very sick, and is scared of collapsing. If this is unusual and she doesn't end up there all the time through fussing over everything, one of you should prioritise being there.

JustBiscoff · 17/06/2025 20:53

@MischanceNot really, though she’s probably nervous in the circumstances. She has often been someone to expect others (usually me because I’m her only child) to drop everything and attend to her if she’s in need of help.

OP posts:
Anzena · 17/06/2025 20:54

Keep in contact with her.

During Covid, many had to go to A+E alone and sit there for hours or days. I was one of them with a serious heart condition. It wasn't fun, but honestly even without the Covid times, as long as I could talk and get a drink I would be mortified at putting people out to sit with me for no real reason. I wasn't dying.

JustBiscoff · 17/06/2025 20:59

@AnzenaThank you, that’s my thinking. I have often been on hand to help her when needed - she got very drunk at a meet up with friends who all went off and left her, and she virtually passed out on the pavement outside the pub, so DH had to go into town and fetch her home, then we both (me expecting my first) had to help her upstairs and put her to bed. She vomited all over herself so I had to clean and change her etc. It’s not like we have never been on hand to help!

OP posts:
Anzena · 17/06/2025 21:00

She sounds like a handful. Send her in a bottle of vodka.😊

Doorsways · 17/06/2025 22:25

Good lord she sounds ghastly.
Passing out drunk in the street?
OP, start being firm and taking a step back.
She is being completely unreasonable.
You mind yourself.
You have quite enough going on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/06/2025 22:34

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable.

Her for trying to guilt trip you and for being a hypocrite about keeping you company. You for saying you can't because of your kids rather than because you don't want to.

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