Practical advice on how to deal with friends.

[Flippityflops]

We have some friends who are very very wealthy.
That isn't the problem.
The issue is both of the couple very very often talk about it .

Examples.
New kitchen- her - oh do you like my new kitchen?
me yes its lovely ….
her- well I didn't want one like everyone else/ it should be nice - it cost ..

Oh I love I can share my ( insert price ) pound house .
Oh its great to be early retired.
Why don't you fix your window - just do it( we cant).
You must have it / do it if it makes you happy .( we cant) .
Oh my dc are now set up for life.
Ive been wondering about getting a second home near my dc .

They would help anyone if they needed it , and are nice people.

Its my fault - but I feel inferior - or something like that when they discuss such things. ( last week the male in the couple saw my dh who was on his way to work - he said sorry Ive got to go now ( my dc) and the man said - well we are retired so we just do what we want)
I really don’t know if they are just a bit thick skinned or literal ? they seem really nice apart from this - could it be just that they are simply celebrating their good fortune ?

Anyway - I am aware that I need to work on myself- I come away from these interactions feeling worse about myself . Any practical suggestions please.?
I totally know logically that comparison is the thief of joy - and I know that I have to focus on the things I am grateful for .
I know I am at fault and I want to work on it .

I don't think you are at fault here. It is crass to talk about these things and not great to lack the self awareness that their financial situation is a million miles off the vast majority of people.

If you continue as friends, move the conversation on swiftly. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. I just couldn't bring myself to value material rubbish that will end up in landfill as any kitchen eventually does. Nor an early retirement due to being financially fortunate that isn't used at least in part for good.

You’re not at fault. They may be nice in other ways but their comments are tone deaf. Personally I’d just be as matter-of-fact and flat back to them:

’Why don’t you fix it’
’We can’t afford it’

’We’re retired and do whatever we want’
’We work so we don’t’

If they don’t shut up in response I might be reconsidering the friendship tbh

They sound extremely narrow minded. I don't think wealthy people should go around apologetically or not enjoy their money but a bit of sensitivity is very lacking here. Whatever about going on about a new kitchen, but the 'just fix it' knowing you can't is really wrong. Either they are trying to make your feel inferior or they are really clueless. I suspect it's the latter but that still suggests they are very self obsessed if they have never noticed what's going on in your life. There is no excuse really. I don't blame you for feeling bad OP.

I think you need to just be honest maybe say it explicitly. 'Pls don't tell me I need to spend money on X because I don't have it and it makes me feel bad when you mention these things'.

Good suggestions - thank you
It will help to remember these suggestions.
I get surprised and dont say a word , but come away feeling sort of compromised.

For example - they have said that they have. So much money they dont know what to do with it .

It just seems to lack sensitivity - especially in the current economic climate . Yet I know they would emotionally support people etc .

We fell in with a couple similar you this, I can't bear them now and have phased them out. Initially I was pleased for them and their good fortune and found it interesting how the other half lived, but then they started getting braggy and punching down.

Offer them some suggestions on what they could do with it? Like pay to fix your window, say?

If that doesn't get through to them, likely nothing will.

We have so much money… ‘well Susan there’s the XYZ charity and I think a healthy contribution would go a long way’….
And ‘that’s great Susan but you do realise most people are not in that position so it’s a bit insensitive going on about it’ (smile sweetly then change the subject).

In your poshest voice you should tell them that it is very vulgar and nouveau riche to talk about money .

These are not friends. A friend wouldn’t do this. How do you not snap? I’d bin them both and I’d let them know why. It’s boring.

JustFeedMeCake
Dont think its personal to me - for example - when new people go to their home- I know Ive been there- they tend to do a tour of their home. They also have said its so big they have got lost - as a joke- but also that they use phones to speak to each other when in different parts of it .
We live in an area were many people are on minimum wage and it makes me cringe how insensitive it sounds.

. The also say when they cant be bothered to cook they just eat out - that in itself is a smallter thing- but even that I feel I've become grumpy and sensitised about .I want to break free of what seems to be a knee jerk feeling now ! I want to learn not to react and see their good points

OP do you know what the story is of them becoming wealthy? Have they always been rich, or were they poor before? If for example they’ve both come from deprived backgrounds, have worked really hard and are now able to afford nice things, although I’d still find their comments tone deaf, it might be a bit more understandable that they are feeling really focused on the happiness of now having money, and feeling proud of what they’ve built.

I come away from these interactions feeling worse about myself

they clearly have a MASSIVE chip on their shoulder. People only brag when they feel insecure.

If they make you feel bad, just stop seeing them.
If there are aspects you dislike in your own life, work on that. Or don't be afraid to say you can't afford things. You are not defined by your bank account, and neither are they.
Either way, you need to learn to ignore them.

Yes
The dh is privately educated and from a wealthy family .
Dw- has always had a trust fund - has referred to this - but I am not sure what it actually is …
although did work and did not get significant help with the first home by all accounts.
I can tell by the quality of the items they have - they always have the ‘ best’ such as 13 k electric bikes ( again , told this ) now but also in the past as some of the items are not new.
So I would say that money has always been there , but that it’s increased . I did not know them prior to the significant increase but from conversations - its never been an issue
I do wonder if they mention it for approval or status? Meaning that they think people think it’s important- a measure of worth ?
They would be the first to offer help if someone needed a coffee and a chat / listening ear.
This is why I feel confused / conflicted- as the two behaviours dont seem to fit .

ThatNimblePeer
replied to you above .. but forgot to copy you in .
In short- it appears to be established family money - hugely boosted by a very significant inheritance.

To add- I have known very weathy people before. They have never , never referred to it .
The dh constantly does - constantly - yet he is the one , out of the two of them who is privately educated and comes with family background of money .
dw - came into it in her generation- mentioned trust funds and the like .

I've distanced myself from people for similar as after a while it gets tedious. Do you feel there's other things they bring to the friendship that make it worthwhile?

Yes - we used to just enjoy going to music together , having a cuppa or a pint.
They veered towards a more financially free , retired group, in the main . Possibly as we cdnt go for the meal s out etc that is their norm.

You have 3 options:

1. Say nothing and feel drained / insulted every time you see them.

2. Next time they say something insensitive about the fact that you or DH can’t afford x y or z but they can, or the fact they’re retired and you’re not… tell them that you find their comments rude and that you love their friendship but find their comments about money insensitive. Put the boundary in that you want to continue the friendship but you don’t want money to be discussed.

3. Fade them out of your life. Accept they most likely won’t change now. That they’re most likely like this with everyone.

They may be rich but they are totally lacking class! It's just not done to price everything up in a conversation, unasked, especially when there is clearly a massive wealth gap. It's boastful, dull and rude. They are going to lose friends over it and it serves them right.

I wouldn’t be able to tolerate them, they would be faded out by now.
I know quite a few wealthy people, but none of them do this. They talk about buying things and holidays etc but in a chit chat way and never mention cost.
They sound like they enjoy lording it over people and that isn’t “nice” behaviour in my book!

I think I'd calmly point out when they reference their activities and compare them to yours, and when they suggest you spend money that you can't afford, that your circumstances are different and you're not in a position to do as they do. If they persist, tell them it's rude. Be upfront with them in making it clear that their behaviour isn't conducive to maintaining your friendship.

Thanks for all your posts.
Have been trying to change my stance on this , but felt that I should handle it better .. so thanks for the tips .
It felt like they were showing off - no reason to - but also I just couldn’t get my head round why people who seem kind also do this .
I would expect the kindness to extend to sensitivity .
I also blamed myself for letting it get to me .

I would find it annoying. I think some people lack self awareness and would feel the need to say something or stop seeing them. Not sure what you'd say other than a direct "You talk about money a lot" or "you know you don't need to tell us how much things cost?"

They sound extremely nouveau riche, most wealthy people that I know don’t talk about money and tend to almost play down how much they spend, your ‘friends’ sound a bit crass

You don't need to be friends with people you don't like. And you clearly don't like these people (for good reason, they sound horrendous). So just draw back from the friendship.