To ask if you've ever met up with an old friend/acquaintance and they've TOTALLY changed?

[tworoundsofwaterplease]

I used to work with this person when I was at college. We both worked in a restaurant-for about 2-3 years.

We got on well, he was some 12 years my senior...he was quite loud and flamboyant in some ways but also very popular. We were Fb friends after that but haven't seen one another.

Fast forward some ten years and I have moved back to the town I worked with him in and around this time he sent me a msg on fb. Apparently in all the time we'd been fb friends he hadn't realised who I were and now he was so glad to know and can we meet up for a few drinks. I was fine with this idea as I don't know many people around here now.

We exchanged a few messages and he told me he now ran a cocktail bar in a village nearby, and was single but seeing a woman who was a regular there. We arranged for me to go into this cocktail bar for a few drinks and he told me to please never mention to her about his paratrooper background was I ever to meet her as he wanted her to like him for him, and not for being an elite soldier. This was weird thing number one as I'd never known he was 'an elite soldier' when we worked together. Anyway I didn't meet her as he changed the plan to go and meet in the city instead and 'have a few drinks by the river'.

Weird thing number 2 was he was meant to meet me at a landmark in the city but rang once already late to tell me he was going to be late as his boss had kept him behind. Boss, when he runs the place? He told me to go and get myself a drink at a nearby bar and wait for him (I didn't know this area of the city) so I found the bar and went. Weird thing number 3he turned up at the bar, some 30 mins late, with a cool box, and went into the bar to put contents of the cool box in the fridge and get some water to put in it.

I finished my glass of wine and he went back into the pub to get me another-from a bottle he'd stashed in the fridge-I found this odd but assumed he must know the owners of the bar, and it was nice of him to buy me a bottle of wine.

Weird thing number 4, we walked down to the river. I'd assumed 'a few drinks by the river' meant to go and sit in one of the pubs or bars near it but his idea was to drink from the bottles of wine he'd brought with him, he'd brought one for him one for me.

Weird thing number 5 was what alarmed me more. On the walk down to the river he kept trying to hold my hand, and while we sat by the river (on a step) he kept putting his hand on my leg.

He also talked extensively about his military career and told me that if I am ever interrogated, don't worry because he's given me false names so I don't really know anything.

While we sat on this step drinking wine, I got worried about what to do if I needed the loo-he mentioned this and then went into one of the nearby bars, returned and said that they were fine with us using the loo. I had had enough of drinking wine on a step by this point so asked him if we could go into one of the bars. He said yes, but if the one where we're permitted to use the loo, he has to pretend to be from Texas as he'd told them he was when asking to use the loo. I was bemused but helped him create a story about being from Texas. I am now thinking 'I need to get away from this weird situation' and feeling quite uncomfortable, and after paying for the drinks in this bar (I'd realised he must be skint to be carting bottles of wine about instead of going into establishments) I ordered a taxi.

He seems very excited about our friendship too and keeps ringing and messaging me inviting me to things. I ignored a call last night and then he rang me from a different number today to invite me to a dinner party on Friday, I don't want to go. I am scared I'll end up in someone's freezer.

Agreed.

OP, he sounds as if he’s got significant untreated MH issues. While obviously I wish him the best, for your own safety, I wouldn’t see him again, and I would give myself a stern talking to about not ignoring obvious danger signals in future. His MH crisis isn’t your issue.

I wondered about this too.

Assuming by 'come in' you mean you worked in a bar or a shop or something?

That's very sad. Telling you these stories must've brought some comfort to him. It's sad to think that he felt he had to do that-we don't have to have a fantastic job or an ideal set-up to have meaning to people's lives.

I definitely don't need him in my life and I am trying to find a way to get out of this dinner party now. He totally caught me off guard ringing with a different number and when I said I couldn't come due to work he said it was fine to come very late as his friends are italian and it'll be a late one anyway!

It's sad, but he isn't my problem.
I mean, other than the weirdness, I had a nice-ish day, weather was nice, I like the city and the river and spotting all of the inconsistencies and weirdness was okay for a while-we weren't out for a long time. But not something I want to do ever again!

It's funny you have said this because in the run-up to us meeting up, we spoke about my sexuality just in the context of I said I'd moved back due to a break-up and he said he had always respected my sexuality (and to be fair, some of the other blokes we worked with didn't always). He told me that a few people had assumed he was right wing despite him being Indian because he has a bald head and looks 'hard'. I'd have never assumed he was right wing, I have no idea where he got that from.

I think it's really clear that he's suffering a psychotic episode. Do you know any of his family or can you find out where they are? This happened to me with a boy from university who started university telling us about how he'd been chased on his gap year across America by drug dealers. We didn't really think much of us at that point and he had a normal first year. He came back in the second year with a completely different accent And started to hang out with this woman who was twice his age and a really rough prostitute. He ended up in hospital and left university. The nurse at the hospital I spoke to said he'd been taking drugs and I always wish I'd spoken to his father who was visiting about the things my friend had said had happened in his gap year and the way his accent had changed. I always feel really guilty about that.

I don't unfortunately. I think from the little he's said that night and in the past, that any family he has are still in India.

Before things became more odd, I'd asked about his family and he said his parents are still in India, and his brother had died of a heroin overdose. Prior to that night I can't remember him mentioning his family at all.

OP, where you say you’re trying to find a way of getting out of the dinner party…

This really sounds like an occasion where self- preservation has to override being kind, or basic courtesy. You’ve already told him you can’t go to the dinner party. Just keep saying that. Better still, don’t answer any calls for the next few days. It already sounds very sneaky that he rang you from a different number.

Based on all you’ve said, the dinner party is likely imaginary and there are no friends.

Does he know where you live?

I said no but it is clear he's still expecting me to go. For example he commented on a fb photo yesterday saying 'wear this on Friday!'

And when he rang I was at work and I said I couldn't go, sorry was working late on Friday 'oh no problem at all! Our dinner parties are always a late night thing!' See you then! I said 'no I can't, sorry but have a great time!' Then said I had to go, I was busy at work
'Its fine to come late! See you Friday!'
It was padded out more, he asked me what food I like/don't like etc but that was mainly it as to his expectations.

He knows the village i live in (some 30 mins from the city this dinner party is supposedly in, but that's it.

I'm confused about the party itself. He's cooking apparently but he says it is near the river where we were having a drink that last time. I didn't note any residential houses there at all.

With kindness, it's time for you to be blunt to the point of rudeness. "I don't want to see you again." Don't explain, don't apologise, don't get drawn trying to make it okay. Then block. Men like this can be dangerous.

OP, gently, it doesn’t matter what he’s expecting wrt the dinner party. You’ve said that don’t want to go. You’ve also said you don’t need him in your life.

In your position I’d send a text saying that you definitely can’t come to the dinner party - and then don’t respond to anything further from him.

Has he even given you an address where the dinner party will supposedly be held? My guess from what you’ve said, is that the dinner party is a fantasy and if you meet him on Friday, you’ll end up by the river with a bag of chips.

Thank you.
Yes, it is weird isn't it?
I am definitely not going.
But I think you're right, if I did go it would be a case of my ringing him on my way ad him saying 'right I'll meet you at that place we were having a drink' and then he'd make up some excuse as to why the party wasn't happening-perhaps everyone had to be up early and went home early or something..
I am glad he doesn't know where I live.
I am going to tell him I can't come (not even sure which number to text as there are several now!) and then block each number and on fb.
The whole thing is just too odd for me.

I have a feeling that the woman whose photo he showed me is perhaps 'another me' in that she's perhaps thought he was okay, spent a bit of time with him and then disappeared but now she's apparently someone he's dating.

On the night in question he asked me to help him delete her number from WhatsApp. I mean, surely he knows how to do this, he even said he did it each time he had a drink.
I will become another her now I think!

Inventing a military career has been part if numerous obsessive relationships that didn't end well. Say no thanks and distance from him.

"I'm not coming to your dinner party Walter. Have a great time with your friends. Best wishes for the future" Block on everything.
He sounds manic. Very sad, but the fact that he is so insistent/persistent is a very worrying red flag.
Notice "I'm not", rather than "I can't".

I think actually we all change. None of us are the same anymore so the relationship will be different anyway however. I suggest he's a fantasist and he was never in the army and created a whole exciting alter ego. I would run for the hills. He's making stuff up even now

Hmmm... I don't think I'd see him again. Even socially. There's quite a few "red flags" here, that shout "mental health problems."

Sorry, I missed this but you're definitely right. It's something I tell to other women all the time! I didn't so much mind the boss thing, I mean exaggerating your input into a business doesn't necessarily mean-creep plus perhaps it was a chain he ran and it was the owner of the chain or something? I don't know. Weirdly I can't find this cocktail bar online anywhere and when he rang yesterday he said he'd quit his job and was now a freelance wedding cocktail waiter.

I have texted him now.

'I am not coming on Friday. I hope you all have a great time, all the best for the future'.

It felt hard writing that without any pleasantries or excuses! It shouldn't have. I am definitely one of those who was brought up to be nice and tolerant.#

I am quite nervously awaiting my phone ringing from yet another different number-and the nature of my work (I am freelance as well as employed) means I quite often get calls from numbers I don't know. I am going to add a vm message to say to please text me with your details if I am unable to answer, so that potential clients are aware to do that rather than to keep trying ringing.

I mentioned this incident to my (80 year old) Mum who said 'That bloody paratrooper regiment must be massive, the number of lost souls that have always been in it' 😂

I didn't know that was a thing?!

Glad to hear you’ve sent that text. It does contain pleasantries! You hope he has a good time at the ‘dinner party’ and wished him well.

Be prepared to hang up immediately when he phones you again from another number. I think he’ll keep trying you for a while

‘Quit his job again’….what a surprise. His presentation is shouting mental illness, which is very sad, but absolutely not a good idea for you to take him on. Hopefully he’ll eventually get scooped up by what remains of the MH services.

He sounds like a real weirdo. Sorry. I wouldn't meet him again.

Singer songwriter Al Stewart has a great song from the 70s about this called Modern Times- here’s the lyrics - great track if you google it

Hello, old friend, what a strange coincidence to find you
It's been fifteen years since we last met, but I still recognized you
So call the barman over here, and let us fill our glasses
And drink a toast to olden times where all our memories lie
Where all our memories lie
Do you remember the time we were young?
Lowly, lowly, low
Outside the window, the frosty moonlight hung
On the evening snow
So we pulled our scarves around our faces in the night
Huddled on the doorsteps where the fairy lights shone bright
Singing Christmas carols while our breath hung in the light
It all comes back like yesterday
It almost seems like yesterday
Do you remember the changes as we grew?
Slowly, slowly, slow
Sneaking in the back way into movies after school
For the evening show
Chasing skinny blue jean girls across the building site
Checking out the dance floor while the band played "Hold Me Tight"
See the blonde one over there: I bet she'd be alright
It all comes back like yesterday
It almost seems like yesterday
While I talked, he sat and he never made a sound
Staring at the glass beside me
Hey, old friend, tell me what's on your mind?
Silence grows on you like ivy
Ivy
Do you remember the church across the sands?
Holy, holy, ho
We stood outside and planned to travel the lands
Where the pilgrims go
So you packed your world up inside a canvas sack
Set off down the highway with your rings and Kerouac
Someone said they saw you in Nepal a long time back
Don't you have a word to say?
Tell me why you look away
He said, "I don't remember, don't want to remember
In fact I've heard too much already
I don't want to think, just leave me here to drink
Wrapped up in the warmth of New York City
Oh, oh, it seems you just don't know
And you just don't understand me
I've got no use for the tricks of modern times
They tangle all my thoughts like ivy
Ivy"
So I left him, I went out to the street
Lowly, lowly, low
Where the red light girls were running after me
Hundred dollar show
All across the city's heart the lights were coming on
The hotel lift softly hummed a Cole Porter song
If I went to look for him I knew he would be gone
A picture card of yesterday
A photograph of yesterday
Far off in a deserted part of town
The shadows like some silent army
Flooded out the rooms in pools of blue and brown
And stuck to all the walls like ivy

I have just listened to that-what a beautiful song.

Although regarding meaning someone on here states that it is a song written to his old self before MH issues.I think your synopsis makes more sense.https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858714274/

Much as I definitely do not want to go to the 'dinner party', I would quite like to be a fly on its wall, if it indeed even has one.

I mentioned upthread that he had commented on a photo of me on fb saying 'wear this on Friday!'.

That photo is one of me wearing a long, dusky pink silky frock. Can just imagine me arriving at this 'dinner party' wearing that, and ending up tottering around the city centre in it supping wine from a flask or something.

My guess from him running a bar and the odd behavior is substance use. Very very prolific in the service industry.

Except for the handholding and leg touching that sounds like an entertaining evening! But yeah unless you’re into the party and drug scene I’d generally stay away from him and his friends.

Oh and your red flag # 1(I think) about him running a bar but having a boss doesn’t seem that unusual.