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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Table Manners

21 replies

Fatcrab · 17/06/2025 14:46

I bought some massive rib eye steaks for mum and I. Asked her what sides she wanted which i arranged and then got cooking.

Offered her which one she wanted and she said the biggest one so I obliged. After cutting up hers and serving her I then sorted out mine, by the time I had sat down she was 1/3rd through her meal. I had to remind her we were supposed to be eating together.

Then she couldnt even finish her steak and took it home.

I personally think things like this are bad manners, but my friend from america said its normal there to start eating as soon as served?

OP posts:
LiveLoveLaughQueef · 17/06/2025 14:54

I think it’s rude not to wait unless you are told to go ahead and start or if the food is going to go cold and not be as enjoyable.

Are you in America? If not then it doesn’t really apply as different countries have different cultures and expectations when dining.

Just out of curiosity, why were you cutting up your mums food for her?

I wouldn’t mind someone taking food home, It’s better than wasting it and it must mean your mum enjoyed it enough to want to finish it later.

GaspingGekko · 17/06/2025 14:55

You cut up your mum's steak? I'm confused.

I agree that you should wait for others to sit before eating, but I'm not sure why you were taking so long to get to the table.

LadyLucyWells · 17/06/2025 14:56

Polite to wait unless you are told not to. But maybe she was really hungry, your cooking looked amazing and being your mum, she felt at ease.

Myeyesareopen · 17/06/2025 15:00

Perhaps keep the plates in the cooking area until they are both ready to be served, then you can sit down and eat together once everything is ready? A restaurant wouldn't plate and serve one dish, then plate and serve another 10 minutes later.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/06/2025 15:02

Mmmm in a restaurant I would always wait. But thinking about it, if I was at home and my DH put down a plate of food in front of me I would probably tuck in. Kinda think it’s a compliment. I can’t imaging sitting and waiting at my own table.

GinnyandGeorgia · 17/06/2025 15:04

It is bad manner, but she's your mum, she raised you, you should know more about her manners than we do.

At home, it's normal for guest to wait BUT for the host to tell them to start! You don't let guest looking at their food getting cold,

StrawberrySquash · 17/06/2025 15:13

You are eating together. So I would wait. Having said that I don't like sitting there for a long time with food I can't eat that is going cold.

And yes, eyes bigger than belly is annoying.

CloudywMeatballs · 17/06/2025 15:24

I'm in America - that would still be rude. But if I was you I would probably have said something like "go ahead and start" if I knew it was going to take me a few more minutes to finish preparing mine.

The real question, though is why are you cutting up her steak? Why weren't both plates of food ready at the same time?

CarpetKnees · 17/06/2025 15:25

There is no point in letting food go cold - if you are choosing to serve something that is something where one has to be cooked after the other, rather than both being ready at the same time, then the normal thing to do would be to say "Go ahead Mum, there's no point in yours getting cold".

Am also confused as to why you are cutting up her food.

As a pp said, she probably felt relaxed in your home, so didn't realise you wanted a more formal set of manner using. Surely most people are more relaxed at home than out in a restaurant or at a function ?

mumonthehill · 17/06/2025 15:28

For me you never start eating until either all are served or the host/cook has sat down. This is what we have always done.

AppropriateAdult · 17/06/2025 16:25

Gosh, there are lots of people ‘confused’ as to why you’re cutting up your mum’s meat, aren’t there, OP? Not for them the good faith assumption that there’s a practical reason for this, like that your mum has arthritic hands and finds it difficult to cut meat; no, instead they must focus on this completely irrelevant aspect of your post and pretend to be discombobulated by it Hmm

CloudywMeatballs · 17/06/2025 16:43

AppropriateAdult · 17/06/2025 16:25

Gosh, there are lots of people ‘confused’ as to why you’re cutting up your mum’s meat, aren’t there, OP? Not for them the good faith assumption that there’s a practical reason for this, like that your mum has arthritic hands and finds it difficult to cut meat; no, instead they must focus on this completely irrelevant aspect of your post and pretend to be discombobulated by it Hmm

It's not irrelevant, because if she didn't have to cut it up then they could both have been served at the same time.

AppropriateAdult · 17/06/2025 19:51

CloudywMeatballs · 17/06/2025 16:43

It's not irrelevant, because if she didn't have to cut it up then they could both have been served at the same time.

Show quote history

No, that doesn’t follow from what the OP said. She cut up her mum’s meal, served it to her and then sorted out her own (which I presume means either dishing it up, or actually cooking the steak). Even if she hadn’t cut up her mum’s steak she would still have had to plate up her own before sitting down.

SpuytenDuyvil · 17/06/2025 19:56

Rude people start eating before the host/ess sits down and begins. Not Americans.

ClareBlue · 17/06/2025 20:02

I find it exceptionally rude but everybody gets their food at the same time in our house so there is no opportunity to do it. Eating together is an important social event for families.

EggnogNoggin · 17/06/2025 20:06

You're right in principle, but mot when it comes to steak.

Pineapplewaves · 17/06/2025 20:23

It’s rude to start eating before everyone else is seated. However, I would have kept your DM’s warm in the oven until yours was ready then placed both plates on the table at the same time. It was unfair to make your DM sit there with her meal going cold waiting for you to finish making yours.

cinnamongirl123 · 17/06/2025 20:26

Was your mum raised in a barn?

belleager · 17/06/2025 20:35

If your mum didn't bring you up to do this, why would you expect her to do it?

I think it's rude to criticise a guest like that - ruder than eating without waiting.

I'm prepared to be corrected by other Irish people on this, but I don't think people waited when I was growing up there in the 90s and 00s. And in the UK now, people usually insist on the others going ahead in my experience.

I can't imagine a situation where I would make my mother wait for me to start her dinner, in either country.

Bitzee · 17/06/2025 20:37

I have kids who like a steak but can’t cut it themselves and I would have plated everyone’s, quickly chopped the kids which takes what 30 seconds, then served everyone together and we all eat together. It was weird that you served hers but hadn’t even plated yours yet. Since the steak had been chopped already, presumably necessary for age/health reasons, it would get cold quite quickly so I get that she didn’t want to wait whilst you were still plating. But equally she should have said ‘mind if I start before it gets cold’ or something to that effect. Tucking in without a word was rude. And it’s still rude in America- I’ve lived there too! Then if she’s elderly then her appetite may not be what it once was, and as you say the steaks were massive, so I don’t get the issue with her not finishing and having the leftovers later…

Original poster
Fatcrab · 18/06/2025 19:08

I cut up just her steak because it was on a massive bone (tomohawk)and needed to discard before plating.

OP posts:
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