Just so I don’t drip feed, I’ll start by saying my dad’s partner isn’t married to him so she’s not a step mum but they share a house, I guess they plan to marry at some point. I’m only calling her SM for ease.
BUT, if your husband/partner has adult children and now a grandchild, how much do you accommodate/facilitate them visiting? Are you happy if they do?
I was hoping to surprise my dad for his birthday this weekend with my little boy, so duly checked with SM what their plans were as I didn’t want to intrude on the day. Nothing much, lunch and a walk out. I asked my dad what he hoped to do with the day. Nothing much he said, no evening plans, just a day out. Maybe a drink somewhere local in the evening.
I live fairly far away so I don’t visit much but they have spare rooms so we do usually stay. However last time it seemed a bit fraught and she didn’t seem thrilled to have us there, she went out for most of the time, and my dad was quite bad tempered. Incidentally my son was having a rare tricky weekend, nothing extraordinary just waking up early, a few tantrums, not listening. Nothing i expected anyone else to have to deal with but it made me a bit on edge as it just seemed to be an annoyance.
So we haven’t been back since and not wanting to put anyone out as it’s short notice, I booked a b&b -a couple of miles down the road, as I can use the weekend to see other family members too and it’s a nice part of the world and my son loves the countryside. I suggested we meet at the nearby pub in the evening, it’s a pub they occasionally go to for a Friday night drink and very local to them (but not their most local) so I was still hoping it might be a nice surprise for my dad. This is being met by so much resistance from her for feeble reasons that it’s just made me feel a bit gutted and not wanting to bother and I don’t understand why she won’t make an effort to accommodate a 90 minute drink with her partner’s daughter and grandson.
Anyway so my main question is, if your partner has adult children, do you make the effort to be welcoming, are you put out if they want to come and stay/visit and take up your partners time? If not, why not? Does it annoy you to have to share your home and your time with people that aren’t your children or grandchildren? Do you just accept that’s it’s part and parcel of a second relationship but quietly resent it?
Upshot is I’ll just have to tell my dad now we’re coming and see what he wants to do but I can imagine I’m going to cause some sort of friction between them now which is absolutely not what I intended. I imagine she’ll think I’ve spoilt things somehow. My dad will probably feel like he can’t please us both and at the same time I’m pissed off with her for what feels like gatekeeping me from my own dad on his birthday.
just to add, I don’t drive, we’ll be coming by train but they both drive. So it’s not like it’s difficult for them to get a couple of miles down the road.