Hi all,
I’m feeling really upset and not sure how to move forward from something I recently discovered, and I could really use some outside perspective.
I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. We lived in the US for a while, then moved to Europe together for our studies. He comes from a wealthy family, whereas I don’t — and honestly, that dynamic has always been quietly present in the background.
His mother (my MIL) is… complicated. On the surface, she’s very polite and ‘posh’, but underneath I’ve come to see how manipulative, self-centred, and emotionally immature she really is. I spent years trying to gain her approval, being kind and polite, but she never warmed up to me. Eventually, I stopped trying.
We waited a long time to have children — our first was born 9 years into our marriage. Since then, everything with her has gotten worse. She’s always had issues with alcohol and sleeping pills, but when our son was born she became overbearing and intrusive.
She insisted on visiting right after he was born, even though we had a tough birth (baby had jaundice and I was still in pain and struggling to breastfeed). She brought a friend, expected my husband to plan their trip, book hotels, etc. — all while we were dealing with eviction (our landlord wanted to sell our flat) and trying to move!
She showed up at the hospital clearly smelling of wine and took a photo of me in a hospital gown without asking, then shared it with my husband’s entire family. She kept texting him that we should just leave the hospital early and that I was being dramatic about my recovery. When we got discharged from hospital , she showed up with bags of clothes for my husband and a suit for the baby — nothing for me, not even a card. Not that I expected anything fancy, but it was just another reminder that I’m invisible to her.
She continued bombarding my husband with messages during his paternity leave (only 2 weeks) — asking to be taken out to dinners, tours, etc., with zero regard for the fact we had a newborn and were exhausted.
Now, recently, my own parents came to visit and have been staying with us. They’ve been incredibly helpful — cooking, cleaning, helping with the baby — just lovely, supportive grandparents. One night while I was trying to settle the baby, I kept hearing my husband’s phone vibrating. I picked it up to silence it… and that’s when I saw some horrible messages from my MIL.
She was telling my husband that my parents are “abusive” and “manipulative,” saying they’re taking advantage of him and that having them around is a burden. She even implied that he is the victim in all of this and that he should “distance himself” from my family. I won’t repeat some of the things she said because they honestly made me sick.
I’m heartbroken. I don’t know how to confront my husband without admitting that I saw the messages, but I’m also furious at him for not defending me or my parents. How can he allow her to speak like that about people who have done nothing but help?
I feel stuck between confronting him, ignoring it, or somehow trying to set boundaries with a woman who clearly has no respect for me or my family. I know hormones and new motherhood can cloud your judgment, so I really want to ask — am I overreacting? What would you do in my shoes?