Ex has moved on - but I'm struggling with it

[feelingblue111]

I left my relationship in 2023 and my 15yo son and I moved out. My son sees his dad 2 nights a week, sometimes more - it varies but it's mostly 2 nights a week.

My ex has now moved on and has met someone else, he has a full social life - as evidenced by our shared calendar in which he 'thoughtfully' adds all his social events alongside dates when he's not having my son.

I'll be the first to admit that I feel jealous that he's moved on. I'm jealous that he's got a new gf, new friends and a new social life and has all this time.

I have a couple of close friends that don't live nearby really so I don't see them very often. I work from home as well so don't get the opportunity to meet new people. I do yoga and go running. But I don't have anything going on in my social life at all compared to my ex. I've just had the whole weekend to myself and I had no plans at all so I took myself to the cinema and went running. I'm trying to be positive and make the best of the time when my son is with his dad. But I am feeling lonely.

It just makes me feel like I've failed somehow. I'm a friendly outgoing person but I'm feeling trapped at home and lonely.

Not sure what I'm asking here really...AIBU to feel jealous, or AINBU?
Any words of advice?

Sympathies - it's understandable you're feeling a bit jealous. Could you join something or take up a group hobby of some kind to get to know some new people?

Easy…. Stop this shared calendar

absolutely zero reason for it with one 15 year old shared

Can you make friends through your current interests? Join a running club or go to/volunteer at parkrun. Maybe look for a new yoga class you could go to.

You don’t need to know what ex is doing, I wonder if he’s putting events in so he can say he’s busy on those dates, ring-fencing his time.

Remember in your head the reasons you left, why the relationship wasn’t working for you.

How far away are your existing friends? Maybe you can get some dates in the diary with them. I am similarly challenged in that I work from home and don’t live very close to uni friends etc but with younger DC so I’m a big tired to socialise much anyway.

Is he really going out so much, or is he trying to fuck with your head?

Get the shared calendar in the bin for a start, comparison is the thief of joy. So what if he’s going out all the time…lots of people are going out all the time, they are not your actual issue it’s your unfulfilled life that is. So delete the calendar and focus on filling your own diary. You’re kind of torturing yourself here, he’s nothing to do with you any more…move on

Or you could fight fire with fire and start putting silly things in the calendar yourself like “date with my first big willy man” or something and eventually he’ll get the message.

Oh Jesus please don't do this.

Just delete the shared calendar. Absolutely no need for it.

Do you want to date and perhaps meet someone?

You could get on an online dating app or something and start finding someone to fill your calendar with?

Alternatively you could reach out and reconnect with old friends or family or join a making friends Facebook group in your area or join a book club/running club/knitting club/WI or anything at all to meet people and get yourself out there.

You make your own opportunities in life and if you don’t put in the effort you won’t reap the reward

Ok a few things…

First thing, Your son is 15 years old, I can’t think for one moment why you still need to have a shared calendar with your ex partner. This seems like a huge invasion of each others privacy in my opinion.

Second, comparison is really the thief of all joy. The reason you are jealous of your ex’s life is because you are putting too much headspace into it, you are allowed to be you. He can be him. What he does shouldn’t concern you anymore.

Third, if you are unhappy instead of complaining of feeling woo is me, my ex has it all together and I don’t. Do something about it! Get off the calender, make your own plans, date again if you want too, go to a club to make new friends, call one of your close friends to meet up at the weekend when you don’t have your DC. Drive to them and visit them.

Stop the shared calendar or delete his personal stuff.

Stop the shared calendar and make some changes to your own life to put yourself out there. You say you have no time but then that you just had a whole weekend with no plans… maybe a house or job move would be a good start.

I probably should have said although our son is 15 he is autistic and has adhd so is not very independent so we do need to be able to align dates etc for when we are each having him. The document that my ex uses he shares with me but I can't edit it. It's so he can manage his dates and keep a track of everything. I could ask him to remove the social events from his document I suppose but he'll know that it's bothering me...

Stop the shared calender & just discuss it over a quick text message in future.

Tell your ex you feel uncomfortable having this much knowledge of his life and request a different shared calendar

Either a social life is your idea of hell, and it's a non issue.

If you are jealous, just create your own social life, but for you, not for your ex.

Join a running club.
Start a hobby

What did you do when you were still together?

having so much free time when your teen is with his dad is a luxury, make the most of it. What do YOU like to do. Don't make it into a competition with your ex, you are the one who moved out, do it for you.

I'm jealous that he's got a new gf, new friends and a new social life and has all this time.

Then increase the time he spends with his own kid! You are busy, he needs to do more.

Use a parenting app or just text messages. There's still no reason to have the private life calendar.

It’s not a shared calendar if you can’t edit it! Surely it would be better for your son to have two fixed days rather than as and when?