Invisible on Birthday

[LootyTootyIW]

On my birthday, I was meant to be going out for dinner with my family. DS was then asked to play in a football match that evening so just me and DD went out. The plan was to all meet up for cake and to open presents after the match. What actually happened was that DH decided after the match to go and get a takeaway with DS, arriving home pretty late, and for the two of them to have that instead of birthday cake but I "could have cake if I wanted it'. No mention of my birthday, opening presents etc just discussion of the match. AIBU to feel this isn't actually ok?

That's dreadful. Why did they go to the football match at all - surely your birthday - a once a year occasion - was far more important than a ball game which can be any day of the week, any time of the year?

Why you putting up with this? I take it the men in your life disappoint you often?

I would go ballistic. There is a time and place for gentle parenting, learning experiences what have you BUT there is also a time and place to advise your family that you deserve respect and that you WILL NOT accept insult. You work hard on their behalf and they should be expected to acknowledge that at Christmas, birthday and on Mother’s Day.

You have been insulted by your husband (you don’t say how old your children are so I won’t comment on them). I don’t take being insulted by my family. (I don’t like the word disrespect- it waters down the word insult when insult is. Ore appropriate as it is here). You are right to be affronted.

Start with your husband. He needs to be made uncomfortable with his decision to insult you. If he is permitted to feel no effect, he will continue with no effort.

I am so sorry. Happy belated birthday to you. That is not on. MN can be a weird place where posters are bewildered that other adult adults want to celebrate their birthday. But I think it is really important to acknowledge the birthdays of those you care about. He put zero effort into it. I’m not surprised you feel sad and rejected.

If it’s important to you (and it is for me), then your DH should make it a priority and train the kids by example.
Happy belated birthday. 🎉🥂

Make sure you remember how you are feeling now when your DH’s birthday comes around and ensure that you offer a repeat of the experience. On no account should you put any effort into his celebration and if possible you should go out for the day yourself and arrive home late with a kebab for one! If DH asks what you have been up to on his important day just say ‘oh I thought this is how we did birthdays now’. Learning though experience is often the only way.

Unless you are under 12yo, YABU. Adults don’t need all that hoopla for their birthdays, it’s something people grow out of.

Disagree 100%

Crappy behaviour by dh op. This would really upset me. How does he expect to be treated on his birthday?

blimey, why do some people insist on sucking the joy out of life? Why is birthday fun only for kids?

As people who do a lot of sport DH and I know you can't rearrange a fixture round a birthday, BUT you can make sure that if there's a clash you leave straight after it finishes, clean yourself up, go to see the person whose birthday it is, and make a big fuss of them for the rest of the day. I think the OP's husband & son were rather thoughtless on this one. One day a year to show someone that they as an individual are special to you is not much to ask.

Nobody, including children, needs the hoopla. We do the hoopla because it's fun and it's a way to show a person you love that they matter. I don't know about you, but I don't want to grow out of that, ever.

I would be cross with DH about this. I understand DS not wanting to miss the match but you then made plans around this that DH should not have ignored. If he thought DS would be hungry then he should have suggested getting takeaway for everyone and bringing that home before cake.

Thanks for the replies. To ge honest, I am in some agreement with the poster who says no hoopla and I would definitely not have wanted DS to miss his match. But it's quite reassuring to read that general consensus isn't that I'm a spoiled brat fir feeling disappointed. Looking forward to the Kebab on husband's birthday:)

@summersingsinme Nobody, including children, needs the hoopla

I disagree, I think children DO need this as it aligns them with other children. Can you imagine being a child and all the other kids at school having a birthday/party/presents/cake etc but you don’t? I think that’s bordering on abuse in a way.

However, once children are old enough to understand that this only exists to make Hallmark et al rich then they understand it, and that it is not needed. We did this with our kids at high school age and they got it. It’s not a case of having to do this to show a person you love that they matter! That should be spontaneous and constant, not having to abide by a certain day on the calendar. We all do things for each other organically, so while we don’t do birthday gifts etc, if we see something that we know someone else will really like we will get it at the time and give it to them as a show/sign of love/appreciation. It’s not dictated by a calendar. Young children don’t get this, they just see others around them having scheduled parties/presents/cake, their thinking is not evolved enough to understand, so until it is, I’d think this is a need for them.

Your husband should be ripped a new one for this. As for DS, not sure how old he is but if a teen, he can also be told off! At least you got to have dinner out with your DD. Why not suggest you all go out together on the weekend to celebrate instead?

Exactly!

Happy belated birthday @LootyTootyIW !🎉

A meal out and some cake is now a hoopla?

You've misunderstood my point, I meant that in general birthdays don't need hoopla - obviously not that individual children should get nothing while their peers celebrate.

My meaning was just it is a way to show love and that you value a person. Obviously as an adult you don't have to restrict that to birthdays but if you know the person you care above would like some acknowledgement and a bit of cake on theirs, then it isn't too much to ask. I like birthdays, I like celebrating other people's birthdays - it's nice, even if you aren't a child. It doesn't have to be "Hallmark" either.