To think I'm being guilt tripped out of going for maintenance

[Isitmethreee]

My DD (11) lives with me full time, emotionally abusive exH who has scared her so she doesn't want to see him. DS (10) still goes to his Dad and does 50/50.

I recently applied for maintenance for DD as he hasn't contributed for over a year for her despite me asking for help with clothes, uniform etc...

CMS have calculated an amount he is supposed to pay each month but he has emailed me to offer less than half that amount. He has said he will lose his house. I'm don't think this is true.

He has a hold over DS and makes him feel guilty, it's very subtle but it's there. My solicitor called me today to say that exH had called him saying it was too much money he couldn't afford it and said well DS wants to spend more time with him.
My solicitor has said it felt like a veiled threat to him but it was up to me what I wanted to do.

I'm so scared if I go for the full maintenance amount he will guilt trip DS to living with him full time. We are currently going though a section 7 at the moment too.

I feel silly to even think about taking his offer but no amount of money is worth risking DS not seeing me.

You know your son. Is there any chance he will want to live there full time? If so then either drop it about the maintenance or take what he offers. If there is no chance your son will want to do that anyway then apply for the maintenance you are owed. I wouldn’t care about the ex and his opinion etc but if he is manipulating your son and you don’t want him to live there then that is more important.

I don't have any advice OP but I hear you.
My ex gives me a monthly payment which is about half of what he should. He told me if I wanted a penny more to went to cos he'd take me to court to get 50/50.
I have had therapy and counciling and more therapy. I was diagnosed with ptsd following his repeated threats like this.

I've chosen to go without. I know it's not the right thing to do deep down, but like you said, no money in this world is worth risking my time with my boys.

I don't think he would want to live there but he feels so guilty and is so manipulated by his Dad that what he wants comes second and I think he would go along with it.

If you think he’d go along with it then I’d accept the exs offer. It might not be right, but I’d not risk my son being used in that way

Is he vindictive enough to make ds live with him full time?

I would check with the police if this is Coercive control which is a crime.
It sounds like it might be.
Give Women's aid a call too.

massive hugs op.

if it were me I’d drop the CMS claim for fear of losing my ds…but that feels so wrong.
im so sorry. You’re slightly stuck aren’t you…
your x sounds like an utter bastard.

Yes absolutely is!

he was an emotionally abusive H, now he's an emotionally abusive EX.
Reinforce to DS how much he is loved and valued with you.

Could EXH manage FT care?

Take the lower amount he is offering for sake of ds. Gutting but I personally wouldn't risk it if he is than vindictive

I really feel for you and completely understand that hold an abusive ex can have over the child, my ex does and mine are very young. I would hate to do it, but I'd take the half amount, at least it is more than what you were getting.

But I would also consider therapy for the kids, look into how you can doscuss healthy and unhealthy relationships (never mention dad), talk about how to have a strong voice with friends, teachers and you. These skills will hopefully transfer.

It is likely ex will see he has a hold over you and will stop paying cms in the future or lower it further. Hopefully you will have continued to work with your son to build him up so he has a strong opinion to share.

My ex told me he would go bankrupt and have to move 7 hours away where housing was cheaper/he originally comes from. Unfortunately just another lie as he is still here. Thankfully I have a recent court order in my favour. But I understand the not so veiled threats.

No I don't think so but that wouldn't stop him. For him it's really not about what's best for DS it's about getting back at me. DS isn't strong enough to stand up to him though and won't do anything against his dad.

Where does dad live is it close enough to take him to school?
Have these conversations been in writing or verbal?

These might impact how likely he would be to win at court.

Your son's views will be listened to more and more as he goes to secondary school, but as you say his dad might guilt him into telling cafcass he wants to go there full time.

Child maintenance is only 11% of a pre tax salary you ex is being pathetic.

Practically speaking, who earns more? As say daughter lives with you ft and son lives with ex ft, you counter claim, what is the difference? If this is less than what your ex is offering perhaps accept what he's offering, if it's more to you then tell him that and ask him to provide at least that for his daughter.

Hang fire on any decision until you've been through the Section 7 and it's progressed a bit in court. Did you have anything written into your financial separation agreement about maintenance? Or is that not done yet?

Nothing written into settlement as I originally agreed to 50/50 shared care. DD hasn't been to him for 16 months now so I thought it was time to claim maintenance.

He earns around £45k a year more than me.

If there was a counter claim if DS went to live with his dad then he would still have to pay me more than what he is offering now.

He lives close so logically with school it would work. I understand his views would be taken into account but I really don't think they would be his views.