I don’t feel cut out for life

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I feel as though I am lacking something in my brain. I look around and it appears everyone is coping ok, not always thriving, but coping. I don’t feel that this is the case for me,

I have lived in a state of chronic stress for the last year and it’s left me feeling completely numb towards life. I can’t even cry because I have become so disconnected from myself.

I work shifts 6 on 4 off. I’m total in those 6 days I work 54 hours. My partner works Monday-Friday 8:30-5:30. We have two children, one school age and one nursery age. We have just moved in to a wonderful home but I feel so unhappy because I can just never stay on top of anything. When my days off fall during the week I have four days of solo parenting and school runs, cleaning, shopping, food prep and then before I know it I’m back in work again.

My shifts include lates and nights and I am not rested. I feel guilty for napping in the day because that’s my only chance to catch up on housework.

I am getting fat because I have no time for exercise. My eldest child is so needy at bedtime and needs me to lay with her for an hour before she falls asleep. If I leave the room once she’s asleep she will wake up shouting and asking for me to come back.

We have very little support from family. My mum will occasionally help with drop offs at school if required but will not have my children overnight.

There is no break. I feel broken, unhealthy, depressed. My job is high pressured and stressful, dealing with people in crisis and lots of abusive people also.

I think about suicide but could never act on this because I love my children so much. It hurts my heart that I cannot be my best self for them. I feel that I used to have a spark, and energy for life. That’s all gone. I can’t remember the last time I felt excitement or genuine joy.

Every day I just count down the hours/minutes until I can lay in my bed and shut he world out. It’s horrible.

I get so angry at myself for struggling this much. I know single mums who are amazing, they don’t complain and just crack on.

You have young dc, a stressful job, and you work shifts. This sounds incredibly hard. Of course yanbu to feel the way you do, but you need some support if you're having these dark thoughts. (No judgement, I've felt similarly.)

If you don't have family support could you afford a cleaner? Even just once a fortnight would give you some time back for yourself. Obviously it's not a magic solution but it could be a place to start. We weren't designed to handle all of this alone.

There's not much advice i can offer but want to say that youre doing well. Your kids are looked after and feel safe with you - so safe that they insist you sit with them!

Can dh help more on your days off? Do you have any siblings? How's your relationship with your mum in general? Can you tell her how youre feeling and explain that you just need a day to yourself every couple of weeks?

Youre valued and you matter girl - can you work your finances to cut down by a few hours, I know you've just moved

Just keep going ❤️

Find a way to get out of the job! Shift work is awful for physical and mental health. You need to prioritise your health for your children's sake. If 9-5 isn't an option in your role move on to something else, even if it's just for a few years whilst you get through the early childhood years and have time to recuperate. People often say they couldn't afford a pay cut but the majority of people could cut back and learn to live with a lower income.

Sounds like you are being extremely hard on yourself- you have a lot on your plate.

Shift work is so exhausting. 54 hrs of shift work is A LOT so I doubt many people are doing that. Feeling down is also linked to shifts and tiredness plus how isolating it is because you can’t meet s friend when you finish work at 3am etc. Do you have health assured at work or any sort of work welfare where you could talk to someone?

Also see if you could drop just a couple of hours because by the time tax, pension etc have come off it might not make as much difference as you might think. Or keep up the hours but try to scrape the money together for a cleaner.

I have a tiny garden but just the thought of cutting the grass stresses me out as I am buy with other things so I pay someone to cut the grass. I do not care what anyone else thinks of that. I will never cut the grass again as it’s too much for me. You have got too much on your plate so it’s no wonder you don’t feel great.

I also struggle with my weight so I know how hard it is. Can you go for walks with the kids? Walk to the park? Walk a neighbours dog. It will clear your head and make you feel a lot better. It also might wear the kids out.

I’m in tears at your replies so far. Thank you for reading this. I haven’t looked in to having a cleaner but I will do, if we could afford that it would be a help.

I do feel so bonded to my children and they keep me going, I just wish I could be a more healthy person mentally for them. I mask way feelings but I know children are intuitive and I am sure they pick up on it sometimes.

I am looking at other roles in my workplace. I have to do a minimum of two years in my current role before I can move departments, and I’m 18 months in. I look at the internal vacancies daily to try and plan a way out and there are many that work financially and aren’t shifts but I just need to see out the next 6 months before I can apply basically

I'm not sure anyone could cope with the massive load that you are currently dealing with.

You're finding it hard because it's really really hard.

Acknowledge that first - it's not you, it's the massive responsibility that you have.

Can you pay to offload anything? Cleaner? Ready meals? Can your partner pick up any more of the workload?

The children's needs will lessen as they get older but I remember struggling to hold it together as i managed another bedtime.

You really sound like you need some help - start with your partner and let them know you're struggling. If not, does your workplace have resources you can tap into?

It sounds like you need to carve out some time for yourself somehow, doing something you enjoy.

OP, are you a police officer?

Not an officer, but within the police yes

I’m sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I felt sad reading this, and truly hope things improve for you. It’s completely understandable to have times where you are just counting down until you can get some much needed rest, you are doing so much, trying so hard. All I can say of reassurance is no feeling lasts forever, you will feel better one day, one way or another, I promise! Hang on in there.

Sorry you are having such a bad time of it OP. Are you on any medication to help? Sertraline had been life-changing for me. Anyone would feel stressed with everything you have on your plate, but if you can't realistically change your life, all you can do if change your feelings about what's going on x

Op, your partner gets every evening and every weekend off, surely he must be able to lighten the load?

I told my kids that if they woke in the night and needed me, they are welcome to sneak into my bed, they just need to try not to wake me unless an emergency. I put night light plug-ins on the landing to help them find their way. Screaming in the night just means I'm tired the next day and can't play with them.

Are you able to go on the sick fir a couple of weeks

you are running on empty atm

your kids are young and it’s v hard when they are that age I went part time and took the financial hit for 4 months then asked them if I could increase my hours which of course they let me because most high pressure roles always need more staff

try not to fret about your housework and cleaners are definitely worth it!