Am I being too harsh re. DP’s job/mood?

AmyJ95 · 2025-06-16T19:47:59+00:00

I am going to keep the details high level so not to be outing - DH is early 30’s and earns over 50k, he has been at the same company his whole career but now feels he has stagnated and really doesn’t enjoy his role - says it is ‘soul destroying’ and impacting his non work life. He has been trying for a few months to apply for new roles without success and is weighing up a career change (keeps doubting this as he will need to take a drop in salary initially). My question is - AIBU to tell him that there’s no need for his job to affect his mode outside of work? I feel like he should switch off and be grateful he is in seemingly secure employment paying a good wage a lot of people his age would be desperate to have. He’s so much happier when he has a week off but then snaps straight back into a mood by the Monday evening !

Swampdonkey123 · 16/06/2025 20:55

I think you would be massively unfair to tell him how he should feel and expect him to just suck it up. I'm sure if it was that simple he would just switch off from it. Can you not support him to explore his options for a new career?

Ilovepastafortea · 16/06/2025 21:02

If DP is so unhappy to the extent that it's impacting on his out of work time couldn't he find another job which he would find more rewarding even if it means a decrease in household income?

At the end of the day spending 40+ hours doing a job that makes you unhappy isn't worth it.

My DH volunteers at the local hospice & frequently tells me that no-one says on their death bed that they wish they'd spent more time at work.

Life is short, we never know when it will end. I think that you should support him to live his life to the full even if it means that you don't have as much money to spend.

Original poster

AmyJ95 · 16/06/2025 21:02

Swampdonkey123 · 16/06/2025 20:55

I think you would be massively unfair to tell him how he should feel and expect him to just suck it up. I'm sure if it was that simple he would just switch off from it. Can you not support him to explore his options for a new career?

I am supportive of him changing career but just feel he could make more of an effort to not be so downbeat..

OP posts:

Ilovepastafortea · 16/06/2025 21:05

AmyJ95 · 16/06/2025 21:02

I am supportive of him changing career but just feel he could make more of an effort to not be so downbeat..

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If his job is making him so downbeat you should support him to change it.

Sorry if it sounds harsh OP, but this is not the time to support your DP & not criticise him for being 'downbeat' because he hates his job.

Azandme · 16/06/2025 21:21

AmyJ95 · 16/06/2025 21:02

I am supportive of him changing career but just feel he could make more of an effort to not be so downbeat..

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Wow....

Because you don't like him being down he should make an effort to perk up?

Even though he has told you his job is "soul-destroying"?

Are you always so selfish?

Septembiosis · 16/06/2025 21:25

If there's an option to try something that he might enjoy more, and if you can afford to make the change, it's worth trying. But work will always be work, and some people more naturally 'down' than others. He may never find a job that he truly enjoys doing. That's just reality for most people. Being happy on his weeks off may be a sign that his current job is a poor fit for him, but it could also just be the natural result of having time off.

Bottom line, he's not happy, and if he tries something else, he'll know he gave it a try. You can't tell someone else how they should feel. You'll only make them resent you.

notmyrealnameok · 16/06/2025 21:30

Yeah he needs support not critique. It’s awful being on a job you hate and massively impacts on other areas.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/06/2025 21:35

Well I don't know if I'm honest @AmyJ95 . Is he generally a cheerful chap or is he one if life's drains who doesn't much care for work.

One if my SIL's has had a few jobs, she's turned 60 now. She has complained about every single job. She has complained about her house, her friends, her town and now she doesn't work so she complains about retirement.

Just be careful he isn't the sort of chap who will never be happy ornsee the bright side.

SameDayNewName · 16/06/2025 21:43

I think it really depends.

If he's in a really toxic work place, really high stress, life and death situations all day, with colleagues who are bullies... then it's hard to snap out of that at home time, and he should be looking to get out ASAP.

If it's more the case that he's bored and doesn't feel completed by his work / like it inspires him or makes a difference, then yes, he should try and leave it at the door. We all have stressful or disappointing things that happen in life. Imo, it's one thing to discuss it with your loved ones, but another to bring it all home with you and make it every-one else's problem. I think we all have a duty to those we live with, or spend a lot of time with, not to basically bring them down, unless it really is the exception.

I think too, that if his current job isn't too bad, he might need to limit his expectations for how much retraining will improve his happiness. Not to say that he shouldn't retrain of course. But happiness does really come from within ime - I've known a few people over the years, who think X job, will solve all their life problems. But when they get a new career, it's still got repetitive elements, just different ones. They still have to deal with colleagues, who are still a mixed bag. And the commute is still annoying, even if they now walk rather than get the bus...

JLou08 · 16/06/2025 21:44

I think you must have a very nice easy job if you can't understand how work cam impact on personal life.

steff13 · 16/06/2025 21:48

Do you love your job, AmyJ95?

ChiaraRimini · 16/06/2025 21:50

My exH was like this but the problem was he never actually did anything positive to sort the situation out. It’s soul destroying to live with someone who is stuck in a miserable rut and takes it out on those around them.

That is a very different scenario than someone who is making an active effort to improve his life. The jobs market is tough at the moment but is he actively applying for jobs, networking, looking for sideways moves to a different role maybe? Or just sitting around complaining?

CandyCane457 · 16/06/2025 22:14

Oh wow.

AIBU to tell him that there’s no need for his job to affect his mode outside of work?
God i hope next time I’m down/low/stressed about something, that my partner will just tell me there’s no need for this to affect my “mode.” I’m sure that will really help snap me out of my mood, and be so helpful 🙄

I feel like he should switch off and be grateful…
Gosh I didn’t realise it was so easy to just turn my bad mood around and be grateful for things, I sure hope someone says this to me next time I’m down 🙄

Missj25 · 16/06/2025 22:23

Swampdonkey123 · 16/06/2025 20:55

I think you would be massively unfair to tell him how he should feel and expect him to just suck it up. I'm sure if it was that simple he would just switch off from it. Can you not support him to explore his options for a new career?

Swampdonkey123 says it perfectly 👌

Original poster

AmyJ95 · 16/06/2025 22:51

SameDayNewName · 16/06/2025 21:43

I think it really depends.

If he's in a really toxic work place, really high stress, life and death situations all day, with colleagues who are bullies... then it's hard to snap out of that at home time, and he should be looking to get out ASAP.

If it's more the case that he's bored and doesn't feel completed by his work / like it inspires him or makes a difference, then yes, he should try and leave it at the door. We all have stressful or disappointing things that happen in life. Imo, it's one thing to discuss it with your loved ones, but another to bring it all home with you and make it every-one else's problem. I think we all have a duty to those we live with, or spend a lot of time with, not to basically bring them down, unless it really is the exception.

I think too, that if his current job isn't too bad, he might need to limit his expectations for how much retraining will improve his happiness. Not to say that he shouldn't retrain of course. But happiness does really come from within ime - I've known a few people over the years, who think X job, will solve all their life problems. But when they get a new career, it's still got repetitive elements, just different ones. They still have to deal with colleagues, who are still a mixed bag. And the commute is still annoying, even if they now walk rather than get the bus...

It’s definitely scenario two.

He used to have quite a bit of colleague interaction and really enjoyed the people side of things but this has really diminished post Covid which I know is a factor in his unhappiness.

OP posts:

SameDayNewName · 16/06/2025 23:21

AmyJ95 · 16/06/2025 22:51

It’s definitely scenario two.

He used to have quite a bit of colleague interaction and really enjoyed the people side of things but this has really diminished post Covid which I know is a factor in his unhappiness.

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In which case, then yes, I'd probably expect a bit of complaining every so often, because we're all human after all. But I definitely wouldn't expect to have a permanent cloud over this - totally disproportionate imo! Not sure why you're getting flamed tbh!

Plus, if it's the social aspect he's missing, he could try making friends outside of work or in a different department or something. It's always disappointing when friends move away, but that really is just life. You can't let it throw you into a breakdown.

Is he generally an averagely cheerful person, or a bit of a pessimist?