Is ailing DF planning to move away from his wife 'normal'?

[ThatBreezyRaven]

My DF (73) has been married to my SM for about 20 years. I wouldn't say it's been a particularly happy marriage in the main. They took on legal care of her grandchildren, which on top of her 4 adult children has been a lot for my DF to support. There's some resentment on both sides. She has always had a habit of publically belittling, contradicting and humiliating DF.

They moved to a more rural area about 10 years ago for a larger house and country lifestyle - more her choice than his.

DF was diagnosed with a degenerative disease about 7 or 8 years ago, which is worsening. Sadly, SM's emotional behaviour towards DF is just as bad if not worse - although she supports him fine physically and practically.

The mid-to-long term plan is that he will probably need to go into care. The consensus is that this would be closer to me, so I can visit him more easily - and his sister/nephews/nieces who also still live this way. He has recently been asking me how I plan to be involved in his care in later life, and expressed that he isn't very happy in the country and feels isolated/dependent (he no longer drives). I've said I'll support his care, but have no plan to move to the country so they'd need to move back this way (assuming DF and SM when I said that).

SM wants to stay where she is, as that's where her friends are and her daughter/grandkids are now near there too. I imagine she would visit him, but she doesn't like driving so I don't know how regularly that would be.

In terms of DF's will - he passes his estate to SM and when the trust period is up or she passes away, the estate passes down 50/50 between me and her children.

Is there something I should be doing/saying? I've been concerned for years that she's emotionally abusing him through the belittling/shutting down etc, but he has chosen to stay with her over the years (he's weak with her).

I'm so "inside" this situation that I'd really appreciate any outside thoughts. Is it still really a marriage if DF moves away from SM for the latter stages of his life?

I'd be glad to have him closer so I can visit him and take my kids to see him, but also can't help but feel resentful that he's only considering moving back when his health is failing.

Tough situation.

Would he consider divorcing her now?

@Yasty not a chance, he seems fairly scared of her and has never made a decision of his own.

This is quite sad. Your SM has been happy to have your dad move to live near her family and is now ready to send him back to his family to help him. Is your dad of sound mind? I’d be a bit gutted too, he doesn’t want to spend his time with you when he’s well but does when he’ll need help. Do you have siblings? Are you prepared to take on all of his care? I think a lot is being asked of you, quite unfairly.

It is sad, I feel sad for him and for myself. He isn't of sound mind anymore all the time, but when he is he lucid he has made it clear that he isn't very happy with the way things are. He has always said he wanted to spend time with me and that I should go up more, but unfortunately the logistics made that tricky. I had a big sister but she died in her 20s sadly, I wish she was here to talk this through with. I'm not prepared to take on all his care in my home- I'm not equipped (he has dementia as well as physical illness).

It's not actually that uncommon.

Lots of married people who live each other very much get separated when they go into care. Lots of married people who have resented each other for years quietly and happily go their separate ways in their later years. In a small number of cases there is a full on acrimonious divorce although I believe these are becoming more common!

See how he feels about giving you Lasting Power of Attorney for his finances and his health and welfare decisions so if he is no longer able to make decisions himself that you can make them for him.

That’s tough OP. Are you or your SM his next of kin? One of you needs to liaise with Social Services and see what his options are. Be realistic about what you can do and make it known that you can do no more.
Has he appointed a POA? If he hasn’t already then I think it’s too late now; I’ve been through POA twice and I think (double check as I’m not 100%) that the person has to be of sound mind.

In this case why not get this done sooner rather than later, so that he is away from the nasty bitch for the last portion of his life.

I’m not sure on the will as you mention a trust but also say he passes his estate to SM. Does the trust secure your half even if she tries to change her will after he’s died??

@GuevarasBeret I hear you, but there are lots of considerations - not least, how to fund how/where he will live and be cared for in the short-, medium- and long term.

@FusionChefGeoff I'm hiring a solicitor to help me understand DF's will, as I'm pitifully unknowledgeable with legal terms.