I ruminate endlessly over decisions then immediately regret them once I’ve made them

[ThatNimblePeer]

Does anyone else struggle with this? So sick of it.

I procrastinate about making decisions which makes me extremely stressed, but as soon as I’ve made them I feel awful and can’t stop going over the other option and wondering or worrying whether it would have been better. Knowing that I will feel awful once I’ve made the decision then feeds into me procrastinating over the next one, obviously.

Has anyone managed not to be like this? I’m not a huge believer in therapy tbh so would love solutions that didn’t involve that.

My nephew does this but it’s because his mum (my sil) gave him hours long lectures and beatings when he made the ‘wrong’ decisions as a child. Did something similar happen to you?

I’m sorry about your nephew, that’s awful. I didn’t get hour long lectures and definitely not beatings, have very loving parents, but I did grow up in a house where it was a big deal to make small mistakes, and yes I’m sure that’s had an impact. I think I read in a book about OCD that that can be one of the causes, and it definitely resonated with me.

Having said that, my sibling doesn’t seem to struggle at all, so some of it must be me.

You can CBT the shit out of that. It’s hard work, but once you’ve got the habit it’s really easy very effective - or at least in my experience.

My first hint on how to approach it came from the Anne Of Green Gables books when I was little. There was a very indecisive character who learnt to think “will I be glad I chose this when I’m 80?”
The rather freeing part is realising that when you look back, it won’t have made the slightest bit of difference which choice you made in a heck of a lot of things.

The next was looking at the worst outcome of both choices, then rationally asking myself how likely either of those outcomes truly was.

Then setting a time limit - I can fret about this as long as I like for this next two hours or today or for three days - and then catching myself when I start to ruminate again with “NO! That decision is made. We move on.”
It was hard to make that a habit but once I did, it’s been fantastically useful.

The last was from The Incredibles - the magnificent character based on costume designer Edith Head, calmed Edna Mode. “I never look back, darling. It distracts from The Now.”
It sounds daft but a picture of that on the fridge helped keep me on track while I was working on my indecision.

Well, you should consider therapy. This is no way to live.

The Internet has made this 1000x worse. We have infinite amounts of information literally at our fingertips and it causes chaos

Everything in life has been thrown into ifs, and, buts and maybes because 3 people on social media brought it to our attention.

That looks a really nice hotel, yes but Jane from Derby visited in 2021 and found a stray hair in the cupboard under the sink, so we'll cross that one off the list

Today I couldn’t pick a pair of shorts pyjamas. I’ve been looking since march

I totally understand, it’s exhausting. I have a fear of getting things wrong, not so much for me, but those I care about, and harming. I have self diagnosed mild OCD. I had some counselling, ok. I take medication- massive change. But I try to accept that yes, maybe, this will be the “wrong” choice and that’s actually alright. That most things can be changed. And for me that once the decision is made, the anxiety eases.

For me it’s the pre decision research, procrastination, and it needing to feel right at the right time. So much wasted time. So I really try to accept it might not be the best decision but it is A DECISION.

Like others on here, I’m actually great at researching though! I am envious of people who can “just do it” “just pick the hotel” without hours and hours of comparison, then parking the decision till tomorrow.

@Marmiteontoastgirlie I did go with the more expensive ones in the end, but the additional decision just completely threw me... And that I was expected to make it there and then. Plus the fact that it was only 40% v 50% (as opposed to eg 20% v 80%) so on a micro level my brain objectively felt like the pros were too close. It was only when I zoomed out a bit, I could assess all aspects of the decision.

https://wheelofnames.com/

I've started using this to make decisions for things that don't really matter too much / don't have significant consequences. Just type in your choices, spin the wheel, and go with it! 😁

I’m not a huge believer in therapy tbh so would love solutions that didn’t involve that.

Right then, saves me posting!!

I have ADHD and I just know which I want. I often don't have to think about my choices, I just do them at the time. I've only agonised over one huge choice that I made when very young. I didn't have a crystal ball back then so I didn't know. Other things? I seem to always know what I want. I am very clued up on myself and know what my stresses are and what I enjoy or what I don't.

Does this come into it op? Do you feel you don't know yourself enough? It's interesting you mention you don't trust yourself. My friend is like this and she didn't have a secure upbringing. She's very anxious avoidant attachment style. Never trusts herself to make a decision and asks everyone. I'm the complete opposite. I do deeply think about a lot of things but I'm very sure of the things I like/ don't like and don't want. Does any of this reasonate?

At some level you have to not give yourself the luxury of ruminating. You have to be really strict with “It will be good enough” or “I’ve made the choice I don’t want to keep making it every day”.

Most choices aren’t actually that important. It retrospect, was the worry over last years holiday necessary? Was it ultimately positive or negative? Rumination is not cost free either.

I have just had a very enjoyable 5 minutes setting every segment of the wheel to a term for Takeaway and getting DH to spin and see what we’re having for dinner.

It wasn’t until after it landed on Pizza Delivery that he noticed the other options were Takeaway, Takeout, Deliveroo, Street Food and Just Eat.

Yes, I do this a lot and unfortunately so does DH but not quite as bad as me.

Holidays are the worst but also booking tickets, choosing new furniture, DD’s school - the list goes on.

I have real task paralysis whereby I just procrastinate and procrastinate and live with this low-lying stress that a decision hasn’t been made.

I also definitely struggle with perfection being the enemy of good. If I’m paying for it, it should be perfect, right? Only it probably won’t be - so I won’t buy it.

I do feel for DD having parents like this.

Ah see I have ADHD and get horrendous decision paralysis. It’s very common in ADHDers (and autistics). Choice can be overwhelming. But like you, I know what I like and what I don’t - I am REALLY particular (I would say discerning, others might say difficult 😂). I am not a go with the flow person, if I don’t like something, I usually can’t live with it. I don’t think that’s the only reason for my decision paralysis, but a large part - along with the fact I have virtually no mind’s eye, so when picking out say something for the house I have no idea if it will look good until actually see it in my house. And I suspect that often people would go “oh that’ll do, it looks fine” but I have very strong feelings about how it looks and can’t live with it looking “fine”. It will annoy me every time I look at it.

And this applies to everything I do or buy. Not just aesthetic things. I also get a lot of emotional dysregulation so my moods are up and down and here and here sometimes hourly, so when trying to decide what I want to do on a certain date it even later that day is really difficult as I never know how I am going to feel. Just because i usually like something it even enjoyed doing it yesterday, doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy this afternoon! Makes deciding what to do really hard as if I’m not enjoying it I won’t be able to just make the best of it or go with the flow, the unpleasant feelings will be overwhelming.

Me too. I'm impulsive and indecisive at the same time - thanks ADHD. It's exhausting.

Don’t let perfect get in the way of good enough

Let this become your mantra. You’re striving for perfection when good enough will usually be great and get you what you need. If you learn that a particular decision does not get you what you want then now you have real world experience to make a better decision next time.

nd the last thing that usually freaks people right out and I do use this all the time in a work setting “Not making a decision is deciding to do nothing… that’s okay but know that by delaying this you are actively making the decision to not do X”

I find the last one a little amusing because it usually as. I said freaks people out into making a decision of X or Y.

On a related note good on you for recognizing this and factoring it in to your thought process.

OP I really struggle with this too and I think you’ve had such helpful advice on this thread so far actually! I really relate to everything you’ve said, I absolutely hate buying my own glasses specifically! Something about being put in the spot, having to decide about frame style and colour and then lens type in excruciating details and costs. Even worse when they suddenly hit you out of left field with a new lens or special offer. I’m not surprised you bailed out of that decision temporarily and had to go back! No way I could have made that decision right then and there either, you’re so right if it was 80 percent better compared to 20 percent it’s a container unless money is very tight indeed but 40 percent at significantly cheaper than 50 percent I totally see why you struggled with that!

@SeaShellsSanctuary1 absolutely the internet and the modern age does not help (damn you Jane from Derby if it wasn’t for you I was going to choose that hotel!). It’s the paralysis of too much choice - back in the day when you went to the supermarket for ham and there was just one kind of ham or possibly the standard ham and the really fancy expensive one, it was a lot easier to just buy ham and move on 🤣

And @InattentiveADHD I totally relate to knowing what you want and for things that wouldn’t annoy other people to niggle away at you - I had a deck laid literally like 10 years ago and it still annoys me every time I look at it as they laid it not completely line with the back door, it is slightly off so that it was at right angles at the sides to the fence because apparently the house is very slightly off centre argh! The people who did the decking didn’t even know what I was talking about til I showed them, and my dad was like “you’ll never even notice it!” Argh.

I definitely don’t think I have OCD and had a super happy childhood with secure attachments. I’m definitely a perfectionist and I think that’s part of it for me. I’m also a big of a “glass half empty” natural pessimist. I may have ADHD and am a details-orientated person. And I do have bipolar disorder and it’s definitely worse when I’m low in mood or anxious generally or just under stress. I think it got worse after I ended up in an abusive marriage, before then I think I trusted my own decision-making a lot more but that really shook my confidence in myself and was a genuinely life-destroying decision. But I did make it with the best information and resources I had available at the time so try not to beat myself up about it too much these days.

I agree I think it’s something that gets better the more you practice making a decision and sticking with it and realising that even if you made the “wrong” decision that it’s (usually!) not the end of the world plus you never actually know how a different decision would have worked out. Also telling yourself that there ARE no wrong decisions and you are always making the best decision you are able to make at the time with the resources available to you. Especially when it comes to the small decisions of life that can easily be changed or moved on from if it doesn’t work out perfectly. With these asking yourself what’s the worst that can happen? Can help (ok I don’t like the ham, no big deal, I buy some new ham or eat something else). And valuing your own time and mental energy as a resource and factoring in the genuine downside to overly ruminating over things.

I also have a mantra of “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good enough” similar to what others have mentioned. And that “any decision is better than no decision” and “not making a decision is a decision in itself”.

And I also give myself explicit “permission” to not get caught up in certain concerns which can hold me back from everyday decisions on a recurring basis - I have chosen not to worry overly about saving every penny possible at all times or doing what is environmentally most beneficial or what “should” be the most effective way of doing something eg I run the dishwasher regularly even if not full to keep my house functioning!

I also often bounce things off my mum who is happy to give me her opinion and whose opinion I generally trust (luckily she doesn’t find it annoying). Even if it’s the opposite to mine it can somehow help me suddenly clarify my own opinion at times eg if I am trying to decide between x or y swimsuit for a holiday as I was the other night and my mum says she prefers x I might suddenly realise that I disagree and want to get y 🤣 (though last night my son and husband unhelpful chines in with their also different opinions making it more confusing haha).

And once the decision has been made try REALLY hard not to second guess myself or catch myself stating to do so and remind myself (again) about “I made that decision as best I could at the time and there are no wrong decisions”!

I haven’t had CBT for this decision-making issue in particular but it’s come up over the years in addressing my thinking patterns when depressed.

Weirdly at work I make a billion decisions very quickly every day and don’t often go back over them (I’m a GP). Though I sometimes think that’s half the problem, I am just burned out from making too many decisions at work all the time I have no decision making energy left for my own life?! I do recall finding it very hard when I was first starting out though.

@Ddakji oh my word yes booking tickets I hate it, the thought of deciding which option to choose, having to check web sites, messages popping up saying hurry … only 2 seats at this price, the constant procrastinating till it feels the right time to decide, but then, once done, anxiety eases. And most likely I’ve lost the best prices through dithering. So it litres costs me. Then I berate myself. Exhausting. Deciding on paint colours … did I really need those 20 testers? I think it is perfectionism but also lack of self confidence.

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies. So much I relate to here.

The Jane from Derby thing is spot on as I had literally just come from agonising over an AirBnb that looked good and had mostly positive reviews but one or two negative ones from several years ago that I was obsessing over…

Does anyone mind if I ask a related question - does anyone else struggle with just taking everything really seriously?

Like, with kids people say “pick your battles” but I have no way to know which battles are the ones I should pick.

I can take parenting very seriously and actually had a terrible time when DD was a baby because I read the books and then fretted and fretted when things didn’t go to plan and I thought if they didn’t I’d be setting her up for a lifetime of bad habits or whatever. I’m pretty sure I had undiagnosed PND but because the health visitor said I didn’t from her checklist I just assumed I was a rubbish mum.

Our freezer broke down during covid and there was nothing much available for delivery. I couldn't do my normal exhaustive research so had to buy the only one our local electrical shop had in stock and send DH to collect it. I had never heard of the brand before. It has been excellent, would buy the same again!

I am now having to choose a washer and dryer for our next house and am totally stuck. Like pp I read 1000s of good reviews then just a couple of bad ones put me right off. It doesn't make sense!