Struggling to cope with everything

[Foalypoly]

DH had orthopedic surgery three weeks ago. We have an 11 month old DS, a dog and a cat. I knew his recovery would be tough but I didn’t think I’d find it this tough.

I feel pathetic for struggling as I know there are single parents and parents whose spouse works away and they need to deal with everything on their own.

I’m used to doing 90% of things for DS as I’m still on mat leave plus he’s breastfed so I always done all the night feeds etc. He doesn’t sleep well at all so I’ve had 11 months of sleep deprivation.

Before his surgery DH was good at pulling his weight with the housework. This meant that once baby was in bed I could relax without having to do housework.

Now I’m having to do everything for everyone plus all the housework. We don’t have any help nearby. I need to rely on baby having a decent nap in his cot during the day so that I can prepare dinner and get some chores done but this doesn’t always happen. I then need to do all the housework once baby is in bed and by the time I’m finished I maybe get about 30 mins to relax before having to settle him again.

DS can be very clingy as he’s teething and has been a bit poorly so it’s impossible to complete any tasks while he’s awake. I can usually start something but never get anything finished.

I’m going back to work next week and I have no idea how I’m going to keep on top of the house, get DS organised for nursery, make dinner once I’m home, prepare lunches etc. It’s going to be another 6 weeks at least of DH being out of action.

I feel so selfish for feeling this way but all I can think of is how much I’m struggling and feel sorry for myself that I can’t enjoy my last couple weeks of maternity leave because I am drowning in housework, taking DH to and from medical appointments, trying to keep everyone fed etc.

The only reason I’ve been able to take 10 mins to sit down and type this is because DS is having a quick BF

Stop doing housework and give yourself a break. Do the bare minimum, easy meals, keep on top of washing and the rest can wait you don’t need to live in a show home

Thank you, I wish I was aiming for show home standard but honestly I’m doing the bear minimum as it is and still struggling. Everything takes twice as long when DS is awake (preparing breakfast and lunch then tidying up after meals for example).

I’ve ran the freezer down so need to make some nutritious meals for DS, managed to stick the tv on and make a bolognese that will do a few freezer portions too, but I feel so guilty for plonking an 11 month old in front of the telly for 30 mins.

Please don't feel guilty for your feelings. You are entitled to feel overwhelmed and burned out, no fault to you, your husband or your child. It's just Life.

Is your baby's neck strength enough to consider a carry-on, so that you have your baby on you . . . gives him that sense of closeness . . . but allows you to get some work done at the same time? Often, babies are pacified by this as they feel held, and yet are distracted and interested in the change of perspective they get.

You obviously will be slower at chores, but it's not impossible to get things done, and the mental/visual activity and stimulation will wear your child out too.

I’ve tried him in the carrier a few times but it really kills my back as he’s nearly 11kg! It definitely does help when he’s feeling especially clingy.

thanks for your kind words!

Don’t ever feel guilty. Guilt is toxic and affects your entire family. Youre doing your best and doing brilliantly.

This is a stage - create it as one and stop trying to be perfect.

Prioritise yourself. It is necessary. To hell with the house - you can get it back later.

Invest in pre prepared meals from somewhere like cook for a few nights a week over the 6 weeks.
Definitely lower your standards- they are probably higher than you think
be kind to yourself.

Neither of my babies were clingy so I’m probably talking nonsense but if baby has been fed, changed and played with there’s nothing wrong in taking 10
minutes to finish a chore even if they’re a bit whingey. Maybe play some music and sing along so he had still hear you, put him in a bouncy so he can seee you. Maybe keep chatting to him but do what needs to be done.

You may try a few different kinds of carriers. There are some better equipped for larger, heavier babies. Do you have friends that have some you can borrow and try out? Best of luck. It will eventually get better, but you are living the worst part of it with an injured, recovering husband, a new baby, and everything being on your shoulders at the moment.

The other thing I might ask is whether you have a good friend or family member that could come for a week when you return to work . . . to just help with that transition.

How much housework are you doing exactly? Can you pare it back to the bare minimum?

Any chance you can hire a cleaner to do some of the housework? Just a couple of hours perhaps twice a week.
Second the advice on a few ready meals!
You do not say exactly what DH has had done but are there any little tasks he could do sitting down or even in bed? I’m thinking folding laundry, chopping vegetables, making sandwiches if you fetch everything he needs in one go?

Do you have any friends that could come and occupy your children for a couple of hours whole you tidy and batch cook? Family?

How incapacitated is DH? Like cant do any basic chores mentioned above? Can’t sit with DS while he’s in high chair? How much longer til he’s back on his feet?

Get some ready meals in. For you and for DS. And 30 min tv won’t hurt him. Is he starting nursery next week?

By the sound of things he is in a full body cast layed up in bed unable to move his own head 😂

I'm sure it will be quicker than 6 weeks before he can do simple things like make lunches/ pop the hoover round. Your situation is temporary, just muddle through the best you can.

Do less cleaning.
Buy ready meals.
Everyone will be fine.

Thanks for your support everyone. I had considered a cleaner but unfortunately we just can’t stretch to afford one with me being on zero pay and DH being on SSP. Also I’d feel I need to tidy before the cleaner comes as they could hardly clean a messy kitchen!

I think he could do more even if it was just make himself a cup of tea etc but the problem is he’s on crutches and isn’t to weight bear at all on his left leg. So this means he couldn’t carry any of his drink or food to where he is sitting.

im really hoping it won’t be long until he can at least wash himself, dress himself, prepare his own food and drinks etc as that would be a weight off my shoulders.

I think he could also feed DS his meals while I crack on with tidying up the mess from preparing meals

Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this OP, it can be overwhelming caring for an incapacitated DH as well as your DS. I think there’s definitely scope to get your DH helping a bit more, your example of feeding DS is something he could easily do seated. Also sorting/folding clean laundry, doing an online shop. Every little thing will help. Also, don’t feel bad using the tv as a babysitter for 30mins if you need a break, it sounds like it’s not something you’d do routinely but needs must when normal is out the window!