To feel concerned for my nephew?

[Kate231]

My nephew is 30 this year and hasn't made any kind of life for himself.

I know this may sound harsh of me, but it's true. He's a quiet lad with very little confidence for which I can't help but blame my sister & BIL as they don't seem to encourage him to do anything.

He never went to uni (not a problem in itself) but went straight to work for my BIL's small family run company and the 2 of them work from the home office in the garage. He's on minimum wage. He's never had a girlfriend. He gets all meals cooked for him. All cleaning is done for him. He wakes up, gets dressed, goes to the garage to work, then goes to his room to play PlayStation or watch TV all night. He has a hobby which means at least he socialises once a week, but again this is a hobby in the village he lives in and so sees the same people. He could take this hobby so much further as he's very talented, but doesn't seem to have the confidence to. He doesn't seem to have any friends. He learnt to drive but doesn't drive his car anywhere as he lacks the confidence to.

Would I be unreasonable to have a serious chat with my sister now that's he going to be 30 next month and see what the plan is to actually encourage him to get out and live his life a bit more? He seems to lack more confidence as the years go by, not gain it.

I really don't see him moving out at all in the next decade if things continue. It just seems like such a waste of a life.

Not your business. It is your life. Just because it is not your ideal life it maybe for him. His 30 and you want to talk to his mother. Sorry but you sound like you need to focus on your own life and let him live his the way he wants.

I’d say it’s not your business. Is he happy? Why are you measuring him by your standards? He’s 30 and a fully grown adult. If he wants to change his life he will have to. Live and let live.

He's 30. I find it odd that you want to talk to his mum rather than just ask him yourself if you're that bothered.

He works, he has a car, he has a hobby etc if he's happy then he's happy.

If you're going to have a chat with anyone, surely it should be your nephew? Take him out for a coffee or something.

Yanbu to be concerned, but is your sister the type to respond well to you saying something like that to her? She may get defensive if she feels you're criticising her son and/or parenting. I think you'd be better going directly to your nephew given his age and asking if he'd like to go on an activity with you, like a dog walk or something outdoors where you can easily chat, and then speak to him yourself about life goals etc. He may be very happy with his life as it is. I have a relative who is much older but has lived in a similar way to your nephew his whole life, never moved out or did anything really, but he was very happy and content. Absolutely wouldn't be the life for me and it can be hard not to project what you want onto others, so I think you're best speaking to your nephew first.

Could you maybe be initiate a gentle discussion with him where you invite him first a coffee and catch up, praise him for learning the skills he is learning in his current job and instructor ask him his future plans.

Op you sound extremely judgemental and are likely to be way off the mark blaming your sister and her dh. They’ve given him a good start in life, absolutely not their job to encourage, force, didctate or otherwise what their fully grown adult son does with his career or free time. My dd is 16 and hates people and going out despite every encouragement and opportunity from me, because that’s who she is. I’d probably slap my sister if she came at me with this nasty jusgemental attitude as she’d clearly not have a clue what she was banging on about. I suggest you butt out and concentrate on conditioning your own children to your ideals

It's hard watching for the outside in but honestly unless your sister mentions that she is worried or whatever then I'm afraid you probably can't say or do anything. He is working and socialising it's just that it seems he has a very small social circle for a 30 year old. Some people genuinely quite like that.

If he's 30 rather than 3 then the conversation should be with him.

The fact that you want to concern yourself with what a 30 yr old future holds then the likelihood is that you will end up saying something to offend him and your sister

He’s 30 years old and none of this is any of your business.

Honestly, if one of my aunts had started trying to intervene in my adult life choices, I’d have thought she was insane.

Why are you not contemplating talking to your nephew? Who is, after all, well into adulthood. It sounds like a miserably under-lived life to me, but there are certainly Mners who find never leaving the house and having no friends (because of ‘the drama’) ideal.

He’s 30. That ship has sailed a very long time ago. It does sound like a very sad life that he leads but he’s far too old to say anything.