How do I reconcile with DSis?

[ChocworkOrange]

DSis and I have fallen out, it has been two and a half years. In my view (and the view of DH, mum and friends I've spoken to, and mumsnet previously), she was completely in the wrong. It is clear that she would like to reconcile - by this, she means, we go back to how we were before and carry on. She will not acknowledge she did anything wrong, will not apologise, just thinks everything is my opinion, my perspective, my view and that she has her own (which don't align with reality, or that there's an objectively unacceptable way to treat people).

I love and miss her. Our brothers live abroad, parents are divorced and mum has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I feel as though this needs to be fixed but don't know how to stimulate any change in her. How should I proceed without going back to being treated poorly?

Yes - she definitely thinks she's superior to me.

If I'm fatter than her it's because she's better than me because I don't exercise enough or eat healthily enough. If I'm thinner than her it's because I don't fuel my body properly or check I'm well-nourished. If I save money then I'm not enjoying myself, if I spend it then I'm reckless. If I'm working then I'm either not successful enough or I'm a corporate sell-out... And everything is a moral judgement.

OP, can you try and draw a line under the past ? It will never change.

In the future could you and your husband try saying ‘That’s one point of view’ and move on each time she makes these ridiculous comments. It’ll take some self control on your behalf but once you’ve said it, don’t get into further discussion or challenge it, just repeat, ‘That’s one point of view’ or ‘That’s just your point of view’. She has no come back if she doesn't get challenged.

'Meh, OK, whatever' is quite a good put down too 😉

I couldn't be doing with her at all! You're never going to be friends - I don't think she knows how to be a good friend to anyone. She's judgemental and seems to enjoy making you feel miserable. Given all you've said now I'd just do as you're doing, be polite but cold. Laugh or raise your eyebrows when she comes out with codswallop. You won't change her and she doesn't bring you any kind of happiness. I didn't read the thread about your brother but if he's constantly talking about your weight, you don't need him, either.

What are her personal life and her career like? It sounds as though she puts you down to make herself feel superior.

It's rather creepy and completely inappropriate for her and your brother to be talking about your weight, either to you or your husband. Why on earth do they care? Unless you are dangerously overweight or underweight, why on earth is it any of their business apart from a stick to beat you with.

Do you think that she is actually jealous of you? Anyone who attacks a newly post-partum, breastfeeding mum about their weight is a complete dickhead. That goes for your brother as well.

She's a stay-at-home-mum to her two. Her eldest is about 18months younger than my eldest, her second is about 18 months younger than my second. She married well so doesn't need to work. He works part-time but they're mostly supported by his parents. She finds parenting very hard - once told me she thought it would be easy because I'm doing it... From my (outside) perspective, she makes it hard and wouldn't have time for it to be so hard if she had something else in her life. Regardless, she behaved this way before she had children.

She considers that I'm too mainstream, too vapid, too corporate, too materialistic... Yes, I work hard, earn a decent amount and want to have nice things. She's 9 years older than I am so grew up with two parents in the house - they divorced just before she went to uni, so I barely remember a two-parent household. I remember mum being unable to afford the mortgage, not having anything (including food), working from 13 and getting paid directly to mum... I work hard in a corporate job so I know that, no matter what, my DCs don't grow up with that stress and worry on their shoulders.

It's not the difference of opinion that frustrates me, it's the hypocrisy. I wanted to send DS to a private school and she said that I'm an awful person and that he should go to a state school for better diversity and meeting a better range of people - that it's morally wrong to buy my child an advantage. We ended up moving for other reasons and can't afford private school here are more expensive - but the state schools here are much better, so DS is at a state school. Her DS is at a private school - but it's different, he needs to be at a private school because it's better for him, he gets more individual attention there (as if that's any different from my DS?!). Suddenly, now she's doing it, it's not immoral and it's perfectly diverse and a completely reasonable choice...

It's this way on everything... I'm always preached at but it's one rule for me and a different one for her.

@thepariscrimefiles totally agree. It says a lot about her and your brother -none of it is good it's safe to say

In short l don't see the point. If she's better than you, always right etc then she won't concede any part in it at all. Most likely she will want an apology and change from you, people like this especially hate dissent or challenges. I went NC with a family member a few years ago and haven't looked back. That way their moods, bad manners and self absorption doesn't spill over into my life. This is the woman who issues a list of banned colours for outfits at her wedding, for her guests believe it or not. The flying monkeys don't especially like the NC and l sense they are going to start pushing harder for a reconciliation. But they wouldn't have liked it if l had confronted her either!

I don't have a DSIS, but my good friend does and I've observed her dsis's bullying and cruel behaviour over many years, upsetting friend greatly. I think you have to accept your sister's hypocrisy and unkindness and lying if you want a relationship with her - otherwise, carry on as you are, doing the polite but 'grey rock' treatment at family events. Some people are just horrible and there's no fixing them. I'm sorry for your unhappiness.

I think you can never have the relationship you previously had but maybe you can have another one where you are more aware of your sister’s capacity and treat her accordingly.

Honestly, she is definitely jealous. You are nine years younger than her but had children first and you have a successful career. It's morally wrong if you are considering private school for your children, but not when she sends her son to a private school.

You must be very self-restrained as I wouldn't be able to hold back on her hypocrisy and self righteousness. You say that your love her but, by any normal metric, she is an extremely dislikeable person.

Maybe you could be as faux concerned about her lack of career as she is about your weight.

I haven’t read the whole thread but…

You need to accept she isn’t going to change, isn’t going to apologise.

The ball is in your court if you want to proceed to accept this and have her in your life.

You could set up boundaries, you don’t have to accept her back in your life with daily messages and visiting weekly. You can keep her at arms length.

I had a best friend like this, constantly judgemental and was never in the wrong. We went round in circles for ages, I realised I had to realise she wouldn’t change and it was up to me what to do about it. I did end up dropping her as a friend, I understand a sister is different to a friend.

You both sound hard work if I am honest.
You clearly don't like each other so stop trying to have a relationship with her.

To be honest, I don't know why you want a closer relationship with her. You are civil to her, treat her as though she's a friend of your Mums. That sounds perfect. Why would you open yourself to any more of her judgement? (and that is what she's going to continue to do).

Why don't you think she has a personality disorder? She sounds autistic to me, with absolutely zero self awareness. It doesn't excuse how she acts, but that's what I would say.

She sounds insufferable. Seemingly one rule for her and then another for everyone else.

"I love and miss her."
Why? She sounds like a complete shit to me! Seriously.

"It is clear that she would like to reconcile"
Yes, because she's missing her punchbag. Without you to verbally disrespect, she's losing her certainty that she is a Superior Being.

There is no 'reconciliation' possible. The only change that can occur is that you allow her to treat you poorly, and obviously that is a very bad idea so I'd put it right out of your head.

I'm guessing the only real reason you are considering this disastrous course of action is as some sort of gift to your mother. Have you considered it could be a worry to your mother, seeing you open yourself up to your abusive sister?

Just don't. No good can come from it.

Fuck that shit!! There’d be no going back for me!

You both sound very petty.

It sounds like you don’t want a good relationship with her. You sound like you want a good relationship with the person you wished she was. She isn’t that person.

You said you have moved on and you want to reconcile, but you haven’t really. You still require her to acknowledge that she was wrong and change. Which possibly she should do, but she isn’t going to do.

Either you can make peace with the fact your sister is a bit of a dick, but blood is thicker than water and you want her in your life. Or you carry on as things are.

You aren’t going to change her.

I don’t understand why your brother said they talk about your weight all the time?

Are you very overweight, very underweight or do you have an eating disorder?

The reason I ask is that you are very upset by your sister’s behaviour to you, and it does sound unreasonable behaviour.

But what I can’t understand is the bit about your brother and your husband discussing your weight.

I honestly don’t see the point in reconciling, you’re just a prop for her superiority complex. Why put yourself through that again?

I think my weight has always been an issue for them. Both of them are very thin - my brother spends his life in the gym trying not to be so thin. I'm less thin - so is my other brother.

It has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I was always a healthy weight child but I remember my sister doing "fitness days" when she'd look after me in school holidays. I was 48kg when I was 17/18 and that's when it was a big issue and my brother (who was a personal trainer at the time, but living abroad) put together a meal plan and workout plan for me. I got bigger as an adult - topped out around 70kg. I was actually really unwell during my pregnancies with HG so weighed the same amount at 9 months pregnant as I did at conception. The conversation was about 8 weeks pp, and I was probably about 65kg at that point.

DH says they sat down and wanted to know what our plan was, what he was doing about it, what I was eating, how I was exercising, timescales, etc. He politely said it wasn't their business and came back upstairs and told me.

"I think my weight has always been an issue for them. Both of them are very thin - my brother spends his life in the gym trying not to be so thin. I'm less thin - so is my other brother."
Your siblings are deeply dysfunctional.

There's a huge amount of family dysfunction here. Why on earth are your siblings so focussed on weight?

Your sister sounds awful and I don't see how you can reconcile with her without putting your own mental health at risk. She sounds like she has very low self esteem and puts you down to compensate. You can't be around that.

Just leave it
Just because your related to people dosent mean.youll get on.
Find some friends instead.
Friends are the family you choose for yourself.