Those living in towns and cities, can you really be anonymous?

[Slatterndisgrace]

It’s something I’ve been contemplating a lot recently. I’ve always lived in the countryside, in villages and I wished I’d made other choices.

I think I’ve had the small town blues for a long time and it’s getting me down. So, for those living in towns or cities, do you enjoy the anonymity of them?

What is it specifically you’re looking to get away from?

I’m in London and wouldn’t exactly say I “enjoy” being anonymous, in the sense that whilst I don’t constantly bump into people I know everywhere I go, I am active in my local community so I do see people locally, people know who I am at the local pub, through the local museum and the conservation group I volunteer at, I know most people in our street etc - and I really like that. If you have children then to some extent wherever you live you’ll be known in the school communities. Unless you don’t interact, you’ll never be completely anonymous.

I grew up in the same small city that my mum and her mum grew up in; so there was absolutely an element there of them bumping into people they’d known all their lives and information being shared about and via all the people they knew that way. My mum will still tell all and sundry about me and my life and how I’m getting on when she sees them - but I’m doing immensely well and she’s very proud, so it’s all good stuff.

I don't think it's possible to be truly anonymous anywhere anymore, but it is better to be somewhere where not everyone talks about your business too.

I felt anonymous in Manchester but in Liverpool every bastard knows each over. So it must depend on size.

See I lived in. London for a while and actively dislike no bumping into people I knew randomly

Depends how much you keep yourself to yourself. I live in a village and people are friendly/nosey, I keep myself in a comfortable bubble and feel anonymous somewhat.

Thanks for the replies. There’s been such an intrusion into my life and it’s really, really got to me. I’m so pissed off! I don’t gossip, I’m mindful of other people’s space but it seems no one else is. I truly wish I’d moved away from villages now. Without going into detail, it’s not possible for me to move again so I’m just going to have to suck it up. Regrets!!

I lived in London (for 20 years) and I now live in a small Devon town. I find big cities lonely and its quite easy to be anonymous. People don't want to stop and chat, its much harder to make friends. You can easily go around all day and not bump into anyone you know. A small town or village is the complete opposite and I much prefer the community spirit of where I live.

Maybe if its possible relocate to a big city so that you can have the experience of city life but with the option to return if its not for you.

I live in Glasgow. I’ve only bumped into a few people over the years but generally can go out and not know anyone.

I must know more people than you, as I have bumped into people I know from growing up in Ireland, in London, Amsterdam and a few other cities! Ha! Ha! I just can't escape! 😆

I've always lived in London and the anonymity factor depends entirely upon your involvement event in your area.

I moved to a new area when I left home and knew absolutely noone locally for years. Which was fine as I had social connections in the areas where I worked.

Once I had kids, I knew loads of people through them and would often bump into friends' parents etc when I went to the shops.

Now my kids are adults and I work miles away, I can go for days without seeing anyone I know at home.

It’s the judgement too. Small minded people.

Yeah, it’s not been a good time.

Even living in a megalopolis, I know my neighbors and the local shop and store owners. I run into people at the eyeglass place or the pizza joint or the gym or the drugstore. I see people I know from my stop on the subway. I've bumped into co workers and people I know from the US in France and Germany.

I think true anonymity is impossible.

I really struggle with small town thinking and judging too.

It sounds as if a move somewhere bigger is definitely worth a trial, OP.

Do you have children / are they quite young? Once you’re no longer involved in school runs and your children are at secondary school and you don’t really know their friends and their friends’ parents, you may find it becomes a lot less intense as there isn’t that level of connection and inter-interest, nor the parental competitiveness and judgment.

Do you work in the local area, or outside it? Living and working right in the heart of the community can be tough.

I think you’re more anonymous in a city than the country - I live rurally and everyone knows each other.

Thanks for understanding Creme.

I used to live in West London, in a lovely place with a little high street. Such a sense of community with the pubs, cafes, parks etc. Everyone knew everyone. Which was good, until you didn’t want everyone at the pub gossiping about your business. I’d walk the little Main Street and always bump into someone to say hi to, I could pop into the pub and there would be come one I knew to chat with.

I now live in a smallish town in the midlands. Been here 5 years and god, it’s hard. I would say that yes, I am totally anonymous here, no one seems to leave here, so if you didn’t go to school with someone, or you aren’t family, or don’t know their nan or cousin, no bugger is interested.

I did once live in a small village in Norfolk for a few years. That was hell on earth. It was all pitchforks at dawn. Just awful.

Children up and making their own way. It feels as if people have no imagination and spend their time snooping and prying. It’s so bloody intrusive.

There’s no real solution to this and I know it’s unreasonable to post…..just having a moan.

so if you didn’t go to school with someone, or you aren’t family, or don’t know their nan or cousin, no bugger is interested.

I spent a few years in a tiny Scottish village just outside a small market town and found much the same: people knew who I was because obviously they knew me; but because they weren’t invested in me, there was no juicy gossip to spread about me, or information to reel back to their mum or their best mates because we all knew each other from school, and nobody gave a shit.

I don't think you can tar all villages with the same brush. Same goes for cities and towns. It completely depends on who you are as a person, the people living around you, whereabouts you are....

Me and DH live in a small village and absolutely love it. We're not "anonymous" but it isn't the type of place where people stick their nose into others business.

We get on well with our neighbours, local shopkeepers, landlords etc but the most conversation we have is small talk and friendly chit chat. None of them would have a clue about our personal life and vice versa which is how we like it.

I’ve also discovered that about Liverpool. I live in Nottingham and no one really talks to you. I’m Liverpool everyone does!

Not unreasonable to post or moan - it sounds stifling. If there’s genuinely no way you can move, then focus on building more friendships in the wider area - and get out of the village as much as possible!

Yes I feel absolutely stifled, and trapped. Thanks Comtesse.

I lived in London for 2 years, I never knew any of my neighbours, not even those next door. I didn't even know what they looked like. I didn't know anyone in the block of flats I lived in and I didn't know anyone in the area. To me it was so horrible, no one said hi, no one commented on the weather and no one would have noticed if I'd died in there.

It is absolutely possible to be anonymous in a city. After three years living in my flat in London, I knew the name of only one of my neighbours.

I hated it. London was the loneliest and most unfriendly place I have lived. I knew more people after 6 months in Barcelona and I barely spoke the language. So be careful what you wish for.

Now back to living in a small village and I know most of the inhabitants to say hello to.