Who is wrong

[Newlysinglemumma]

So some of you may have seen my post last week about my children’s dad leaving. So he is in a new relationship he says it’s been for a few months and he moved into his own flat last week but apparently once her contract is up on her current place she will be moving in with him but she stays all the time and all her things are there. Now I have said I don’t want our children to meet her. Our youngest is 4 5 end on July and he is so confused at the moment asking me when is daddy coming home. Our eldest is 8 and he has been assessed for autism ADHD didn’t get a diagnosis from either but we have been told he suffers with his emotions and has had input from CAHMS because he has said in the past he wishes he was dead and the primary mental health team who suggested him having therapy. There dad works 6/7 days a week 8:30-6pm and he goes boxing and gym most days/nights and goes on nights out weekends away, so when they see him it’s literally only for a couple hours every other day (his choice). I work nights I have done for the last 5 years I’m currently off work at minute due to all the stress but planning on going back soon. Now I have asked him to have the boys at my house when I work I only work 2 nights a week. He is refusing to do so, he says he will have the boys at his place but that means he will have to let them meet her because she will be there or he will have them at a hotel. I am so upset and frustrated because he is just not thinking of our children in my opinion. My 8 year old have told both of us that he really doesn’t want to stay anywhere else but his own home. I no eventually if it works out my children will probably have to meet her but 1 they are not ready there life is so confusing at the moment because there dad just upped and left and 2 they have only been together for a few months so say. So am I being unreasonable for not letting them meet her so he can have them at his or is he?

Urgh well he is an ass but you know that

Ultimately you cant make him do anything about his gf. You can ask and make requests but he will do what he wants to do.

You need to work, I would just accept the gf will be there and try to support the kids the best you can

I should add

my parents have said they are happy to have my children when I work but I hate asking for help they both work I just hate disturbing other peoples life’s

It sounds like either he needs to learn how to respect the kids needs or you need to find alternative help. Unfortunately he sounds like he has no regard for the kids and there’s little you can do about that. Do you have a parent or other close relative that could help?

Cross post. I would suggest you speak to your parents as it sounds like that is the best option for your children who need to be top priority atm.

Yes I should of added to it my parents have said they will help but I just feel like he should be putting his children first and thinking of them
and wanting to help

I mean your not wrong but their just as much his kids to so you can't stop him unless you want to risk him dragging you through the court and getting 50/50

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s a lot of change for your little ones and as a mum you of course feel protective.

However, in the eyes of the courts, you don’t get to dictate the who/what/where of dad’s time with the children. So if you kick up too much of a fuss and he decides to take it to the courts, I don’t think it would go in your favour anyway.

My advice would be to write up a proper parental agreement detailing how many hours a week each parent has the children, how you’ll keep in contact with the children while they are with the other parent. Your expectations for the amount of contact e.g. ringing to say goodnight for 5 mins. How you split things like the cost of clothes etc, child maintenance. Have everything in writing.

He wouldn’t go through the courts because it would mean he would have to change his life and he will not make changes to his life. He is happy to see the boys for a hour or 2 every other day and happy for my family to have them when I work.

He won't help you the way you want him to.

You ask your parents then.

He's a dickhead.

You don't think he would do it just to piss you off if you push to hard

Sadly you can't bar him from introducing his GF on his days. You can say you don't want her to meet them but if they really are practically living together it will have to happen eventually.

If your parents can do those two nights then it will postpone the kids meeting this gf, but not permanently prevent it. So ask them. Hopefully they'll do it.

Allow your parents to help you , you need their help

he is being a massive knob and if she had a shred of decency she would oblige and make herself scarce for his contact time

why are some ex h such inconsiderate dicks to the mother of their children and prioritise themselves over their kids needs
I genuinely despair

I think for now, you should ask your parents to help with the childcare whilst you work. You said they are happy to do so - so this would be a better option.

I agree you can’t stop him introducing to his girlfriend… unfortunately some people put their kids last and their new girlfriend priority… he should wait a few more months before introducing.

You can’t make him be a good dad (he doesn’t sound like one), so I’d say you’re going to have to take your parents up on their offer.

You might not be eligible for legal aid but your children would be entitled to it. The courts will be interested in your children having contact with their father but would listen to issues that make it difficult. I would certainly look at this route in your circumstances.

If she’s that into him she’s willing to be with a man who cheats on his wife and has two young sons, I would imagine she’s absolutely going to be at his beck and call and will do anything for him. This means she’ll (likely) go all in trying to be a good step mum and making them like her. If I were you id be a furious wreck and would be looking for vengeance make the most of this - take the good where you can. So don’t look for trouble where it doesn’t exist, focus on the trouble you have in front of you. Meet her and see what she’s like, if she turns out to be a dick then say no.

Same with your parents. They’ve offered to help so let them. Don’t seek problems out, like not wanting to burden them etc, when that isn’t currently an issue. If they say it’s too much in a few months time deal with that then.