Handhold and advice wanted: worried about DS

[Tuuuna]

Details changed as outing

So DS will be 4 in August. For years he did a mix of Nursery and babysitter. I took him out of his Nursery a few weeks ago as he was unhappy as his nursery has gone dramatically downhill (the setting were inadequately supervising and thus losing children, giving the wrong kids medication, giving kids foods they were allergic to ..etc). They are due an Ofsted inspection imminently and will probably get inadequate at this rate.

DS adored his babysitter, and was with her full time once he left Nursery. The babysitter often had her nephews (they are mid to late primary age) round when she babysat DS. DS came home a week ago saying he didn't like the nephews telling him to take his pants off and touching his willy, so naturally he stopped going to babysitter straight away.

I work full time, and didn't have the capacity to take time off, so poor DS got sent off to holiday club for a week while I scrabbled around trying to find alternative childcare for him.

I found him a replacement childcare setting for the summer, but he's off to primary school in September. His primary school don't have a Nursery (otherwise I would have just sent him there), so the end result is that he will have moved 5 times in a matter of months by the time he starts Reception (stopped Nursery, stopped babysitter, gone to holiday club, gone to new nursery, then reception).

As you can imagine, poor DS is now quite unsettled. He talks about missing his friends and his babysitter, is not sleeping or eating as well as he used to, and generally seems a bit anxious. This is a real change for him, as he is usually a very confident and outgoing little boy. I would welcome any advice on how to support him. This has all been a horrible shock

All the children in his class will have just experienced a big move, so he won't be the only one.

Try reading books about starting school, talk about what his routine will be once school starts. See if you can take him for a tour soon, and make sure you make use of any visit or settling in days they offer. You could also reach out to the school and let them know he's been quite unsettled due to all of these recent moves, and see if they offer anything additional to get him settled - more settling in days, extra visits, teacher visiting you at home. You could also see if they'd be happy to share your details with some of the other parents, so you could arrange playdates with his new classmates before term starts in September, so he has chance to make friends beforehand.

I'd also buy his uniform and let him wear it at home to get used to it, and practice things like taking his jumper off, putting his own shoes on, zipping up his coat etc. For the more practical stuff. Also recognising his name, using cutlery/ containers that'd be in his packed lunch, washing his hands properly, and holding a pencil would be good skills to practice.

Also, speak to a professional about this;
"DS came home a week ago saying he didn't like the nephews telling him to take his pants off and touching his willy, so naturally he stopped going to babysitter straight away."
And report to SS, or anyone you know involved in safeguarding!

I would focus on the fact that a week ago your DS told you he had been sexually assaulted by two older boys, since you say the sitter often had the nephews round, how long had that been going on for before he felt able to tell you ? Your little boy must have felt very intimidated, frightened, humiliated and trapped in the situation. This is much more likely to be the reason behind his current distress and unsettledness. Get him some professional help and report the situation to SS as the older boys may also be being exposed to something harmful.

He was sexually assaulted it tends to trigger anxiety speak to gp - seek play therapy or he’ll bury it and it will affect him when older

Sorry reading back that sounds a bit brusquer than I meant it to. Obviously I'm very sorry your little one is struggling and it must be very hard and distressing for you. I hope you can get the help you need, but honestly I would seek professional help asap so your DS can feel more at ease once he starts reception.

Is the babysitter registered?
In any event I would contact the police about the sexual assault.

Is this babysitter a professional childminder or a friend/family member? Regardless needs reporting, those nephews are likely at risk from an adult. NSPCC advice should help you OP.

You seem to have skirted around the inappropriate touching rather quickly 😬

Other than that. The best way to support him is to allow his unsettled feelings. Whats happened to him is unsettling. Make sure you spend time talking with him about how he feels about all the change. Allow it. Don't try to make it better, sit with him while he processes it. But take the attitude that its been a difficult time, and he cam handle it. He needs to feel seen, validated, cared for, and capable of getting through it.

Your son has been sexually assaulted, why aren't you focusing on that rather than worrying about how many times he's been moved? You should report the issue with babysitters nephews and get your son professional support asap.

AIBU to be really shocked here? OP you seem to be glossing over an accusation of SA, here; lamenting the loss of a babysitter rather than focusing on the fact she failed your DS frighteningly. I assume the older boys wouldn’t have behaved this way if she was in earshot, so where was she when this was going on? And, if she is registered (as I assume) and has other clients, how often is this going on with other children?

you need to be asking these questions and reporting to the proper authorities, in my opinion - urgently.

your son will be fine in a while with support cuddles reassurance , can you pay for private play therapy ?

can you get signed off sick for a bit to give you time and space to support him ?

you need to report the sex assault as the nephews may be sexually abused themselves , hopefully not , but you cannot know this information and do nothing sorry it’s a grim stressful task but you simply have to

Seconded about the shock of this information your DS shared. I would suggest you urgently seek some professional support as you don't know the extent of this abuse and get advice on how to handle. This may be rhe cause of his current state.

Whoa! Rewind. The most pressing issue here is what the little boy described going on with the babysitters nephews! I’d be putting my efforts into getting to the bottom of what’s going on there

Please tell me you went straight to councils social services/safeguarding and reported your concerns of sexual abuse

Your son may ahve been sexually abused?

DS was happy to move from Nursery to spending more time at babysitter's, he really perked up about not having to go to Nursery anymore, and was glad to have left. The babysitter has her nephews on the days that DS used to go to Nursery, so he was around them for a couple of days before he told me about them touching him like that. I got professional advice at the time but was told that, given that the nephews are 6 and 8, nothing will be done. The babysitter was a friend who babysat him as a favour, so she doesn't care for other children around her nephews, it was just DS.

When DS brought up happened with the boys, he didn't seem particularly phased, just slightly annoyed, in the way he would be annoyed about minor things like someone snatching his toy, or not getting to go to the park because it's raining. He doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what happened or what it means. I told him they shouldn't have done that, and that nobody should be touching his privates, and reassured him that it was the right thing to tell me and that I would make arrangements so it didn't happen again. He then seemed satisfied and changed the subject. He hasn't said anything about the boys since then, just that he misses his babysitter. I will listen to him if he brings it up again, but he hasn't really said anything about it since, and seems far more distressed about all the moves and missing his friends.

the move from Nursery to babysitter= he was happy. Babysitter to holiday club= he was happy. Holiday club to new childcare setting= he is now very anxious. He says he doesn't want to do anymore moving, he wants to stay at new childcare and not go to big school, and he misses his friends from Nursery and his babysitter. He talks about this a lot.

Did you speak to the babysitter about this? What was her response.

Can you share who you got the professional advice from? I would speak to someone else - this is a safeguarding concern for your son and also for those boys who may be experiencing abuse of some type. The typical professional response would be to look into this properly and find out what happened, with a few to making sure that all the children involved are okay.

Re: the changes and transitions it’s not ideal but as others have said lots of children find this a big move and his new school should be able to settle him in. It won’t be overnight and he may still talk about missing his friends for many months.

Are there any friends from his nursery that you can keep in touch with? It might be a bit strange for him if those children have now completely disappeared from his life.

If you can’t keep in touch I would let him talk about missing people etc and keep telling him the story of what happened so he can process it. “Your nursery weren’t able to look after you anymore so we tried your babysitter. We had to change from that plan and found somewhere for a week and now you’re in a new place where you’ll stay until school starts” with whatever else you want to include. You’ll possibly have to repeat this many times. Some kids would like an actual story, with photos, to help telling that story but if that’s not possible just telling him with words will help.

@EmeraldShamrock000 the babysitter had always adored DS, and was delighted to have him the extra days when he left nursery. However she did a complete 180 when I talked to her about what DS had said. She said DS must be confused/making things up and her nephews would never do anything like that. From what DS said, the boys touched him when the babysitter was on the loo, and when he was in the sitting room with them while she made lunch in the kitchen, so I get the impression that they were stealthy about it. At the end of the day these boys are her nephews, whereas DS is only the son of an (ex) friend, so I think she's just in complete denial. Obviously I haven't told DS any of that, but that's the reason why DS doesn't see her anymore.

I spoke to SS but their view was, given the age of the boys, they weren't going to do anything with regards to DS. I don't know if they will do anything about the boys, and I doubt I have the right to know given GDPR

Ah okay that’s reassuring that you spoke to SS. Thanks for sharing in more detail about this.

What an upsetting few months for you all also, I completely understand why you’re worried for your son and you’ve been badly let down by your childcare providers. Will any children at his new setting be going to school with him? That may help as well, and hopefully the new setting can also help prepare him.

So sorry OP, what a bloody awful time you and your little one have had 😢 I would concentrate on preparing him for school, reading books and talking about all the fun he will have and new friends he will make. Reassure him that the new childcare is only for a few weeks in the summer and then he will be starting school. It's really unfortunate that he has had so much disruption but realistically there really wasn't anything else you could have done. I would make allowances for the fact that he is feeling unsettled and give him lots of extra treats and cuddles and overlook any whiny or low level irritability and bad behaviour. It's to be expected.

I would also have a word with his new teacher in September and explain that he's had a lot of disruption so that she's aware and can keep an eye and help him settle in.

it sounds like you have had a run of bad luck. I think you did the right thing re the nursery and sitter so you can reassure yourself of that. Its normal to experience anxiety with change and I know you probably feel awful for him but there was nothing better you could have done.

You are getting some good advice here, but just have lots of patience and he will be fine. Many kids go through major changes at that age, I work with this age group and see many move houses or to a different area before they start school. I've also met many children just arrived from another country. They find their own way of coping, they just need lots of reassurance and love.