Asking for some MN solidarity to LTB

[Toolatefrozensolid]

Name changed as afraid of being found out but desperately looking for some kind of step by step hand holding guidance of how to actually leave. I won’t go into the awfulness but in summary I’ve wanted to be apart for a long time and never felt brave enough to tackle the upheaval. I feel in the headspace to finally take action but so confused in how to achieve progress.

Situation is we live together in jointly owned house, and I’m quite sure he won’t leave. He will tell me if I’m unhappy to go. Obviously I’m not just going to go and leave my kids but the end result I want is to be in separate accommodation as soon as fucking possible. I have somewhere I could stay locally (family friend’s rental) but it’s not going to be appealing for the kids to come with me. They are teen/preteen and happy here, they have friends on the doorstep. 100% the best thing for them would be to stay put until the adults work out the logistics. Anyway it’s a moot point there’s no way he’d let me take them. I imagine he’ll say he’s primary carer (he’s not but he is delusional). Everyone will believe him.

I was thinking of asking him if he would consider doing the nesting setup- just short term- where we would take it in turns to stay at the other place. I feel like this would resolve 90% of the immediate problem of us not getting on and the kids witnessing the tension and disagreements. The problem is im pretty sure he will say no to this as well. He’s an angry defensive twisted rubber band ready to spring. If he says no what’s my next move? This is a conversation I’ve rehearsed so many times but I know in the moment I will get upset, he’s so overbearing and will tie me up
In verbal knots.

I can say I will do it anyway- and I’ll go for half the week - but then it looks like I’m abandoning the kids and home surely while he holds everything down perfectly (he will). And then it will be just as awful when I return. I don’t think I can do this.

We are already separated within the same house in my opinion as in separate rooms, don’t spend any time together. So I suppose I could make that official - how much worse can it get- is it enough to state I consider us separated?

I know I need legal advice but I’m absolutely shitting it trying to google for options, I feel like all our tech is way too interlinked eg stupid things like whatever podcast I’m listening to will flash up on the car display and I’ll get a ‘look’ - I’m a bag of nerves trying to make sure my search history is safe- I feel like this is why I need to just tell him and then I’m not doing it behind his back but then I’ve been in this place so many times before and just bottle it and can’t face the conversation. Just writing this and intending to post it is making me feel genuinely sick. Do I need to get used to this feeling with each act, sit with it, and do it anyway?

I have promised myself I must act but just feel overwhelmed and stuck.

We both wfh with no option to go anywhere else so there is an element of being trapped - not free to arrange phone calls unless it can be a certain time where I could go out - I don’t know if these things are just excuses and I need to find some backbone to just get on with it. I’m currently fired up by various things that have happened over the weekend but this is a pattern where I normally find solace in the routine of the working week and calm down and can’t then find the necessary mental energy to push through and ACT.

First of all, well done you for making the brave decision to split - it's not an easy one but keep your eyes on the prize - freedom, peace and safety at the end of it.

Don't leave without the children, however tempting it is to get away from him. You would be playing right into his hands and give him ammunition to paint you as abandoning your children. You don't want that.

Given what you've said about him, you can bank on him being unreasonable and obstructive and plan accordingly. He won't agree to stay away half the week and will try and make things as difficult as possible.

Firstly, you need legal advice. Can you use a friend's or family member's phone to make the initial appointment? Or buy a cheap burner phone to use? Once you've spoken to a solicitor, depending on the advice, you might be able to get a legal separation sorted or you may want to go ahead with divorce proceedings straight away (presuming you're married) Either way it's looking like you will either have to sell the house and each take a split or he can buy you out or you can buy him out, depending on finances. You can get support from Citizen's Advice about housing following the split if you need it.

Resign yourself to the fact that you will probably have to both live in the house until it's sold. It's shit but you just need to get through it. The only caveat to this is if he's abusive or threatens you, in which case you call the police and they can remove him and you can get a non-molestation order to keep him away from you.

I know you're worried about the effect all this will have on your kids. Bear in mind that they are already living with the tension in the household and they will be much better off with a happy mum and a safe calm home at the end of all this. Try your best to stay calm when you have to deal with him. As tempting as it is to let him know exactly what you think of him, you don't want him to be able to say you're emotionally unstable/crazy/unreasonable.

Finally, you are going to need some support and help in real life - please tell your friends and family and lean on them for support. Good luck OP and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel - you will get there 💐

Situation different (I'm the man, 2/3 kids had already left home) but it was me that called time on a failing relationship.
I don't know how to advise on your particular situation, but just wanted to wish you strength in taking things forward. It's a massive step and frightening, and tbh I struggled for a while after, but I now am confident in the knowledge that it was right thing to do; she would agree with me, and our kids definitely do. We're all a lot happier now. Wishing you all the best 👍🙂