Feeling let down by friends

[Teaandtwobiscuits]

I’m going through a rubbish time at the moment.

Partner has ended our 5 year relationship and I’ve had some awful family news.

I literally feel like all the friends that I’ve supported through tough times in the past have gone awol, they’ve sent the odd minimal effort text saying words along the lines of “hope you’re ok hun, thinking of you”, but there’s been no other effort, no offering to spend time with me while I feel incredibly low and lonely at the moment. Not that I expect their lives to go on hold for me, but even a call or meeting for a coffee or walk would be appreciated.

I’ve gone out of my way to support friends during difficult period of their lives, one friend in particular leaned on me a lot when she she lost a family member, I regularly visited, had her stay over at my house, had regular long phone calls when she was having a bad day, babysat her children to give her a break.

I feel really let down and like I have no one, I only have a small family, who don’t live locally and are not the most emotionally supportive people anyway.

To top it off, one friend who knows what I’m going through and hasn’t bothered to see me asked me to babysit for her on Friday night, I ended up saying yes because I thought it would be company for my child, but I felt really hurt, if anything I could’ve done with the break or her finding an alternative babysitter so that her and I could’ve gone out for dinner together.

I honestly feel like dropping the lot of them (I actually feel like telling them to fuck right off, but that’s not my style!).

I’d love to make new friends, but that’s easier said than done when you’re a single parent working full time and I live in an area where friendship circles are already formed. I used to live in a city and it was much easier to make new friends then as there was a higher proportion of people new to the area who were also looking to meet acquaintances/ friends.

i suppose my AIBU is

YABU - people have busy lives and my friends probably don’t mean to be thoughtless

YANBU - ditch these ‘friends’

Have you contacted them to suggest anything?

I think that's utterly awful Op

I have been there

One particular friend who was absent only to ask for childcare
Pick ups etc

Say nothing and stay strong

When they have bad times know who to stay away from

Sending you good wishes and hope things get better xxxx

This ^ I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve realised some people don’t like to ask and would rather you out right say what you need. Could you message them in a group chat (if they all know each other) or individually to say that you’re struggling right now and could use the support and company.

THEN if they are crappy, drop them

Have you actually said to anyone that you'd like to get out and do something, or meet up for a brew or whatever?

I'm going through a lot at the moment which I'm mostly keeping to myself and getting on with but I don't have any emotional capacity or really inclination to be someone's support just now.

From your post it does seem that you are the strong friend. They turned to you but felt comfortable asking you for your help.

Now it is time for you to ask. They may not realise how much you are struggling if you haven't told them especially if you are the one usually with the shoulder to cry on and good advice.

Also it’s really hard… but try not to be a yes man to people that don’t do things for you. If your friend knows exactly what you’re going through and knows you need a break but hasn’t reached out and expects you to babysit I would probably say something like “Sorry, I can’t at the moment. As you know I’m struggling right now with the breakup. I could use a night out actually”

I think you need to message your friends and let them know how you’re feeling and that you could do with some company at the moment. If I’m sad I hide away from the world and withdraw from people so we are complete opposites. You need to be honest with them because you’re creating rules for them and then getting angry they’re not following the unsaid rules.

People justify it to themselves in all sorts of ways. One friend of mine who pretty well ignored me in a similar situation to yours told me years later that she (and another close friend of mine) thought it best to 'give me a bit of space and time to myself '. She has now apologised many times for that as life events have happened to her and she now understands more. So I know a little of how you feel now, and sending my very best wishes. Don't let this make you bitter, that's my best advice.

Your real friends are the ones who are there at the difficult times but I do believe we also need to be mindful of not putting too much on them. I get that your supported them but it doesn't mean they're able to support you in the same way right now. You don't know what's going on with them. No one outside my very close circle would know it but I'm having real work issues that are sapping my energy and if someone wanted a chat in the evening more than one once fortnight I'd find that difficult to fit in.

My advice is to suggest something to them. Think of something you'd like to do and suggest it to them. If they still aren't interested then you may want to rethink the friendship.

Have you told your friends what you need from them?

I think my friends do see me as the ‘strong’ one as I try to deal with things myself, I tend to put on a brave face, but this time I’m really struggling to be the strong one, even though I’m trying my best for my DC.

I haven’t outright asked for support, but when i’ve received texts asking how I am I’ve replied saying that I’m struggling or that I’m not doing great etc, if that’s not enough for them to offer to spend time with me, then that says a lot and I’d rather not have to outright ask them.

I’ve reflected on all my relationships this weekend (both friends and family) and I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to, no one that I can rely on to have my back. I’ve realised that the friend I’m closest to only bothers to spend time with me if it benefits her in some way, that was quite a sad realisation.

I think you may well be right but I would still give these friends the benefit of the doubt.

Even though you have said you are struggling which is great, maybe they still think oh she wants to be left alone to lick her wounds sort of thing.

If you said, I am struggling and would love to meet up for a walk and coffee, when are you free? Then they would know exactly how you feel and what would help.

Some people want to be left alone in hard times and some crave company - so it may be hard to them to gauge which would be best for you. Yes they could have tried harder, I grant you, but give them another chance before making yourself even more isolated.

I think you need to propose meeting up. Why would you not suggest something but then complain that it's not happening?

You can absolutely do what you want. I understand you are hurt that they haven’t offered to meet you.

I personally wouldn’t throw away all your friendships over this. You are the strong one, you’re always there for others and always seem quite fine yourself. Sometimes people don’t realise how heavy you are feeling until you tell them.

You are the sort of person that will reach out to meet up and try and help them feel better, some people aren’t like that until you tell them you need support. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, I know you’re going through a lot yourself but try not to let everyone go.

My advice would be to say you need support and company and to meet up, IF they they proceed to say oh erm I’m busy sorry can’t see you for 3 months and my hair needs a wash and works busy … then you can dump them

I think they need to know what you need.

Message a couple of them. Suggest meeting up for coffee. Tell them you're feeling pretty low at the moment and you could do with some company.

Hopefully that will make them realise you need some support.

Ok, I’ve just separately messaged my two closest friends and asked if they’re available to meet up sometime this week.

That’s good OP, I hope they are able to meet up with you x

Well done OP

I hope it works out for you 🤞🏼

I don't agree at all. A real friend would not need to be asked.

OP unfortunately there are good quality and low quality friends but you only find out whixh they are when they need to stand up to be counted.

I know this is an old thread, but how did things work out for you OP? Did your friends step up? I'm going through a similar-ish situation myself