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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let this friendship go?

14 replies

Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 10:29

AIBU to gently wave goodbye to this friendship?

We have been friends for 20 or so years (since university) and bridesmaids for each other, had babies at the same time. Over the last couple of years, friendship has been a little strained: we live an hour apart and have busy work lives and lots of children. She has had a few big stressors in her life.

We met up last week and friend made a couple of comments that made we wonder whether she's the kind, wonderful person I always thought she was. She said she didn't want to send her son to a local school as the student population is mostly Indian (she caveated it with wanting a more diverse setting) - my husband is Indian (I am white Brit) and my children are therefore half Indian. How did she think this might land with me?? She also said she didn't think trans and gay people should be represented in children's books. I've never heard her be homophobic before.

I've always felt she thought I was a little rough around the edges (tattoos, a sibling on benefits, don't always pronounce my 'ts') and passed comment one too many times when our second born came along (after our marriage) that we 'finally had a legitimate child'. I don't care if she thinks I'm a little rough around the edges - I am very happy with who I am - I've not let her judgey slights ruin our friendship... but now I'm thinking are these recent comments one red flag too many?

(Just sitting here and recalling other red flags I ignored. After I had a very painful split with a previous long term boyfriend, she wen't to his house for drinks with her partner a few weeks later and didn't think it was in anyway wrong. And initially didn't make me a bridesmaid as I "hadn't been happy enough" for her when she got engaged - not sure what more I could have done than what I did: call excitedly, send personalised congratulations card, and try to track down the bridesmaid dresses she was after...?)

Having said all of this, we have been friends for a long time and have another friend in our group of three who I love dearly who I'd would be very sad to lose in the distancing efforts. Should I just roll my eyes, love the best bits of her and ignore the shitty bits? I'm not perfect either (I didn't go to her hen do as I had already accepted a wedding invitation from another friend), although I'm not a racist or homophobe.

AIBU to wave this friendship goodbye?
(and how should I do it?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 11:08

Just giving this a little bump up.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 16/06/2025 13:12

I couldn't ignore racism or homophobia myself and would have called her out on it. It sounds like she's not a nice person. Why would you want to stay friends with someone like that?

Sobblimminwindy · 16/06/2025 13:25

It's time for you to move on. It's ok to feel sad about the ending of a friendship, but honestly, she doesn't sound like a nice person. Life can sometimes be really hard, so we should surround ourselves with as much happiness as we can. My friends joke that I have always said I can only have 5 friends. I have acquaintances, but only 5 real friends. But for that handful of people I would move heaven and earth. I am always grateful for their love and support and in turn give mine back unconditionally.

ConfusedSloth · 16/06/2025 13:34

What are her good traits?

If I met someone who looked down on me then we probably wouldn't become friends long enough for me to find out that they're also homophobic and racist.

Also - attending a wedding you've already committed to over a hen do you're just invited to isn't imperfect of you, it's appropriate priorities... but I get the impression you were told off for this...

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/06/2025 13:37

You are absolutely not unreasonable to run a mile from this woman! She sounds awful! You don't need to lose touch with the mutual friend, just arrange to see her just the two of you from now on. If she queries it I would outright tell her that you didn't appreciate racist comments made.

Original poster
Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 14:01

ConfusedSloth · 16/06/2025 13:34

What are her good traits?

If I met someone who looked down on me then we probably wouldn't become friends long enough for me to find out that they're also homophobic and racist.

Also - attending a wedding you've already committed to over a hen do you're just invited to isn't imperfect of you, it's appropriate priorities... but I get the impression you were told off for this...

She is warm and funny, and checks in when I am having a rough time. Always sends birthday cards/gifts and came with pre-prepared meals when | had babies.

It hasn't been overt looking down her nose at me, mostly I've given her the benefit of doubt - but enough hints over 20 years for my spidey senses to pick up on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 14:05

Sobblimminwindy · 16/06/2025 13:25

It's time for you to move on. It's ok to feel sad about the ending of a friendship, but honestly, she doesn't sound like a nice person. Life can sometimes be really hard, so we should surround ourselves with as much happiness as we can. My friends joke that I have always said I can only have 5 friends. I have acquaintances, but only 5 real friends. But for that handful of people I would move heaven and earth. I am always grateful for their love and support and in turn give mine back unconditionally.

I am very similar! She was one of my "5", which is why I think I'm finding this very difficult.

OP posts:
MageQueen · 16/06/2025 14:15

Mmm, normally I'd say it' sokay to just let a friendship drift into being less close. But she sounds pretty awful so it might be that you let it drift more actively - ie just actively don't be available.

Do you ever challenge these statements? eg the Indian one? "You know my DH is Indian"

Or homophobic comments, "So you thin we should pretend to our children that gay people don't exist? What happens if one of my child's friends is the child of a gay couple?!" "

Rosybud88 · 16/06/2025 14:26

If you can’t have a healthy chat with your friends when you have a difference of opinion then it’s time to end the friendship, you clearly don’t like her so why maintain a friendship?

Original poster
Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 14:29

MageQueen · 16/06/2025 14:15

Mmm, normally I'd say it' sokay to just let a friendship drift into being less close. But she sounds pretty awful so it might be that you let it drift more actively - ie just actively don't be available.

Do you ever challenge these statements? eg the Indian one? "You know my DH is Indian"

Or homophobic comments, "So you thin we should pretend to our children that gay people don't exist? What happens if one of my child's friends is the child of a gay couple?!" "

She was our bridesmaid and her husband was on DH's stag do - there will be no doubt she knows he is Indian! (We had Indian drummers and Indian food at our wedding and we have all spent lots of time together over the years and they've met DH's Indian family!)

Yes I absolutely did challenge the homophobic one - my 7yo daughter's best friend has two (awesome) mums and I asked if she felt that little girl didn't deserve to see her family represented in story books. Got a "hmm yeah well obviously, but..." in response.

Was a bit stunned about the Indian one... wasn't until I got home that I was like WTaF!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 14:32

Rosybud88 · 16/06/2025 14:26

If you can’t have a healthy chat with your friends when you have a difference of opinion then it’s time to end the friendship, you clearly don’t like her so why maintain a friendship?

I do like her, that's the problem - but I feel her disregard for my family and her frequent (previously ignored) red flags might be one too many.

We disagree on a number of topics - that isn't the issue here.

OP posts:
MageQueen · 16/06/2025 14:33

The fact that she knows your DH is Indian is irrelevant to you challenging her. I bet in her head she'll be thinking, "but he's an XX Indian" with XX being whtever justifies this kind of racism. Also, it's not about challenging her becuase she doesn't know, but to see if she can a) think when challenged and b) adapt her behaviour.

As an English speaking, white immigrant to the UK, I'm constantly surprised by people making "we don't need more immigrants" to me. They MUST know I'm not English - I have a strong accent - but I know what they really think which is that I am okay because I am a) white b) educated c) English speaking. And it's not okay. I'm still an immigrant.

Original poster
Flower4ever · 16/06/2025 14:38

MageQueen · 16/06/2025 14:33

The fact that she knows your DH is Indian is irrelevant to you challenging her. I bet in her head she'll be thinking, "but he's an XX Indian" with XX being whtever justifies this kind of racism. Also, it's not about challenging her becuase she doesn't know, but to see if she can a) think when challenged and b) adapt her behaviour.

As an English speaking, white immigrant to the UK, I'm constantly surprised by people making "we don't need more immigrants" to me. They MUST know I'm not English - I have a strong accent - but I know what they really think which is that I am okay because I am a) white b) educated c) English speaking. And it's not okay. I'm still an immigrant.

She will almost certainly see him as a favourable 'type of Indian' - British born, professional, etc, and not a mass group of Indians infiltrating a local school.

I wish I'd pulled her up on it. I was caught off guard- I thought she was going to say the school had poor facilities etc. I think I'm angry at myself!

Sorry you have experienced that. It's shit!

OP posts:
Dodeedoo · 16/06/2025 17:58

She sounds like an absolute dick

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