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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fathers Day weekend disasters

80 replies

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 10:13

I’ll try to keep it brief but it may still be a long one…

Other half was taking his kids (older teens) to a football tournament about an hour away yesterday, and going to see his parents on the way back. He said he wouldn’t be home until about 5pm.

He told me he’s never had a decent Father’s Day before so while I told him I’d use the way to write an assignment, I actually set about deep cleaning and decluttering the kitchen/diner and cooking a roast from scratch, complete with homemade apple sauce and gravy (not bragging, just telling you so it shows the time taken). He always knew about the roast and had picked what he wanted for it.

For context on the decluttering, it’s been like that since I moved in a year ago. On Saturday we went to a friends bbq at their beautiful home and on the way back he said he loves hosting and he’s missing that part of himself, he just can’t host with the house as it is.

while he was out, he text at 2pm saying they’re coming back early. I said no, you can’t… then there were several texts saying he’s dropping his kids back then, what’s going on etc. I said ‘it’s Father’s Day….just wait and see 😊’.

5pm he came in, I was making cheese sauce and he grumpily said ‘aren’t you going to give me a cuddle’. I explained I’m just in the middle of the sauce and will do in a second.

He then complained about the roast almost being ready and that because I said not to come back until 5 (the time he said he’d be back!) they got a McDonald’s and weren’t hungry.

when we eventually sat for dinner, he had a go at me for moving his things (done carefully so they weren’t out of any order). He had such a go we all ate in silence. He then said he can’t store things under the stairs because ‘it’s a mess’. I reminded him the storage isn’t a mess but we all have to put our coats on top because he has so many jackets hanging up.

I made myself scarce for the rest of the evening. When I went to bed he started on about it all again, said he must be imagining things or maybe I’m confused about things. He then started reading a book on how to win arguments- I kid you not.

for further context, on Friday he came back from a work day drunk, said he’s never shaken my hand before. I am a left handed so without thinking put my left forward. He said I am so entitled thinking the right handed who are on the majority should yield to me. I said it’s not like that, I’m just left handed, I did it without thinking. He said ‘I don’t need this shit,’ then walked off before shouting ‘I don’t need this shit!’ and slamming a door.

i can’t bring up Fridays events and Sundays with him as he will say they’re different events, not to be joined together and I was fine on Saturday. If I tell him how it’s all making me feel he’ll stop me and say to give specific examples as just saying how I feel isn’t helpful.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 16/06/2025 11:25

So you don't have kids together? It's Fathers Day but he's not your father - why is he expecting you to treat him like he is? He sounds like a total arse. I don't even understand the hand shaking comments.

Minor point but why couldn't he come back just because you were making a roast (which he seems to have known about)?

InterestedDad37 · 16/06/2025 11:35

Sounds like a bit of a knob tbh. He seemingly has saving graces, and I guess it's whichever outbalances the other 😀Personally, I eventually refused to tolerate unreasonable behaviour, and left.
But, I'd say the decision (to stay or go) should depend on YOUR priorities for yourself (so you are in control) and not on the unpredictable nature of his behaviour.

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 11:38

Mothership4two · 16/06/2025 11:25

So you don't have kids together? It's Fathers Day but he's not your father - why is he expecting you to treat him like he is? He sounds like a total arse. I don't even understand the hand shaking comments.

Minor point but why couldn't he come back just because you were making a roast (which he seems to have known about)?

I totally would’ve said to come back if it was just the roast but I was cleaning/decluttering alongside and wanted to also have showered up and put makeup on. He had also said he was coming for 5pm so it was a bit of a shock he was planning on coming back hours early as I’d planned my to do list around the extra time

OP posts:
BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 11:40

NoSoupForU · 16/06/2025 10:41

Then you haven't decluttered, you've moved things and created chores for him. I'm struggling to see why that's a treat, but appreciate we're all different.

The kitchen and dining room were an absolute dump so it really was a deep clean and declutter- also the stumbling block around hosting. He just needed to put some stuff away but by his own admission he is a mega procrastinator.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 16/06/2025 11:45

I'm still not sure why it was all on you to give him a decent Fathers' Day?

CeraUnaVolta · 16/06/2025 11:46

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 10:43

Because sometimes he’s very lovely.

“Sometimes he’s lovely”

Honestly, raise your bar. Being lovely sometimes is not something to cherish or aspire to. You can do so much better than this.

Hankunamatata · 16/06/2025 11:47

So he is an ass
But
It would have really annoyed me being told not to come home until 5pm after being at kids match as all id want to do it sit down and have a cuppa.
Talk to him about decluttering - putting crap into piles would just seem like it was more work for me

Notchangingnameagain · 16/06/2025 11:49

Fucking hell. Another big baby. Get rid.

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 11:53

Hankunamatata · 16/06/2025 11:47

So he is an ass
But
It would have really annoyed me being told not to come home until 5pm after being at kids match as all id want to do it sit down and have a cuppa.
Talk to him about decluttering - putting crap into piles would just seem like it was more work for me

The event was meant to go on until 3ish with an hour’s drive, plus he was stopping to see his parents on the way back. When he let me know he had decided to leave the event early, I said could he stay with his parents a bit longer. It wasn’t like he’d be out on the street.

our kitchen and dining room has been getting harder to clean and use because of the piles he’s created. The day before, he had said about how he can’t host because of it, how much he loves hosting, with a strong inference it’s because I’m slowing progress somehow.

the funny thing is, there wasn’t tons of stuff, it was just really messy and he won’t just put stuff away, he will pull everything out and put everything away.

also worth noting he’ll do stuff like pile things on my side of the bed without telling me so I have to deal with them before going to bed. When I’ve complained he tells me I’m inflexible and need to see the bigger picture.

OP posts:
Gyozas · 16/06/2025 11:57

@BeWittyTurtle, if you were given a pie that was 90% fillet steak, and 10% human shit, would you still think it worth eating?

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 12:04

Gyozas · 16/06/2025 11:57

@BeWittyTurtle, if you were given a pie that was 90% fillet steak, and 10% human shit, would you still think it worth eating?

I am going to steal this!

OP posts:
GinnyandGeorgia · 16/06/2025 12:04

you are still very unreasonable about the timing and expecting him to stay away. There wasn't much a "surprise" going on there.

the funny thing is, there wasn’t tons of stuff, it was just really messy and he won’t just put stuff away, he will pull everything out and put everything away.

Then tell him as it's both your home, you both need to compromise. He can have one space/ one room for his crap, you have your own (clutter-free) space and communal parts of the house are to be kept "visitor-ready" for when his own family and kids are there if nothing else.

I can't stand mess and clutter, but people should be allowed to have a "monica cupboard" in their own home if they must. It shouldn't be on you to clean and tidy though.

Amuseaboosh · 16/06/2025 12:08

OP, ignore the people projecting their own stuff here.

You tried to do something thoughtful, caring and nice. It was received with contempt, ungratefulness and negativity.

Even if things weren't to his absolute liking, he could still have handled it differently.

Walk away. He doesn't value you enough to see all of you.

Walk away.

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 12:15

Amuseaboosh · 16/06/2025 12:08

OP, ignore the people projecting their own stuff here.

You tried to do something thoughtful, caring and nice. It was received with contempt, ungratefulness and negativity.

Even if things weren't to his absolute liking, he could still have handled it differently.

Walk away. He doesn't value you enough to see all of you.

Walk away.

Thank you, I’ve decided I’m going to. This was the last in a very long line of me teaching him how to treat me decently. He can do it sometimes. He just is choosing to less and less.

Bad timing as we’re due to take all our children on holiday in six weeks but it is what it is.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 16/06/2025 12:18

Amuseaboosh · 16/06/2025 12:08

OP, ignore the people projecting their own stuff here.

You tried to do something thoughtful, caring and nice. It was received with contempt, ungratefulness and negativity.

Even if things weren't to his absolute liking, he could still have handled it differently.

Walk away. He doesn't value you enough to see all of you.

Walk away.

OP, ignore the people projecting their own stuff here.

Virtually every post has said he is an arse or words to that effect.

whatapalarva · 16/06/2025 12:29

... sorry back up a bit.. he was reading a book in bed titled "how to win an argument"?! that's the reason right there for me to say LTB!

Verv · 16/06/2025 12:35

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 11:22

He knew about the roast so that wasn’t the surprise. He’s a big foodie and picked what he wanted. I also had to tell him in the end it was because of a surprise he couldn’t come home.

the decluttering was his mess from a year ago.

we both work from home and he’s back down ranting at me for being dramatic 🙄

OP you sound like a really decent person who made an effort for your partner on FD, and have made an effort to declutter HIS shit so that HE can host because HE said he missed and enjoyed it.

You can do better than this man, and I hope that you do.

TreatTreat · 16/06/2025 12:38

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 10:13

I’ll try to keep it brief but it may still be a long one…

Other half was taking his kids (older teens) to a football tournament about an hour away yesterday, and going to see his parents on the way back. He said he wouldn’t be home until about 5pm.

He told me he’s never had a decent Father’s Day before so while I told him I’d use the way to write an assignment, I actually set about deep cleaning and decluttering the kitchen/diner and cooking a roast from scratch, complete with homemade apple sauce and gravy (not bragging, just telling you so it shows the time taken). He always knew about the roast and had picked what he wanted for it.

For context on the decluttering, it’s been like that since I moved in a year ago. On Saturday we went to a friends bbq at their beautiful home and on the way back he said he loves hosting and he’s missing that part of himself, he just can’t host with the house as it is.

while he was out, he text at 2pm saying they’re coming back early. I said no, you can’t… then there were several texts saying he’s dropping his kids back then, what’s going on etc. I said ‘it’s Father’s Day….just wait and see 😊’.

5pm he came in, I was making cheese sauce and he grumpily said ‘aren’t you going to give me a cuddle’. I explained I’m just in the middle of the sauce and will do in a second.

He then complained about the roast almost being ready and that because I said not to come back until 5 (the time he said he’d be back!) they got a McDonald’s and weren’t hungry.

when we eventually sat for dinner, he had a go at me for moving his things (done carefully so they weren’t out of any order). He had such a go we all ate in silence. He then said he can’t store things under the stairs because ‘it’s a mess’. I reminded him the storage isn’t a mess but we all have to put our coats on top because he has so many jackets hanging up.

I made myself scarce for the rest of the evening. When I went to bed he started on about it all again, said he must be imagining things or maybe I’m confused about things. He then started reading a book on how to win arguments- I kid you not.

for further context, on Friday he came back from a work day drunk, said he’s never shaken my hand before. I am a left handed so without thinking put my left forward. He said I am so entitled thinking the right handed who are on the majority should yield to me. I said it’s not like that, I’m just left handed, I did it without thinking. He said ‘I don’t need this shit,’ then walked off before shouting ‘I don’t need this shit!’ and slamming a door.

i can’t bring up Fridays events and Sundays with him as he will say they’re different events, not to be joined together and I was fine on Saturday. If I tell him how it’s all making me feel he’ll stop me and say to give specific examples as just saying how I feel isn’t helpful.

AIBU?

Please leave him.

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 12:46

We both work from home- he appeared at my door earlier and said I’m really not understanding his perspective and that he’s asked his kids and they’ve said he’s not grumpy apparently. He said I get to be grumpy sometimes and will say it’s my hormones, or that sometimes I am not in the mood to be hugged or touched and again he has to understand that….

he said he doesn’t like being told what to do. Then he very sarcastically said several times on repeat ‘I’m so grateful from the bottom of my heart that you did what you did yesterday, do you hear me?’ I told him he’s to never speak to me like that again. We were only interrupted because I had a teams call.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 16/06/2025 12:46

I can give you the name of an excellent divorce lawyer. He’s awful op. So sorry.

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 16/06/2025 12:46

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 10:46

The confusing thing is that some of the time he is one of those men

The fact that your DP is not treating you badly all the time doesn’t mean he sometimes is a good man. A good man would never treat their partner like this.

Also, why is it your job to make sure he has a good father’s day?

MrsKeats · 16/06/2025 12:49

NoSoupForU · 16/06/2025 10:41

Then you haven't decluttered, you've moved things and created chores for him. I'm struggling to see why that's a treat, but appreciate we're all different.

Cooking a lovely roast dinner with home made sauces etc is a huge treat. You have to organise things into piles so you can decide what to keep/file/throw away etc.

Naunet · 16/06/2025 12:56

He sounds like a high maintenance, drama queen. On another note though, why on earth did you sort fathers day gifts for older teens?

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 13:00

Naunet · 16/06/2025 12:56

He sounds like a high maintenance, drama queen. On another note though, why on earth did you sort fathers day gifts for older teens?

They’re very self absorbed, lovely but it is all about them. The sad thing is he was crying about the beautiful card they bought him and how thoughtful they were to pick such a meaningful design. It was me. They didn’t contribute, nor come to the shops. Didn’t even wrap his gifts.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 16/06/2025 13:05

BeWittyTurtle · 16/06/2025 12:46

We both work from home- he appeared at my door earlier and said I’m really not understanding his perspective and that he’s asked his kids and they’ve said he’s not grumpy apparently. He said I get to be grumpy sometimes and will say it’s my hormones, or that sometimes I am not in the mood to be hugged or touched and again he has to understand that….

he said he doesn’t like being told what to do. Then he very sarcastically said several times on repeat ‘I’m so grateful from the bottom of my heart that you did what you did yesterday, do you hear me?’ I told him he’s to never speak to me like that again. We were only interrupted because I had a teams call.

Life is too short for all this nonsense.