To feel suffocated by my partner?

[LateNightThoughts21]

I have been with someone for just under a year.

I am aware that we are completely different people in the sense that having my own time and space sometimes is absolutely essential for me and I am comfortable in my own company, whereas he feels more comfortable when with me and could genuinely spend 24/7 with me and not get bored or fed up or need time to himself.

Just recently he has been asking to spend quite a lot of time at my house (practically nearly every single night), despite having his own place which is quite nice. He does contribute towards things when he is here and buys his own food, helps out with the cleaning and everything else. The minute he leaves me, even if it is just for a few hours, he is calling or messaging to say that he misses me and if we are not together, he is expecting to message all day long (he works a job that allows for this).

I know we have different personalities but given the fact that he does treat me really well and has only ever shown kindness/understanding/comfort/love towards me - I am asking AIBU for feeling suffocated by all of this or is this just a me problem?

Yanbu, I'd tell him it's too much and you need time to yourself sometimes and want spend some nights alone too.

I would find that suffocating too, he sounds very needy which isn’t attractive.
As for expecting you to text all day despite being at work (assuming you work too?), that’s just totally unnecessary and unprofessional. Does he have any friends or family he sees independently, or are you his sole source of social interaction? This kind of relationship wouldn’t be for me, it sounds far too intense and restrictive.

I work from home, but it is very distracting and sometimes when I do take a longer period of time to reply to one of his messages, a reply will ping back almost instantaneously from him. He has a couple of friends which he sees now and again, and he will go and see family if I take a couple of days for myself, but overall I think I am his main source of social interaction because of comments he has made - that his family never really message him first and his friends are busy a lot of the times when he tries to make plans with them.

I don’t have experience of this kind of relationship myself, but having read so many threads about controlling relationships on this website, I would be concerned that this could become one.

Is your partner happy for you to see your friends/family, or do activities, by yourself? To have time just by yourself if you want? If the answer is no, I would suggest you need to be very careful that you don’t end up with your world shrinking to just the two of you.

I personally would be thinking of getting out of the relationship at this stage, or at least pulling back a little and seeing if he recognises you need your own space sometimes. If he resists giving you space, I think you need to think seriously about the wisdom of continuing the relationship.

My DH has these tendencies after 20+ years I found just clear communication was the key, I told him early on I need my space, I don’t like to spend all of my time with one person, he felt quite intense to me. He sometimes slips back into the needy, and when phone were a thing and WhatsApp i simply said I don’t want to talk with him on whatapp I’d rather catch up in person at the end of the day etc.

Just see if he respects this, I read it that’s he’s just keen but his lack of other socials would bother me.

Love bombing. You don’t have to make him happy. I can still remember those days. Just tell you want to move on. You don’t need excuses. Bye

And all of the sudden they give you the ick. It’s a real emotion

think I am his main source of social interaction because of comments he has made - that his family never really message him first and his friends are busy a lot of the times when he tries to make plans with them.

If he has wanted the same level of attention from them maybe they got frustrated too. There’s probably no point asking him if that’s true because he’s either oblivious to how needy he is or won’t admit it. You could try having a conversation and reassure him that although you need less contact it doesn’t mean you don’t care for him but that level of contact absolutely will not work for you.

But couples are still getting to know each other in the first year or so, so maybe this is just who he is and you aren’t compatible. It would be better to end it rather than continue with either him feeling anxious and neglected or you feeling stressed and smothered

That wouldn't work for me. He sounds more clingy than a baby. Not an attractive trait. Consider ditching him?

Hmm… I’m not sure about this one because when I have said that I need a few days on my own, I won’t be messaging as much or don’t invite him to something - he always says take as much time as you need, I completely understand - but always starts off with “oh, okay…” in a very intentional disappointed tone. So it’s like he is being understanding but wants me to know he is disappointed at the same time.

My ex was like this, it wore me down and ultimately I finished it after 2 years. He was too needy. I didn’t like it when he would comment that he’d seen me online on WhatsApp obviously messaging someone else but not him! He even sulked if I’d been speaking to my mum on the phone and not him. He liked to chat for hours in the day on the phone but I worked from home so a quick call was ok but not hour long chats.

So as well as being needy his disappointed tone (when you try to carve out some space) which you say is "intentional" makes you feel guilty, confused, unhappy?

Yeah, I can easily see how it can wear someone down. It’s not reached that stage at the moment where he does stuff like that, but should the relationship ever progress to a living together stage or something like that - I can imagine how the neediness would intensify to that sort of level and that wouldn’t work for me at all.

Yeah, it does make me feel guilty and he did comment once before “well what am I supposed to do now then?”. I did kick off saying that I wasn’t solely responsible for his social life and happiness, and he has never said it since but shows his thinking.

Ergh... I could not put up with that at all. He's being extremely disrespectful of your personal boundaries and is emotionally manipulative when you express your very reasonable need for a bit of space.

The texting thing especially might seem like a small thing, but it isn't. He's deliberately constantly pushing himself into the forefront of your mind, taking up valuable mental space and denying you the opportunity to even think your own thoughts without being reminded of him.

Yeah… I think I have finally seen the light!

I didn’t sleep very well last night because of all of this and thinking about everything. Told him this morning and had a conversation about how I feel a little bit suffocated and how I’m struggling to have him in my space so much and needing a bit of breathing space and time to myself the next few days… well he said he understood and would do whatever would help… then continued to talk about plans for coming over later.

I have finally realised that he actually doesn’t respect my boundaries at all and I don’t think the relationship will likely recover from all of this neediness.

Honestly OP it is very concerning that you have tolerated this for so long and seem to doubt yourself. Don't doubt yourself.
Listen to your gut that is keeping you awake and desperately trying to warn you.

His neediness is creepy and ALL about him.
He doesn't care about you, its all him.

How you could find that even remotely attractive is amazing.

His neediness would quickly morph into controlling behaviour the minute he moved in with you.
You would be monitored constantly.

Get rid of him asap.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help with boundaries.

This is a deeply unhealthy relationship and you need to build self-esteem and boundaries to protect yourself going forward.
Trust your gut. Learn to listen to it.

This sounds like my DDs boyfriend. It started nice, like 'oh he really loves me a lot' but then turned to needy and controlling. She'd have to talk him down for hours because he'd got upset due to her not replying to a text, or saying she was too tired to come over. It was hard for her to see how his behaviour was toxic for a while but eventually she had had enough and broke it off.

I think it's quite normal after nearly a year to be like this. As long as he doesn't sulk if you sat you want alone time, to see friends etc. If ges disturbing your work day name that clear, I'll text you on my break/ lunch whatever.

Yep op he's all caught up in his own little world with you being his constant validation.

It is not normal.

It BECOMES normal for women that are vulnerable to abuse.

A women with boundaries and self esteem would see the red flag waving and get the ick.

They would realise that this is not healthy or normal.

These women hear its because i love you, think you are great etc.

These men do not come out with I want to control you completely.

They do it by stealth.

Read up on the "boiled frog" analogy.
Thats how they do it.

Women that are vulnerable feel "confused".
They can't understand why if they are so loved, they feel so confused and shit.

These men poison all other relationships that women have by pouring poison into their ears and slowly creating drama with seeing other people.

There is nothing innocent, kind or loving about these men.

They are deeply disturbed flawed characters.
They ruin womens lives.

You really don’t want to be some guy’s sole hobby and source of human interaction.

I’ve known guys like this — they borrow the life of whoever they’re currently with, and in between relationships just go into standby.

I wouldn't be able to cope with smothering like this
How have you not told him to Fuck right off!
I would feel like screaming
It's not you, it's him
Single life is bliss, and you can breathe!.. just saying

He knows you want space sometimes but he’s continually pushing your boundaries and making you feel guilty for not needing him as much as he needs you. If you allow it to continue you will end up doing what he wants for the easier life.
You could agree to set nights so you both know where you stand?