Partner has called quits on our relationship!

[Beetiq]

Long post!!

My partner now ex and I have 3 kids aged 5, 3 & 1. We've been together for 8 years, but recently he decided we split over an argument on finances. I moved to the UK over 10 years ago, it was hard renewing visas as they are costly. I was allowed to work 20 hours a week. Back home I had a disabled son who financially depended on me. His father didn't and still doesn't contribute anything and there's no government support. My family helped look after him while I was away. I used to send money for his upkeep but one time, I sent my papers to renew my visa and it got rejected, I got a solicitor but the whole process took a little over a year for me to get my visa renewal. During that time, I wasn't allowed to work hence no income. I had some money so I decided to started buying clothes here and sell them back home in a bid to continue supporting my son, it really helped. When I finally got my visa, I could work again and support myself, I decided to keep the buy and resell business going to continue supporting my son's needs while the money I earned here supported my needs. And then I met my partner not long after I got my visa. I told him about my son and the little business I run to support him, he was happy for me at the time. After dating for about a year, we moved in together & bills were split 50/50. After about seven months, we decided to start a family, all was okay when I earned, and when we received maternity allowance. But then I didn't go back to work for reasons we agreed on so I became a SAHM. Everything was fine until my partner started to be the only financial provider, he started complaining about the business, in fact he didn't talk to me about it, he just attacked me saying I was a liar, deceitful, dishonest etc......but never quite mentioned that he was calling me all that because of the business. When he finally talked about it properly, he said I had separated the business as my own, that he didn't know anything going on with it, I apologised and explained that I had kept it separate because it was only tiny and that he knew it was taking care of my son as I had told him when we met. And since we had our kids, when I have got money back to restock, I have used some of that money to buy clothes for the kids, or pay for transport fare or buy nibbles when out etc. The only fault/ mistake I made was not declare every penny I spent/ put the money in the family pot like my partner wanted. This has made me to be called a liar, dishonest, deceitful etc. Anyway, he never listened or understood and just got mad at me. Apparently his friends and family thought I was bang out of order. I tried to talk to him about this issue but he would get angry and say we don't understand each other. I thought about getting rid of the business as it was destroying us, but then thought of how my son's needs would be met (he still lives back home with my family). I didn't think it would have been fair to put that responsibility on my partner as we were struggling financially with me being a SAHM. Fast forward, we have three kids together (5, 3 & 1) & now my partner has decided to call it quits. I am completely broken and hate myself for all this mess. My partner recently said the money from the business (even if it was for buying more stock) should have been put in the family pot so we could decide together how we spend it. This was made clear recently when he called it quits. I spoke to one of his friends and one family member who after listening to my side of things didn't think it was a big deal, in fact this family member asked why he was obsessed with this issue. When I told my partner about it, he said they were just being nice to my face rather tell me the truth, which is they think I am in the wrong. I am struggling at the moment as the break up is so fresh, I am hurting so much as I look at my kids and hate myself for putting them in this mess. I am torn, broken and don't feel like I can go on. Someone please talk some sense into me. Was I so wrong? Do I deserve what I got?

No one deserves to feel blindsided by a decision to split. I think your next step is to figure out what you’d like to do and what is likely to happen given you and your (x)P wants and needs.

In any case (both of yours) priorities should be what happens to the kids and figuring that out amicably (or at least cordially).

If this was about the business and shared finances then surely that would first be a conversation around contributions and goals etc. if he’s called time without that then is that really what the split is about because it seems confusing and disproportionate based on what you have said?

I'm sorry this happened, it does sound like he had the wrong idea about your business and that could have been sorted if he'd spoken to you.

Communication is a 2 way thing, you're probably both guilty of misunderstanding. It's also pretty likely that there are more reasons than just this issue.

However, that's in the past, the reason for the split isn't important.

What will you do now? You aren't married but the 3 DC are his? I would try to put aside all thoughts on why and figure out the future - where you will live, how much maintenance you'll get, how much access he wants to the kids.

How much is your business making?

Don't get too invested in working out why he feels like this about your business. I have a feeling it's nothing to do with that, he's just using it as a reason to leave you. He's keeping your focus on that so you don't look too hard anywhere else. I'm sorry, he's a git. You deserve better.

No, you've done nothing wrong. He's controlling and you're better off without him.

Did you get as far as the bit where OP said he was disabled?
Maybe OP came to the UK for better opportunities to support her son, while leaving him with loving relatives without causing him any distress by moving country.
Maybe it's not what the thread is about and maybe it's none of our business!
You clearly don't have a disabled child, so lucky you.
If you really can't think of any circumstances where this might have been OP's best option, I suggest you get out a bit more and see the world.

@IReallyLoveItHerethat’s basically the reason he has given. We aren’t married and yes the 3 kids are his. We discussed the business and he never asked about it until I stopped earning cos of looking after the kids. It has been that for 5 years.

I was thinking the exact same thing. How can anyone leave one child behind and set up a new life/family in another country. Regardless of a disability.

@Trompthank you for that. Exactly what u have said.

@Spottydogtooand @Parky04i could go into explaining your question about “why I left my son”, could also go into what my plans were or are and what happened along the way, but the post wasn’t about that so I left out those things. Life doesn’t allows play out the way we want.

Did the accusations start after you made 3 children? If not ...why go on to have more kids that apparently you can't afford?

It's very easy to criticize when you are born in a country like the UK and don't have to go through the difficult decision to migrate to another country just to make a living.

I'm not talking about the Brit deciding to move to Australia for more sun I'm talking about the desperate need to migrate just to survive.

It sounds like you're in a very challenging situation. I can't imagine leaving a disabled child behind BUT I do appreciate that the reasons you did so were to be able to financially provide for them and their care. I don't think any of us can truly comprehend that unless we're in that situation ourselves, despite being a mum to disabled children.

I think all you can do is get yourself a job, build on your business and make a life for yourself as best you can. Your ex has shown you who he is. Make sure he's still providing for your children too, and show them that you are there and fighting for their future. I know it's a tough road ahead, but will keep everything crossed that it works out for you.

I agree with pp, I think your sideline/business is a red herring. You've been together years and had 3 kids together.

Maybe he's surprised by how much you're making and thinks that you've been sending money back to support all your family, not just your DC. If it was just a lack of communication then surely you both could have sorted it out. Feel like there's more to this (something he's not telling you).
Anyway, it's done. Will you have to go back to your home country? Have you discussed child support and housing with him? Don't let him walk over you, he has a duty to his children.

@CountryMumof4thank you so much for your encouraging words, means a lot to me. Words like yours are giving me the strength to pick myself up and move on. I have done all I could but not felt appreciated. Even though he says he’s great at communication, I have told him that he lacks a bit cos he had a tendency of assuming that “some things are obvious” and I should have known. I told him that he should have never assumed but rather clearly communicated his feelings/ his thoughts. Anyway, I appreciate your message a lot & am going to do the best I can for my/ our babies, they need me. I wish you too the best.