Am I being selfish?

[TeaAndToddlers2023]

Next month I am meant to be performing for a couple of nights with my band in a city I need to fly to. The venue also happens to be a ~40 minute drive from where my PIL live. As it also happens, the last day my band is performing, Friday, is also the day of DH's uncle's 60th birthday (Friday) as well as the day before FIL's 53rd birthday (Saturday).

We decided that DH would also come with me on the trip. The plan was that DH would watch me perform on Thursday, but on the Friday go to his uncle's party whilst I do my final performance, pick me up on his way back from the party and then we both stay at PIL's on Friday night so we would also be there for FIL's birthday on Saturday.

That works for me, because whilst I like PIL, I am not close to either of them or DH's extended family. They're fine and decent people, I just don't have a lot in common with them and it means I don't really enjoy spending lots of time with them. DH knows this, and I am more than happy for him to spend as much time as he likes with them himself - although TBH he doesn't really make the effort to do this anyway.

This trip with my band is something I've looked forward to for a long time, put lots of preparation into, and is part of me starting to enjoy my life again after - to cut a long story short - my parents, who I was close to, died in a traumatic way. I have become estranged from my own extended family as a result of the way they died, but one of the outcomes of this is that I no longer want to do anything I don't want to out of fear or obligation.

So, the arrangement worked for us - I get to do my thing, DH gets to do his on Friday with his wider family, I'm happy to do a small thing on the Saturday with his DM and DF for FIL's birthday, then we both go home. I made it clear from the start I don't want to go to the party with his wider family, DH was happy with this and we both were looking forward to the trip.

Problem is we've just had a call with PIL, and they've informed us the plans are changing and now it's probably the case DH's uncle will have some kind of daytime activity on the Saturday instead of a party on the Friday. FIL wants to go, as he says his birthday is not a significant one and he is close to his brother. The expectation is that DH and I will both be going, as we will be with PIL on the Saturday.

After the call ended, I told DH I don't want to go, that I had made it clear I'm happy for him to spend all the time he wants with his family, but I never wanted to. I just don't! DH then started saying that I should go for him, he had to go to my family functions (he never said he didn't want to!), and that it will be awkward if DH and PIL go to his uncle's event but I don't. I feel that DH is attempting to guilt me into it, despite the fact I made it clear from the start I didn't want to go to anything with his wider family and it was his thing really.

He's not even that close to his uncle! I think he just wants to avoid the awkwardness of me saying I don't want to go to the newly planned event. DH is very non-confrontational.

I feel this has taken the shine off this trip for me, which was really meant to be about my band. I'm quite upset about it. But am I being selfish for not just going to the Saturday birthday thing for DH (I really, really, don't want to)?

It's a difficult one because I don't feel anyone should have to do things they don't want to but I would feel massively let down of my partner refused to come to a family event that was important to me, especially when they are in the area.

What your main reason for not wanting to go other than just not wanting to?

The birthday event isn't important to DH. He was going to the party as I didn't mind him not coming to all my performances, so it worked out.

It's only now that I could in theory attend the Saturday thing that he's guilting me into it. He just doesn't want me to say I don't want to go to his parents, I think. I think this is unfair, as I said from the start how I felt about everything and he agreed to the plan.

I don't have a big reason not to go, other than the reason I've already given from the start. I am already dreading it. I think that I will probably just give in and just go. I feel sad that it is taking the shine off this trip I was looking forward to for so long.

unless there’s a big backstory I don’t understand why you can’t just go for a few hours to the party to support your dh?

Boring family events are a fact of life for most of us, just go for a bit then leave?

no need for all the drama and talk of taking a shine off a totally different element of the plans

I’d go if I were you.

The new thing is going to be an hour's drive from PIL's house, and as we're flying we're dependent on them for transport. Cannot just leave after a bit.

If you’re finding DH’s family events triggering at the moment because of the loss of your parents then I think you can reasonably say that it’s just too much at the moment and need to stay away until you’ve had more time to process what’s happened. If you just don’t want to spend time with his family because you’re not bothered about them then that’s pretty rude and I’d be pissed off if I were your DH.

I think you should go. I’ve been to plenty of functions for my husbands extended family because that’s part of being in a relationship isn’t it? He does the same for my family!

I don't think you should go, I think you need to tell your husband he is ruining your trip with your band and he needs to suck this one up. Your plans came first and your sticking to them.
I'd be quite happy to tell my inlaws myself that I would be missing this one though.

Agreed. I’ve gone to countless mildly ghastly IL family events without requiring DH to be actively passionately attached to the family members in question. If he’d like me to go, I’ll go unless it clashes with pre-made, incompatible plans.

It’s not clear why you view going to a party you’re unenthusiastic about as a matter of ‘fear and obligation’, or ehy it takes the shine off your performances?