Coping with anxiety whilst supporting others

[Anxiousanxious72]

I'm typical mid life, got lots of friends and family going through lots of things. Difficult big things. I'm there to support but I find it really hard not to let my anxiety get triggered. It's not the sort of thing you feel comfortable talking about in real life as it seems a bit self obsessed and spoilt. If you have Anxiety and have to support others how do you manage to not send you spiralling about your own health? I'd be grateful for any guidance.

Are you on antidepressants? They might help keep it at bay.

No I'm not. Have tried before but they are not for me unfortunately

First off, do less. Say no to helping others until you reach a level that doesn't negatively impact your health. I'm sure your family and friends have other people or professional services available to them to plug any gaps you leave.

Do you have one person that you can lean on? Spouse/partner /friend? You need support too. You can't put yourself and your mental health at the bottom of your priority list.

OP you cannot pour from an empty cup. The simple answer is, if you have too much on your plate then you don’t support anyone else (barring your own children if you have any of course)

I think in this situation, your friendships should be a welcome distraction, not adding fuel to the fire.

This is good advice. Don't get me wrong, I'm not running myself ragged physically, it's more the emotional support. My week is coffees, texts and calls with friends all going through stuff so I feel a bit steeped in it

You need to distance yourself from this as much as practically possible. I have been on both sides of this, I have had friends drag me down and I have (unintentionally) dragged down others in the past but I have learned a lot from it and luckily, all my friends are still my friends. Either dodge the texts/phone calls or change the subject to something more lighthearted. You don’t need to be anyone’s support human unless you’re in the right headspace for it

I do.know all the good advice about putting your own oxygen mask on. I think my question was more specific about anxious thought patterns. An example would be a friend with a very serious illness, how do I stop my brain thinking "what if I get it? When is it my turn for bad news" and all of those cyclical anxious thoughts. I was curious if anyone with a diagnosis of Anxiety has any tips or tricks or exercises that help.

Thank you. I have 2 specific cases where I really do have to be the support person but I do take the wider point you're making and appreciate it

In the kindest possible way, you can still take a short break and a breather if you need to. I obviously don’t know your friends’ circumstances but I have been there with a friend myself who went through something huge. I was there for her in every way I could be for months and months and she totally deserved the support I gave her. Doesn’t mean I didn’t need a bit of a breather after a while, though. It was absolutely exhausting. Not her fault at all but I couldn’t carry on being supportive as I was starting to burn out. Everyone has a limit! I didn’t cut her off or anything, would just be a bit less available for a week or so (not ignoring her)

It can feel very lonely I understand

It’s bloody hard OP. I’m a single parent and my DD19 suffers terribly with all sorts of mental issues. I’m her safe person. I have nobody really to talk to - and I don’t always want to talk about it when she’s not there. Sometimes I want to think about anything except her - and yes I know how awful that sounds.

It’s very very draining being somebody’s support network and now I’m menopausal I’ve got anxiety symptoms myself.

I honestly don’t know what to say to you that would help, but I have, very recently started admitting to myself that it’s bloody hard work sometimes and I give myself little breaks from reality. I used to feel guilty about it but I don’t anymore. Look after yourself 💐

I can definitely take breaks , like I say it's not so much that, it's more how to change my thought patterns and not have it spike my anxiety about my own health

You treat the cause, not the symptom.

The symptom is your spiralling thoughts. The cause is your anxiety. Giving yourself space away from this type of conversation or trying to distract rather than talk about it endlessly will help.

Ive suffered health anxiety in the past and I know when my battery is nearly drained because I start thinking like this too. I take a break, reset and then my mind calms down. You don’t need to try and rewire your thought processes to make it easier for your friends to trauma dump on to you. It’s lovely that you want to offer that level of support but you have to put yourself first because nobody else will

Ah anxiety is horrible. I have it too, and although I know it is a serious disorder, I also don't talk about it to friends as I worry they will think me self-absorbed.

SSRI antidepressants didn't help me either. I am on Espiride and a beta blocker, and the lowest dose of Trepiline to sleep.

I do yoga daily and it calms me a lot.

I've switched off my text and WhatsApp notifications so I am not disturbed when busy, and can choose when to open the app and check for messages.

Starting HRT has made an enormous difference too.

I prioritise healthy eating, exercise and getting enough sleep.

Good luck OP x

Ah yes. I get this. Treat the cause. Sometimes I cant see the woods for the trees and actually, this is the right way round

This is all good advice and you sound very similar to me!

If you’re anything like me, you end up being a sponge for how other people are feeling ❤️

I suffer from health anxiety too and I have hearing loss and tinnitus which can make me feel very low and anxious at times. I've two young kids and it can be difficult when I'm up to a 100 and they are needing me or pushing my buttons. I'm also a teacher which again can be difficult when I'm struggling mentally but I've no choice. Just have to plough on. I've no magic fix but CBT is good to tackle anxious thoughts and it will give you exercises and things to help your thoughts from spiralling such as body scans, focusing on your senses, exercise etc. It's catching the anxious thoughts and not letting them take hold. There are great people to follow on Instagram and various books out there too. The thing the helps me the most is staying busy. Work usually helps as I haven't a minute to focus on my anxiety but the noise is getting to me at the moment. Definitely look into CBT - worth a try.

Was going to say CBT as @EatMoreChocolate44 has said. It’s great you want to be there for your friends but you need to approach this from a safe space, and in a way that protects yourself.
This might include signposting them to other services, or scheduling clear times to discuss those needs, etc, as well as clear times for you to switch off too. It sounds like you’re aware of some of these tactics which is great, and it’s lovely you want to be so kind.