Does anyone else own a small business and suffer from severe stress due to it?

[frisbeeeee]

Long story short, I’ve been self employed for the last 4 years. I wanted to be self employed due to debilitating anxiety and ocd which makes it extremely hard for me to work in a physical job. I’ve had physical jobs in the past (for 15 years) and I found my mental health was really suffering as I was just having so many panic attacks, I was terrified to go into work every day due to this and it was impacting my performance massively.

I decided to start my own online business 4 years ago which has been successful. However, the stress this has caused yet again is debilitating. I have severe ocd, which I thought was kind of under control, but since having the business it has essentially exploded and I am the worst I’ve ever been. I can’t remember the last time I was happy, I’m terrified to check my emails, deal with customers incase there is a problem, I’m crying every day and I generally feel like I’ve lost (whatever was left of it anyway)- my ‘spark’, etc. I feel like the business I so desperately wanted has actually put the final nail in the coffin with my mental health. Although it is moderately successful, it isn’t ‘easy’ success - I do a lot of work for not great finances but I thought it was ‘saving me’ from having to go to work in a physical job with my panic attacks.
Im now at the stage where the business hasn’t been doing so well for over a year now - it is still providing me with enough to live from but it has noticeably dropped off. I am stuck between wanting to jack it all in and attempt part time work again instead to hopefully free myself mentally but I’m also very aware of my difficulties I had in a physical job. I also have a physical health issue that, should I relapse - which is likely, it will impact me in a physical job massively due to the symptoms.

I just want to be able to go to bed at night and actually sleep and feel content, to be able to watch tv and actually feel calm instead of terrified I’ve done something wrong in the business, not go to bed at night sweating with fear and guilt and my brain going round and round and round.

(I am getting treatment for my mental health but unfortunately it hasn’t helped so far).

Has anyone else ever been in this position?
Am I being unreasonable to want to stop it all ?

Anyone? ☹️

Hi op, are you under anyone's care for your anxiety? Do you have a business mentor/ support?

I run my own business, it is hard, stressful and can be very lonely at times. I don’t think it is easier than being an employee, when you are self-employed you have to deal with everything and anything that comes up.

It sounds like you need a break from everything to focus on getting better, then take some small steps back into work - this could be self-employed as it does give flexibility but only if you have good boundaries in place with yourself.

@wizzywig
yes I have treatment with the nhs - cbt but I don’t feel this helps unfortunately.

I do have support from my family but in reality I very much feel alone and solely responsible for everything. My family are very good at listening to me but when I’m asking the same things over and over again they do get tired (very understandably). I naively thought as soon as I work for myself all my worries will be gone and I’ll be ‘free’ but it feels the opposite

@NorthernDuck

I am tempted to have a break but I feel so guilty for actively stopping money coming in - I’m saving up for ivf too - (a very large part of my mental health struggles/pressures as I know how expensive it is). However my doctors have all said how severe my stress is and how much I need to control this but I just don’t ever seem to be given resources on how to do it.

What is your online business?

You mention stress of dealing with emails, are you selling online or offering a service?

Just trying to get a picture

@frisbeeeee having done 3 rounds of IVF whilst running a business it is hard, gruelling and really tough both physically and mentally.
I know it’s expensive but unless your head is in the right place, I wouldn’t start as it is really hard and stress isn’t good when ttc. I’m quite a strong person mentally and found it really hard (strangely enough not the failures) but the waiting and the successful round/pregnancy, I think because I’d prepared for it not to work. If you’ve got OCD, this can spiral in pregnancy/ post baby. We did shared parental leave with DH taking 7 months as I couldn’t leave the business.

You must be worn out. Ivf on top of being self employed!! I think people sell being self employed as the solution to all employment related stress. And it isn't always the case

@NorthernDuck

Oh wow - I’m glad I mentioned it now! Didn’t want to go off topic lol but it’s nice to hear from someone who has been in such a similar situation!

My head definitely isn’t in the right place for it - we went on holiday last year for the first time in 7 years to try and get me to relax. It was great whilst on holiday but as soon as I was back to the business the stress has unfortunately escalated and I seem to be getting worse and worse each day.

I am also concerned about post pregnancy (if it ever happens). My auntie had bipolar which escalated hugely after her pregnancy and it’s always been at the back of my mind that my own mental health stands to do the same (ocd wise not bipolar).

thank you so much for replying tonight I really appreciate it x

@wizzywig

Thank you ♥️
Yep, I definitely went into this naively thinking it will solve everything but it’s been a huge wake up call.