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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gifting - destination wedding

17 replies

MissHollysDolly · 15/06/2025 16:44

Me,DH and DC (tweenagers) accepted an invitation to a destination wedding. It’s a 3 day Indian wedding - and we’ve just found out that the three days all food and accomodation will all be paid for by the brides family.
The flights didn’t come cheap (over £5k) - and for that reason we’ll be staying on for another week and a half to make the most of it (at our own expense - we had thought we’d be paying for the wedding nights too)
For presents the invitation is quite specific that “nothing is expected” and subtely makes it clear that bringing actual presents is discouraged (bride and groom are flying in themselves so fair enough) but then goes on to give bank details for gifts.
wed love to give something - but how much? The hotel is really expensive - if paying for ourselves we would have paid for something a lot cheaper. Just googled the cheapest room and it’d cost £1,200 for the three nights!
i think we should pay £400 between the four of us - the couple are friends not family and it’s way more than we’d usually give for a uk wedding.

my husband thinks this is insulting and we should
oah for what we think they’ve spent on us - which with room and all the food etc we think is around £2,000.
although we could technically afford it it’d mean we’d really have to cut back on the rest of the holiday - and tighten up for a couple of months too.
AIBU to give less than what they would have spent?

OP posts:
TryingToRecover · 15/06/2025 16:47

2k 😂🤣
not on your life!
Even £400 seems like a lot to me.
They’ve chosen the wedding so it’s not up to you to reimburse them for it.

Clarinet1 · 15/06/2025 16:48

Presumably you’re not of asian/Indian heritage yourselves so I suggest you need some input from people who are (either on MN or friends).

Edited for typo.

Pomegranatecarnage · 15/06/2025 16:49

I think you need to ask someone who’s of Indian heritage what the done thing is.

TunnocksOrDeath · 15/06/2025 16:56

Can you ask other guests who know the couple what the norm would be?
Don't ask Mumsnet re specific amounts - you'll have some people telling you you're a tightwad if you don't drop a couple of grand, and others telling you you're ridiculously flashy for giving them more than a fiver and it's grabby of the couple to expect anything at all.
(edited typo)

RareGoalsVerge · 15/06/2025 16:59

They aren't selling tickets for an event. It's up to them what they choose to spend on their wedding. Give a similar amount as you would give for any friend's wedding.

MissHollysDolly · 15/06/2025 22:04

TryingToRecover · 15/06/2025 16:47

2k 😂🤣
not on your life!
Even £400 seems like a lot to me.
They’ve chosen the wedding so it’s not up to you to reimburse them for it.

This is exactly what I was trying to articulate to him but somehow couldn’t. Thanks!

OP posts:
Junoornotjuno · 15/06/2025 22:06

MissHollysDolly · 15/06/2025 22:04

This is exactly what I was trying to articulate to him but somehow couldn’t. Thanks!

Honestly I’d give £100 which is the same for absolutely every wedding I go to.

Alwaystierd · 15/06/2025 22:13

I’m Indian… honestly, £100-200 is fine. 4K is way too much

Lollyluv · 16/06/2025 18:26

Since they are paying for everything it seems they didn’t want their guest to be out all that money. Give what you are able to afford and don’t worry about it. Had they wanted you to spend thousands they would have just let everyone pay for their own lodgings.

sorenhall · 16/06/2025 18:34

At South Asian (not just Indian but Pakistani) weddings, it is normal to pay for the accommodation of guests coming from another country or city and you are not expected to reimburse them for this. They will appreciate the fact that you took out the time and made the effort to attend their wedding. £400 is more than enough and I agree with a PP that £100-£200 is fine.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 16/06/2025 18:44

I’ve recently had a similar experience OP and after LOTS of agonising and asking around, I gave £250 (I am single so it was only me attending on my own). The couple were genuinely not expecting this much off me and actually tried to give it back!! Of course I refused, but honestly, I think your £400 is ok. Your husband is doing some ‘dick wanging’ which is so typical of a man! Tell him to rein it in…he’s being ridiculous!

CuriousKangaroo · 16/06/2025 18:45

Alwaystierd · 15/06/2025 22:13

I’m Indian… honestly, £100-200 is fine. 4K is way too much

Also Indian and I agree with this.

Money is the usual wedding present in India but absolutely no one expects it to be the amount of money that is spent on the wedding guests.

Crazyworldmum · 16/06/2025 21:20

It’s a very cultural thing . If they live in the uk I’m sure they know uk weddings gifts are symbolic. So tou can do it that way .
Most other countries it’s offensive to give less than what inviting you costs ando always gift at least enough to cover my place and my family .
They are spending so much I would do my best to gift at least 1k between you imo

Andoutcomethewolves · 16/06/2025 21:32

I don't know if this is culturally universal as I'm not Indian but the two Hindu/ Indian origin weddings I've been to (one in India, one in the UK) - both three days - the parents had been saving since their daughters were born and the couples absolutely did not want any gifts or money from guests. Maybe just a token but certainly not gifts to the amount spent on the wedding (my friend who was married in the UK spent - well, her parents spent - £150k!)

legolegoeverywhereandnotadroptodrink · 16/06/2025 22:18

i would give £500

CuriousKangaroo · 17/06/2025 07:59

CuriousKangaroo · 16/06/2025 18:45

Also Indian and I agree with this.

Money is the usual wedding present in India but absolutely no one expects it to be the amount of money that is spent on the wedding guests.

Too late to edit but in your situation I would give £200 (£50 per attendee). For family I would probably give more and if your husband feels really uncomfortable and you can afford it, £400 would be considered a generous gift.

BlueFlowers5 · 17/06/2025 17:38

I haven't been to a wedding for a long time, the going rate was £200 to £300 as a gift from a couple.

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