Is this autism demand avoidance

[Isntitisntitisntit]

Hi all my dd is currently really struggling others socially
A lot of people per her off and she says she has to limit time with people vecause of this, at the same time she has favourite people who she can stand, until she doesn't
it's led me to thinking I know she is kind and cares but she can come across rude and abrupt. When she was younger she would and still does really fight some requests such as eating things, seeing people etc
a few occasions when we were out she would perceive what I'm saying as critism (have to walk ok egg shells) and come back with a really sharp nasty response for example one time I had a friend round and she was asking for crisps despite having had some and being told no. In the evd she responded telling me well it's not like you don't eat 6 packets all in one go causing my friend to gasp at her rudeness. That's just one example. Ste can get angry on the moment - but always sorry and reflective after

Are you asking if we think she might be autistic, or does she already have a diagnosis, and you're asking purely about demand avoidance? Either way, I'd answer 'quite possibly'.

Do you eat six packets of crisps all on one go? Or just have more than her in a one rule for me and one rule for you sort of fashion? Kids have a strong sense of fairness, autistic kids doubly so.

No I don't ever recall sitting and eating 6 packets of crisps maybe 2 lol, the point is that sometimes in response to what she perceives as critisim or a Demand she comes back with a really harsh and abrupt response that is quite nasty. It's not actually intentional it's her quick fire response that she then feels bad about

I'm just wondering uf anyone has any e performers with asd /pda and if it looks like this or if perhaps it's nothing to do with that

she has a diagnosis of ADHD - but sometimes I'm not sure

Is she diagnosed as autistic? I am autistic and also have ADHD and I can be like this where I will blurt out a rude response without thinking if I feel criticised or rejected, I am more aware of it now and it doesn’t happen often but it was worst when I was a teen and I still shudder when I remember some of the things I shouted at my parents in retaliation to disagreements. That said, I don’t know if this is linked to my autism, my adhd or if it is just a personality trait and either way I don’t think there is really an excuse for it, I work hard to try and bite my tongue and think before I retort and when I do say something rude I am better now at apologising, being accountable and taking responsibility for it, but I’m not sure I was there as a teen.

This is exactly it she just blurts stuff out then feels bad cos it's come across rude. It can be very cutting and hurtful thiugh and I worry she will
alienate friends because of it.
I worry people don't see her kind and loving side because of it when I know she doesn't really mean it like that. What do you think helped you? As at the moment she perceives everything I say as being critical and just ends up shouting at me

@Isntitisntitisntit you sound like a good parent who really cares about their DD.

Although I have friends and family with diagnosed or suspected ASD/ADHD I don’t know enough about it to comment if this is PDA. What’s your relationship like with your daughter-is this something you could talk to her about (in a calmer moment)? Or is there another friend or family member she would listen to? Perhaps she has a therapist?

I think @MolkosTeenageAngst wrote a very honest and insightful post.

Realistically, many of us struggle with things whether it’s a part of bring ND/a health condition/personality trait. If it’s something that has a negative impact on ourselves or others then in my view we should do our best to change or manage that trait. I have OCD (considered by some a form of ND.) It doesn’t come from a bad place and I’m often doing things because in my mind I want to protect other people. But my compulsions have definitely been really hard and upsetting for other people to deal with.

The reality is that if people understand that something is linked to ND/a health condition etc., they might be more understanding up to a point. But, if they are constantly being upset, disturbed etc. then they will distance themselves eventually. In the workplace certain behaviours are unlikely to be tolerated.

I think it’s great your DD has you looking out for her. Hopefully you can work with some strategies with her to help reduce the mean outbursts.

Sounds like you might be onto something about the demand avoidance. I wasn’t accusing you BTW, I just thought it was key information for this issue.

Have you considered Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which I believe not unusual with ADHD? I think it could explain a lot of what you say.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to assume autism or other when it’s very much more likely it’s just a phase of development. Remember no one is perfect and many people find social interaction hard and feel lacking in these skills. I would just assume she is a normal person developing and growing and learning! Just model a good example and show kindness to her and others. There’s no need for this ridiculous diagnosis culture!

My daughter is autistic and described as demand avoidant but doesn't present the way you have described. Instead she is very set in her own ways and refuses simple instructions. You always have to present things as a choice. For instance, when helping her to dress I have to ask if she wants to start with top or bottom.

My DD is autistic with PDA profile, and waiting for ADHD assessment. She is rarely sorry about what she says, because to her it isn't rude, it's truthful. Most of us might think things but filter them out, she has no filter. She struggles with conversations, she tends to make statements rather than ask questions of people, which can come across as selfish.

The PDA is more of a fight or flight response to a perceived demand. If I were to ask if she was going to do Biology homework today, I'd get "well I'd planned to, but now you've told me to, so i won't". Even a 'to do' list is a series of demands.

The perceived criticism could be Rejection Sensitive Disphoria which can be linked to ADHD, as a PP mentioned.

Or if she is around the age of puberty, it could just be normal hormonal flooding and confusion, especially if she recognises what she has said is hurtful and comes to apologise.

I think it's probably rejection sensitive dysphoria leading to impulsive lashing out due to her ADHD.

That sounds very hard for your DD and you. Is this likely to be something she can work on over time? I have multiple family members with suspected or diagnosed ASD. They can’t understand that what is true to them is just an opinion or even hurtful to others. Unfortunately 1 has really struggled especially in the workplace. It’s hard isn’t it. On the one hand, it’s good to make allowances and try to let things bounce off. On the other hand, I don’t like to be insulted.

@Nocd39 she was late diagnosed age 15 so I'm not sure how much it will improve given I spent her childhood correcting her manners! I've learnt to be more patient and understanding of her challenges so I can try to guide her rather than correct her, but it is hard.

It's not a phase of development it's happened all of her life and it's not ridiculous if it helps to understand and support with behaviour

This is the thing one of the biggest hurdles in our relationship is I don't lkke to be insulted and she's quite insulting lol - I'm hee mum so can take that and I do correct hee behaviour when she does it but I have seen her with other friends one of whom annoys her and she ends up berating this friend and looks really bad. She won't listen though she just feels I'm being critical I just don't want her to get a reputation of being unkind

My son has PDA it’s really an over the top flight or fight reaction
He was a school refuser who would attack me to not go to school trip me up slap me push me and when I got him to school he would beg and scream to not make him go that’s the PDA then later when school was off the table so to speak he would be so remorseful he wasn’t lying he really was sorry he just didn’t know why it happened

But he will speak also like your daughter and not be sorry
my son sees the world in a very black and white world I think most of us live in a grey world where things can go either way just not for my son
it’s a yes no or wrong right
My son has PDA Autism and ADHD