TO BE P****D OFF WITH GAY FRIEND?

[salsmum]

I have a male friend who i've known for about four years.
I'm a carer/mum to my 19yr old dd who has c.p.
He is a paid carer and works privatly in peoples homes. We have been like brother & sister and been through each others ups n downs.He 'worked' with my daughter for a while and handed in his notice to me when he started working with a young man with c.p. I met my dp 2years ago and must admit my dp is'nt too keen on my friend because he can be quite arrogant and dissmissive of me and does'nt pay my dd much attention when he visits with his 'new charge' My dp is def not homophobic but just thinks my friend has not much respect for me.When it was his 'other charges' birthday he treated him to a party in a posh, slap up hotel and brought him a flat screen T.V. [he has recently come into money]. When it was mine and dds birthday he booked a holiday to Austria.there was a small trinket he bought back for me but NOTHING [card]for DD .He is leaving to live in another country and it's his 40th birthday in next 2 weeks and keeps mentioning that he expects ME to plan/help at his party FFS he even mentioned that he's getting a b/day cake for 'new charges' nan. I feel really like he does'nt give a sht about my DDs b/day or the fact that he did'nt send her a card but goes all out for his new 'adoptive family'who show him little respect. If I help at the party and forget my resentment I'll upset dp, If I refuse to help with party prep I will upset my Gay friend before he leaves the country for good. AIBU to fell p*D off that he did'nt bother with OUR b/days? what should I do?

Erm....honestly? Some people just have 'better' friends than others. I understand really well it can be hurtful etc. when you are sort of dropped for someone else, but sureley you have friends you buy bigger presents for than others? Also, without meaning to sounds rude - why 'gay' friend? But {{hugs}} because it's pants when you are feeling abit left out by friends x

Sorry but he sounds like a narcissitic fool. Was he 'nice' to you before you and DP got together? Perhaps he's jealous of your new relationship?

Ladyofwaffle,
I put Gay friend in the title because it could get a bit confusing to other 'readers' if I said my dp gets p**d off with my 'male friend'so it just goes some way to explain that DP is'nt jealous by a male whos friends with me .....If that makes sense? I'm not generalising because he's gay he acts that way. I have a few gay mates they just happen to be male.
I really dont mind how he spends his money and who on BUT why does he have to tell me who hes'
brought stuff for, how much he spent on them? i'de just rather not know.

toastedteacake, I think he does resent the fact that he cant just 'pop in' as he used to do frequently, he would very often pop by and raid my fridge for a bacon sarnie after he'd just finished cooking dinner for 'charges family' He did live here for a while too. When he comes by and my DD is home he stands in kitchen talking 90 to dozen about 'other charge' and barely says a word to my DD I just feel sad for her because I know she feels pushed aside.

Aha I see. I really dunno about his behaviour, soooo hard to judge (for me) because I take things so personally so if it was me i'd be thinking he's doing that sort of childish 'oooh, I've got a new friend and I like them better than you' kind of thing, and almost showing off his new friendships but then I read very deep into things. I have a by marriage relative who was a 'friend' but then got a 'new friend' (half sister in law) and between them (I think anyway) they kinda show it off (tell me about their joint holidays etc.) and I read that as what I describe above... but they are in their 20's and pretty immature and I am guessing if you have a DD who is 19, your friend must be at least 30 +? But as I said, I am a sensitive soul and read everything very deeply, it could be what I said in my first post - pretty innocent 'he has a better friend' type thing. Urgh, waffling again sorry!

I think he needs a reality check. I would just send him a card and 'small' gift for his birthday, and then make yourself unavailable for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.....

Sorry, as for the actual Q you were asking (am abit tired!) I think you should help at the party - be the bigger person if it is alot abit of a game on his part. I know I moan about being 'dropped' by the people I were talking about to DH (who then says "well, don't get them a card/present in future" (they recently ignored my birthday)) but I know I am no better and being petty if I start playing tit for tat. 99% of the time there is usually an obvious Right Thing To DO, but it's sooooo tempting (I know) to get your back up a little about it. Explain to your DP that you aren't being a push over about it, you just want to leave things without a bitter taste in your mouth and by doing essentially 'the right thing'. Am sure your DP will understand. Sorry, does any of that make sense?

LadyofWaffle,
Yes friend is 40 in August He's had a rough life and to begin with I felt sorry for him [childrens homes etc..]but we soon had a good Thelma and Louise type friendship! I was on my own [for 12 years] He was not in relationship and does have lots of 'trust issues'Since he's worked with this family they have become 'his' family although they see it as purely proffesional basis and they have treated him like sh*t but because he strives for acceptance from them he puts up with it.
He did however start critisising my messy house
my parenting skills etc.. and when DP came along he said 'friend' almost looks down his nose at me/us at times. I choose to ignore, DP does'nt and although is a shy tolerant man DP gets annoyed with 'friend' infringing on our w/ends and his non-chalont general attitude.
He does'nt even want to go to 'friends' b/day bash and seems to think we should 'forget' about his card/pressie. I feel like piggy- in -da middle.