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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Avoiding conflict with husband. Was I wrong?

15 replies

sallywho · 15/06/2025 01:11

In the past my I have said some awful things to my husband. Afterwards I feel so bad and have decided to never argue with him again. No more yelling, no more cursing it’s tiring. I know couples argue but our arguments get really bad. Last week I went shopping and I had other things to do, but decided to take our groceries home and go back out to finish my errands. On my way home my husband texted me saying he would follow me to the salon. I got caught in a bad storm so after dropping off the groceries I told him he didn’t have to follow me. He called me when I left and asked why. It didn’t make sense for us both to be out in the storm. He hung up on me. I just can not be upset about that anymore. The whole time I was at the salon he started sending nasty text. Basically I’m back to being my old self, I’m running from conflict,we are now in a bad space because of me,there’s no progress,I’m just like my mother. I let him say all those things and didn’t respond in a negative way because I told him I was done arguing. I put us back in this situation because I should have still let him follow me. In the past he’s said when we’re in a argument a demon takes over me. He’s back saying that. I responded and said it’s sad that this is how I get treated he then told me I was playing victim.

if I would have responded when he kept texting I know how things would have ended. I didn’t engage and it still put us here.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 15/06/2025 01:15

Why is this all on you - and why on earth did he want to go to the salon with you.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 15/06/2025 01:15

I'm not really sure what's going on as there's no context. Why did he want to follow you? What did the nasty text say?

Why haven't you sought help for your temper?

steff13 · 15/06/2025 01:18

I don't understand why he wanted to follow you.

sallywho · 15/06/2025 01:37

He wanted to make sure I made it. That’s what he told me. I’m in therapy right now. I’m working on my issues my husband does not see how he acts is an issue. He talks to me like I’m a stranger off the street when he’s upset.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/06/2025 02:01

@sallywho make sure you made it to the salon??? wtf did he think you were going to get lost or something??? he would have been more use by putting the shopping away!

Devianinc · 15/06/2025 02:08

steff13 · 15/06/2025 01:18

I don't understand why he wanted to follow you.

Very concerning.

Onautopilot · 15/06/2025 02:16

Does he control where and when you go out/visit friends? Is he retired or unemployed? He obviously doesn't trust you, and perhaps your "bad temper" is your gut telling you to fight back?

butterfly1234 · 15/06/2025 02:29

Why did he need to make sure you made it? Why might you not have made it there?

SheSaidHummingbird · 15/06/2025 03:20

@sallywho Such an odd situation. OP is this a typical interaction between you and DP, because it's nuts. There is no logic.

notmyrealnameok · 15/06/2025 03:33

It’s weird he would follow you does he often do that? Why would he be nasty because you said no? When you got angry in the past did he push you to it and then blame you after? Because it reads like he’s trying to blame you for something when nothing is wrong. There’s not loads of information but your relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Have you considered ending it?

SnugCat · 15/06/2025 03:46

You are only responsible for your behaviour, not your husband's.

It seems perfectly reasonable to say you don't need him to follow you to the salon. If he sends you nasty messages, you can ask him to please not speak to you that way and how it makes you feel when he does. For your husband, who presumably loves you, this should be sufficient for it to stop.

Disagreements are fine, but in order for you to both feel safe you both need to be respectful towards each other. It's also not the sign of a healthy relationship if you need to avoid conflict to keep yourself safe.

He honestly sounds pretty abusive and controlling. Please discuss his behaviours with your therapist, or at least see a couples therapist and discuss any conflict with them to support you.

Meadowfinch · 15/06/2025 04:39

The fact he follows you to a salon is pretty concerning. And that he bombards you with ridiculous texts accusing uou of all sorts of rubbish.

Why do you want to be with this person? He sounds nasty, controlling and unbalanced. Can you leave? Get away from him? Do you have children?

I'd disappear permanently.

Endofyear · 15/06/2025 08:18

It sounds like your partner is controlling - you're a grown woman and don't need him to follow you to the salon to make sure you got there alright! As for the arguing - it takes two people to argue. You don't have to sit there and take it, you can walk away and tell him you'll speak to him when he's calm and can speak to you in a decent manner. Are you sure the relationship is worth saving? Is he generally controlling?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2025 13:46

He’s controlling. And, couples who don’t argue at all, ever; either they don’t care about the other person’s opinion, or one of them isn’t getting their needs met. Both are bad.

DDivaStar · 15/06/2025 18:06

sallywho · 15/06/2025 01:37

He wanted to make sure I made it. That’s what he told me. I’m in therapy right now. I’m working on my issues my husband does not see how he acts is an issue. He talks to me like I’m a stranger off the street when he’s upset.

You don't need therapy you need to ditch the husband.

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