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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Co parenting hell

9 replies

Libby334 · 14/06/2025 20:47

sorry it’s long.

Me and my stbxh have been seperated since October. Currently going through divorce proceedings. He has been extremely difficult the whole way through and down right horrid with his attitudes and behaviours towards me. Mainly because he was completely bluffing this divorce and now is angry it has happened, but he has too much pride to say otherwise.
we have had to live together since October and the environment has been pretty toxic and he refuses to leave even though he has somewhere to go. I am buying him out so he’s moving out anyway. We have a toddler so are careful to be ok around her, but there have been times arguments have happened in front of her.
he booked a holiday as soon as I filed for the divorce in November, to go away with his mum and step dad and our toddler to Spain for 12 nights. He didn’t tell me he was booking it until March this year when it was mostly paid for. I asked him to change it to one week which he is refusing and now says he’s getting a court order for the 12 nights.
Up until recently our daughter has been preferring me over her dad and he doesn’t cope well with this, and often guilt trips her and has also mocked her in the past. This behaviour has calmed down as our daughter is very keen on spending time with him again which is good. but he’s stated I am “bullying” him into changing the holiday. Iv openly said I will pay for the flight change, Iv also said whilst it’s the first holiday can we keep it to a week and then going forward when she’s abit older, she can go for longer.
Also when they go is around the time we will start co parenting so I think it’s a big jump for her to go from her usual routine to being from her mum who’s she’s very attached to for 12 nights. Am I being a bully?

OP posts:
Hedgehogshelp · 14/06/2025 20:49

Yes, it’s her dad and grandparents - let her go on holiday with her family

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 14/06/2025 20:50

Has dd even got a passport? Will he actually take you to court and pay the costs?
How much does he do now alone for dd?

MyNeedyLilacBird · 14/06/2025 20:52

I didn't think your being unreasonable. 12 days is too long for a toddler to go without mum

Libby334 · 14/06/2025 20:53

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 14/06/2025 20:50

Has dd even got a passport? Will he actually take you to court and pay the costs?
How much does he do now alone for dd?

He is very good and does a lot. I just think it’s too long for her first holiday away. I have her passport, and I do think he will apply for court order

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 15/06/2025 01:47

Twelve days without mum is too long.

Libby334 · 15/06/2025 05:01

Following on from this because I have her passport he’s now being purposefully spiteful and yesterday has hidden a hose attachment I need for work on Monday. And also hidden my spare keys.

OP posts:
charabang · 15/06/2025 07:36

Personally, I'd let her go. She's with family and by your own admission is keen to spend time with her dad. If he did go to court I presume they would want to know why a week is acceptable but 12 nights isn't?

LemonSqueezy0 · 15/06/2025 07:44

I think you have other issues to contend with, if he's turning spiteful and childish, as this may escalate as the time draws nearer to the holiday.

Unfortunately he is going to be able to push for the 12 days, and as her parent can take her out of the country, as can you. I don't think he actually needs a court order, unless you have one in place to stop him.

Moving forward I think the sooner he moves out the better, and change the locks, get a custody agreement and contact arrangements in place and stick to them. Don't allow him contact inside your home.

Make sure all your documents etc are safely locked away, off premises if possible.

Definitely consider how you want things to go for the next 16 or so years. It may be better to bite your tongue now, let him have the holiday and see how she copes. You say she trusts him and he's safe, so you have no reason to say no aside from it is not what you want. It also sets the scene for your own holidays in the future,without him saying no and using your own logic against you.

Good luck, he sounds like a right arse.

TheSandgroper · 15/06/2025 09:57

I said 12 days is too long because my DM’s experience sending me to GP’s for 5 days at the age of three caused a fair amount of distress once I got home.

If she does end up going, I would suggest booking a day or two off work yourself when she comes back so she can immerse herself in Mum for a day or so. (If the plan is to be home on a Friday, not such a problem. If she would be due home on a Sunday with daycare the next day, then a day or two with mum would be better for her).

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