Would you persevere with these new friendships if…

[whiterabbity]

You were the only one making the effort?

I am very hormonal and very pregnant. Moved to a new area and wanted some mum friends for when the baby is here. I ‘met’ two women online (peanut app), have met up with one and have arranged to meet the other ‘some time’. However, I know that if I didn’t message them that they wouldn’t message me. Twice I’ve had days where I’ve not felt well enough to be on my phone and they don’t message me and sometimes take longer than 24 hours to get back to me. Fair enough, I’m not ‘annoyed’ per se but is there any point in me messaging them and keeping trying if this is how it is? I am very aware that they have lives and are busy, but I know that if I don’t message that I’d never hear from them again. Would you bother to continue trying to be friends? AIBU To give up?

I’d feel like it’s not reciprocated and let it fizzle out

I’m a bit rubbish about remembering to text my friends first but I still absolutely want to hear from them and I’m glad they don’t abandon me.

Maybe once the friendships are more established it’ll be more natural for them to text first - sounds like you’ve never even met one of them.

It’s a tricky one in your situation. I have personally started to be very protective of my time. I would only reach out a couple of times now before I leave it. I feel like it’s quite obvious if people don’t want to pursue and I’m not going to bother to chasing!

24 hours isn't very long in the scheme of things.

If someone expected me to message them every day, I would find this too suffocating. I don't speak to some of my good friends more than a couple of times a week at most.

I think your expectations are very high for new friends. Perhaps try and meet face to face every few weeks for a drink/ walk and check you have genuine connections.

Actually it's better having people who don't want to be in your pocket at all hours. Once you have the baby you can go to baby groups and make friends, but even if it's just whatsapp chats some other friends are helpful.

Remember these people you contact and the ones you're still to meet in future aren't actually mates yet, they are people you are getting to know and will get to know. Some you'll love, some you'll be indifferent to; that's OK either way. You need to give time for real friendship to grow before placing demands on their time, they are not actually your friend yet. Chat away, enjoy the contact, meet more and you'll make connections if toy stay relaxed about it all.

I think organised groups can be better, as you just turn up and see the same people every week. I've let go of a friend who never organises. It's sad but it just feels a bit rubbish if someone doesn't reciprocate.

I think it would be easier once you meet. I used Peanut when pregnant and found it hard to sustain conversation at time beyond the surface “how far along are you”, etc. I would meet in person and judge off that if I were you. Don’t feel like you won’t make any mum friends if Peanut doesn’t work out for you though, you’ll cross paths with plenty more people once baby arrives.

I am the kind of person who takes 24 hours on average to reply to a message (regardless of who it’s from) so I wouldn’t take that as an indication of whether they actually want a friendship either.

24 hours isn't a long time to respond to a text. It can take me a week to respond to my best friends.

They are mum friends so they’ll be busy with their kids no doubt? I suspect you’ll be the same when they arrive. Don’t take it personally. 24 hours is no time.