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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let him see the kids after walking out (again)?

21 replies

BluntMumOfLots85 · 14/06/2025 18:14

right just want honest answers

so after he left thursday i messaged him like i said i would and told him not to bother coming back

he didn’t reply til this afternoon saying he wants to “see the kids” and “doesn’t want drama”

not once asked how they are just said when can he come see them

oldest is still upset and the younger ones are just starting to settle again

i don’t want him coming round here like nothing’s happened then disappearing again next week

hes not even said sorry or anything

i said no not right now and he’s now saying i’m “using them against him”

AIBU to say no contact for now or should i let him see them if they ask for him

i’m just tired of the back and forth

not trying to be spiteful just protecting them but don’t want to look bad if it goes to court

honest opinions please

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 14/06/2025 18:17

No you can’t withhold access to his kids. The issue is that you keep getting back together and then splitting again, this is on both of you my mum and Dad did this throughout my childhood and it was shit.

FatLarrysBanned · 14/06/2025 18:18

If he's asking to see his children, you let him. You also ask him what he's going to do about supporting them and start a CMS claim if necessary. Children are not pawns to be used as a weapon in their parents' dramas.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 14/06/2025 18:20

How old are the kids?

GabriellaMontez · 14/06/2025 18:21

Yanbu to not let him in your house.

How old are the children?

Crunchymum · 14/06/2025 18:23

He sounds feckless and useless but ultimately you can't stop the kids seeing their dad.

I'd try and set up regular contact, IE he sees them x day, for x amount of time. If he doesn't stick to it / wants more time / fucks the kids about then you can go down the family courts route.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/06/2025 18:23

Are they his kids? If so, they are entitled to a relationship with him.
Going forwards, pre-arranged regular contact would probably work best for the children, not him just turning up as and when he feels like it. But it's all very raw, maybe tell him he can take the kids out , but you'd prefer him not to be in your house.

Enrichetta · 14/06/2025 18:25

no, you can’t withhold access.

the two of you need to come to an agreement regarding visitation, with the help of mediation if necessary.

and file for divorce. There needs to be clarity about the separation instead of this back and forth

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 14/06/2025 18:31

You can't stop him unless for every serious safety concerns. However he can take them to McDonald's.

You need to start having very clear and sensible boundaries that will reflect well on you if it heads to court.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/06/2025 18:32

Are they his children?

If so, then yes its unreasonable to stop him seeing them. Seeing your children should not be on the condition you are in a relationship with their other parent

It is not unreasonable, however to expect him to put the effort in to see them. So him to come and pick them up and take them either to where he is staying or out for a few hours until he can properly find accommodation where he can sort out having proper contact

And also, don't let him come back again and mess you about. The relationship is over, sounds like you have tried to work it out and it hasnt.

You don't need to be involved with each other but you do both the children

Lmnop22 · 14/06/2025 18:34

Unless you have genuine safeguarding concerns, you have to let him see his kids. Imagine if he left and took the kids and then refused to let you see them?

Your romantic relationship and his relationship with his children are totally separate and need to be treated as such. If you don’t mind him seeing the kids when you’re in a good romantic place, you can’t pretend or kid yourself you’ve got solid grounds to withhold access because of a slight against you in your romantic relationship.

However, stability is key so you now need to focus on setting out a plan as to when/where he has the kids and it must be always the same so the kids know exactly when they’re next seeing their dad and for how long.

Being brutally honest, it sounds to me like your kids are too aware of your relationship ups and downs and their feelings against their dad at the moment is likely a result of an exposure to your heartbreak over him walking out and the breakdown of the relationship. Try and shelter that from them as much as possible, don’t say anything negative about their dad, don’t influence them against him even subconsciously - it’s not fair on them at all.

Leeds2 · 14/06/2025 18:34

I don't know your backstory, but I would say that a child's right to have contact with both their parents is a given (unless said parent is a danger to them etc). I also don't think YABU in not wanting this man in your house, or to spend any time with him.
So, depending on the age of the children, I would possibly try and arrange a meet up with their dad at a park/soft play/cinema/Pizza Hut type thing. Maybe just for an hour, so that no one gets bored. If possible, leave them alone and then come back and collect the DC at an agreed time. My guess, sadly, is that this arrangement won't last very long anyway as I bet he won't actually be interested in having to parent his children himself, but you should make sure that you offer to let him see them in writing (text/What's App) so that you can prove that you have been reasonable in the future should you need to.
I would also prioritise submitting your claim for CMS, if you haven't already done so.

Original poster
BluntMumOfLots85 · 14/06/2025 18:46

i get that and i’m not trying to stop him seeing them forever just needed time to calm things down

the 2 he’s dad to are 11 and 2

the 11yo saw it all when he left and got really upset and the toddler don’t understand but been clingy since

i just don’t want him walking in doing hugs then vanishing again

not letting him in the house no way

if he wants proper contact he needs to step up and do it right not just when he feels like it

prob gonna look at CMS now too coz i’ve had enough of covering everything

thanks all for replying i know im not perfect in this either just trying to keep the kids steady

OP posts:
thinkfast · 14/06/2025 19:22

Well he doesn’t get to walk into your place to see them though does he? He can collect them and take them out for a bit. You should facilitate access, but you aren’t obliged to do it in your home.

Cerialkiller · 14/06/2025 19:32

Who's house is it? If his name is on it then unfortunately you can't stop him coming in anyway.

I do think that you are well within your rights not to facilitate contact and certainly not in your home (if in your name only). I would be seeking some sign of commitment from him by telling him to stick to a schedule e.g. every other weekend and a day in the week, but it might be better to do shorter and to build up. Say that he can have contact on those days and make the children available for pick up but nothing else. Ignore other dates/times.

If he keeps messing you all around then let him go to court over it. Your 11 year old does have a say at his age though and I would try to have an honest conversation about what relationship he wants with his dad and try to meet that (without setting myself on fire).

You don't have to host though.

Gimpee · 14/06/2025 19:33

No matter now you feel you have to be the strong one let him take kids out, they have to make up their own mind if you stop them you will be the bad guy.

Favouritefruits · 14/06/2025 19:35

Of course they must keep a relationship with their father but no way would I be letting him see them unsupervised, have you got a friend or family that could be a middle man and let him see the kids there? Not forever just till he definitely steps up and sees them regularly

Cherrysoup · 14/06/2025 19:39

Your house? He can pick them up at the door take them out for the day. Get a cms claim going.

Gimpee · 14/06/2025 19:41

You have to stop letting him back and then he goes again if it's over then walk away I spent 17 years with husband who was abusive only thought of himself and was a bad role model as a father now I have two sons with mental health issues because they experienced that think what's best for children

babystarsandmoon · 14/06/2025 19:45

I would stop him if he thinks your lives are a revolving door.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2025 19:46

Where’s he living now? You make them available and he takes them elsewhere to see them, his place, the park, a cafe etc. Sort a decent fair routine. Open a claim with the CMS.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/06/2025 20:07

@BluntMumOfLots85 if i remember correctly this is your house! no access to the kids inside your house. he can take them down to the park or go to whichever sofa he is currently surfing on! then go for child support through the courts.

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