Neighbour asked to look inside my home

[Regularwithregularissue]

She has severe mental health issues such as in and out of hospitals so I don’t know if this is affecting her ways to be appropriate (is that the right word?) or not and no offence to anyone

since I moved in two years ago she has been friendly but I have been told by others she is a gossip, so I have not told her anything personal.

a couple times she has followed me on dog walks which is annoying because it takes longer than usual but that has stopped.

recently however, she has twice now asked to look inside my home. The first time caught me off guard and I said yes, my flat wasn’t decorated, had no flooring etc but now I have and she has again approached me before I was going to work, to ask if I had decorated and can she see, I said no not yet, which is a lie but it made me uncomfortable.

she also reached in for a hug which again, I don’t want nobody touching me especially people I don’t know.

i don’t know how to approach this? I don’t want to be horrible as I don’t know if it’s her mental health making her act like this or what?

advice?

'Sorry, my home is my private space.'
If she tries to follow you just walk at your normal speed.
It sounds like she needs support but YANBU not to be that support or to put in place boundaries. 😃

Yanbu she needs professional help, i would be making my excuses when she asks and getting away on my merry way quickly.

If she starts a conversation, say hello but keep walking and make it clear you're busy. If she knocks on your door, either don't answer it, or answer it but again make it clear you're in the middle of something and don't hang around chatting. She can only continue to behave like this if you're giving something back.

I have a neighbour (for many years) who can be a bit like this. We do help her with things sometimes and she has also helped us out with various neighbourly things. But we do sometimes have to say to her ‘ I’m busy Agnes I cannot talk just now’ or whatever and say it clearly. She does respond to these clear directions and boundaries.

I think I have been to nice when I moved in should have just kept myself to myself

Sounds like she's just being normal. She perhaps sees herself as a bit of a friend and is trying to invite herself in as a way to seem friendly, engage a bit more with you, show an interest in your decorating, and perhaps get a cuppa with you and enjoy your company.

I'm not sure what her mental health has to do with things. You either like her and would like to be her friend, or you'd prefer to keep your distance as she's not your cup of tea. If it's the latter, then please try and be a bit clearer with her. At the moment I think she thinks you like her and you r building a friendship.

I feel a bit sorry for her as you seem to be stringing her along and judging her based on her mental health difficulties which you likely know nothing about, and based on other people's gossip and hearsay.

I’m definitely not judging her because if that was the case I wouldn’t have spoken to her in the first place, a lot of people in the neighbourhood ignore her or don’t bother with her. I just don’t want to be on that type of relationship with any neighbours to be honest, I don’t want anyone in my home

Fair enough, then you need to make that a bit clearer to her. From this woman's perspective, she sees your friendliness as likely meaning you'd be happy to be friends. I agree with the previous poster, nod, smile, say hello and walk on. When she arrives at your house let her know you r busy. Don't walk your dogs together or engage as it's sending her mixed messages.

So.. for me it’s about establishing consistent boundaries as well. It’s absolutely fine to be both polite and firm. Just a simple “no thanks” or “I must get on, have a lovely day” if you’re out and about. Kind but firm. No need to justify yourself.

If this individual does have mental health or any other challenges (full disclosure: bipolar and previously sectioned here), then what you’re doing is modelling kind, appropriate boundaries and behavior. It can be really hard when those lines are blurred for any reason, and actually it’s sometimes helpful to be reminded what those interactions need to look like. Sounds like she may have misinterpreted earlier blurred boundaries a little, so I guess I see it as a chance to reset those. It sounds like you are very kind and empathetic - thank you as someone who really appreciates that.

I would continue to be friendly and polite when you see her but as others have said, set some boundaries such as saying no if she asks to see your flat or saying, 'I have to go now' firmly.

My MIL has MH issues. She’s a very kind, caring person who thinks the whole world is a kind and caring place and, sadly, I think that plays into a lot of her MH issues as people take advantage, but it also means she adopts friendships quickly with people who are not always the most appropriate and struggles to see the bad in anyone. She also is over friendly herself as part of this to nattering away to people and struggles to sometimes understand their boundaries. A truly sweet woman, but almost a little lost in the world.

As such, as others have said, being firm but kind in these situations is the best way ‘I am really sorry, I must go now as I am very busy’ or ‘I am sorry, but I don’t like having people in my home as it’s my personal sanctuary and I like to keep it that way’. ‘Oh sorry, life’s a bit hectic for me at the moment, I can’t stop’ and if she tried to join you on a walk ‘I was hoping for some time to myself today as I need a little thinking time’. Rinse and repeat.

She might just be lonely / being over friendly.

I used to have an unwell neighbour who was convinced she had a stalker that hid in the neighbours house, and called the police about it repeatedly (often in the middle of the night…) - so it could be a slippery slope accommodating her requests

Harsh as it sounds you need to stop doing the polite thing of explaining and saying not yet etc because she won't get what you mean and likely thinks you mean it when you imply she can come in and look at a later date.

You need to say no.

No.
Why not?
I don't want to show neighbours round my house. I find it intrusive.

Following you on walks - don't slow down. Tell her it might not be a good idea because you only have a short time to do it and it will be too fast for her.

If you let her latch onto you then she will get worse and worse and worse and one day she'll knock you up at 2am, off her absolute tits, demand you let her in and hug her then ask you why you're so fat and complain that your house looks nicer than hers then make a sexual comment to your husband.

And you'll sit there with your arm round her imagining repeatedly kicking yourself up your arse for not keeping her at arms length.

In case it isn't obvious, I speak from experience.