High conflict coparent-how best to navigate times when you both attend the same event?

[BookArt55]

6 and 3 year old. 6 year old had an award ceremony for his sport last night, it landed on dad's time but DS said he wanted me to attend, i do all of this sport, dad doesn'tagree with the sport and never attends. Dad was verbally, emotionally and financially abusive towards me, court order in place with me having 9/14 nights, no communication except a parenting app, it is very high conflict. Split 1.5 years, but very few situations arise that fit this description..

Earlier in the week I explained to the kids I would attend, that I would say hello and goodbye to them and that they should enjoy themselves (in other words don'tworry about me). I said this because ex talks negatively about me to the kids and tells them adult stuff (judge agreed), and my presence means dad is more likely to say and do things to upset the kids, i didn'twant the kids to feel torn as had hapened on one other occasionlast year. I thought this would be the best way to manage it.

They arrived just in time, both kids become overwhelmed in the loud and busy environment and dad wouldn't sit near the rest of the team so DS didn't get to interact with his team mates at all. DS saw me and I waved and briefly went over and said hello, DS cuddled dad, both kids didn't want to speak to me. I returned to my seat as awards were beginning.

DS didn't sit with team mates as coach requested which I put down slightly to dad not encouraging but mainly DS lacks confidence. I also think me and dad being in the same room affected both kids, they understand our dynamic is not good and 'daddy doesn't like mummy' which is awful for them...

Awards are given, coach misses our son because he isn't at the front. In the break I go over to coach and ask for the award, he loves being silly with my son so took the award over with me. Son didn't interact at all, dad didn't interact with coach either. Dd was not happy, a bit overwhelmed but was not getting hugs and dad was gently pushing her away and giving DS his full attention. DD recoiled from me, turned away from me. DS then chose to hug me, I picked him up and he stopped crying, breathing calmed, he smiled, he said he was proud of himself and I said I was too. Dad then said it was time to go just as I was saying goodbye. DD had now sat on dad's lap but was being ignored as dad was on his phone. I gave them both a kiss on the head, said goodbye and left.

The problem is... my son has his other sport today, it is an exam. Again, I have done every exam and son is adamant he wants me to attend to support him and 'help me feel confident'. So I have to attend. But I don't know what best way to approach it. I don't want to go anywhere near dad, I hold it together in the moment and whenever I am in front of the kids but after I have tears, shaking, and resort back to how I was in the relationship.

I also don't want my kids to feel any more uncomfortable than they need to be.

So really, what can I do to support the kid's? I think I need to say hello, goodbye, and well done. Keep it as short as possible.

But also how do I cope with my kids, for want of a better word, rejecting me? We are extremely close and very loving. From what i have read i hope this is their defense mechanism kicking in in what is an extremely difficult and rare situation for us. But I can't help but worry that dad will continue to say things to them that may make them 'choose' him, but the other part is what if I am a bad parent? At handovers they go to daddy with no problem. When he drops them off at the same location they have tears sometimes when leaving him, instantly asking for more time with daddy (but they use adult language, exact wording from the court, not their usual speech).

Any advice would be really appreciated. This coparenting stuff never gets easier.

I feel huge sympathy for you. I have a close relative in a similar situation with a hugely toxic ex.

My only reflection is that... kids know. They know who is kind to them and who isn't. Who they feel comfortable with and who they don't. Who puts their needs first and who is selfish.

But they also learn how to behave to protect themselves, how to avoid conflict and when to not be their full selves.

My relative had all of the same qualms as you, wondered if her poisonous ex would turn the kids against her, worried when he took them on glamorous trips abroad that their heads would be turned...

And her kids are now adults, have no contact with their dad (their choice) and can relate to her all the times in their childhood when he made things difficult and awkward and uncomfortable.

Do the best you can. Love and support them. Put their needs first, as well as you can. He may make things hard for you all. They will know.

Your children aren’t rejecting you. They are doing what they are supposed to do - relying on dad in his time.

Tell the children what your plan is so they expect what you will be doing. It’s possible your children didn’t know how to behave yesterday as it wasn’t the normal routine.

As for you, go in, wave hello so they know you are there and sit at the back with knitting, crochet or embroidery. You are supportive but not infringing, sort of.

Afterwards, yes, quick hug, kiss, congratulations, goodbye and have a nice time with Daddy. And if you need to weep in the car, well, so be it.

@MasterBeth thanks you so much for this, it really, really helped. I'm so happy to hear your relative's kids were able to get through it and see the truth. I keep saying to myself they are just protecting themselves, just as I did when in the relationship. But that niggling feeling is very loud this morning.
The only family member I have who has been through something similar was the step dad in the situation. Court ordered dad have no contact with youngest sibling due to abuse, and then the oldest sibling chose to live with their dad full time and have no contact with sibling, mum, step dad or any of the mum's family. They are hoping when he turns 18 soon that this might change...So it is good to hear of a story where that doesn't happen, thank you.

@TheSandgroper thank you. Yes I like that perspective, relying on dad during his time makes sense. And I will follow the other advice for today!

You both need to put your children first and ignore nasty conversations/vibes with your ex. If you are at an event together just smile and say hello then leave it at that.
If you cry afterwards away from the children that is okay. You will become stronger and will help your children to become more confident.
I was in your situation once and now have a good relationship with my ex, once I held my head high and he realised that he couldn’t hurt me any more.

I am in a similar situation but years into it. My advice would be to take a huge step back if it's something in your ex's time. Either don't go at all, or go but stay out the way - maybe just quickly popping past to say hi at the end.

The more control you try and take over situations like this, the worse your ex will be.

The only joint things I ever attend are school thinks like sports day or concerts. Anything else it would have to be hugely major for me to consider going. It's best for the kids not to have that sort of dynamic at something they enjoy.

@Justhere65 I couldn't agree more. I always say hello, I keep it light and airy. I don't retaliate. Normally if I get within a 6 metre distance of him he makes a scene at handover at the neutral location (recently I just wanted to hand over the medicine, as one child was unwell and the other child is allergic to the medicine, medicine was put on the floor, I waved goodbye and left). My goal is not let dad know he has hurt me at all, as if I do let on he does it more.

Exactly and you articulated it so well. I just could not be doing with the drama.

I would say not to go when it's his time. You'll miss some things but it's his time. Explain to your children that you're there in spirit, supporting from afar.

I would stop going to any events that are during DH time.
Just explain to DS that he will be with Daddy, and that you can't go. Don't give any reason why you can't go, don't blame DH, just say "I can't go, but you will be with Daddy who will look after you".

If this kind of thing happens regularly, consider if it would be easier all round for him to drop the sport.
Only sign him up for activities that take place solely during your contact time.

I think it's normal for parents not to be able to go to every event their child would like them to even in deal circumstances. My parents were together but my mum barely went to anything as she was working, she explained this very early and consistently and I don't have any memory now of being upset she wasn't there.

I'd not wait for your DS to say he'd love you to be at events on your ex's time. Get in ahead and tell him that event coming up is on Daddy's day, you will be thinking of him the whole time but won't be able to come.