DS has no ambition

[goddessofplenty]

I’ve never been one to hothouse ds. He’s a bright boy, goes to a grammar and is comfortably average doing the absolute bare minimum he needs to. .. but he’s getting to that age where the exams that matter (GCSEs etc) are about to begin and I know that with a respectable level of focus he’d probably be Bs and As across all of his chosen subjects… but this is a boy who actively avoids accolades and recognition. First team in rugby? Asks to be put in the second. Accidentally finds himself in the quarter finals of the school poetry reading competition after selecting an entry he was convinced would be a sure fire loser? Is sick for the semi finals (I only found out afterwards that I’d been duped). I feel I need to step it up and force him off his computer and make him apply himself for his final secondary years. AIBU? Will it even make a difference? And if it does, will he even care? I’m really not wanting to make things pointlessly harder for both of us, but worry that if he doesn’t learn he needs to work hard now, he’ll just drift forever.

Sounds like his self esteem may be low.
Do you think that he may have Imposter Syndrome rather than lack ambition and be too lazy to get off the computer ?
Does he have post GCSE goals? My ds worked out what he wanted to do with his life at 17. Until then he definitely drifted through school as school is the conveyer belt that is “expected” for teens.

Parent of a DS underachiever here. It’s frustrating, but you cannot force this. If he is bright, he will probably do reasonably well on GCSEs with minimal effort anyway. My son was a bad fit for the mainstream sausage machine that is the education system, so we had to work out ways for him to focus his efforts without getting into fixed and pointless battles. From what you describe, it sounds like he dislikes conventional accolades, etc. Have a chat with him about his interests, concerns etc, and listen to what he says (and I know adolescent boys are pretty inarticulate) Music was our saviour and now as an adult mine works in film sound production. Good luck!

GCSE grades are now 9-1 so it will help you to know that he needs to be aiming for 4 and above. (9 bring the highest). I teach secondary and have a son similar to yours. If he is attending school, doing his homework and getting decent grades, honestly, leave him alone for now. See what happens at the end of Y10 exams and mocks. I've seen students go up 20 grades in total across their subjects between mocks and the real exams. And if he gets 5/6/7 then he'll have enough for next steps. Not everyone hits their stride at the time they are meant to. Let him enjoy rugby in the second team. Not everyone wants glory and prestige. There's a lot to be said for the quiet calm life. If he starts to narrow his life to his bedroom and X box, stops sports and starts missing homework, that's the time to step up but right now he's doing what he needs to. He may not find his path til later teens or twenties or never, just ticking over, getting along. My DSis is like that. She runs a house, does a desk job she switches off from at 5 on the dot. There are worse ways to live.

Very sensible response. Not everyone is ambitious.

Well it does sound like he’s lacking in confidence, or self-esteem.
May well depend on his home set-up as well? Is he an only child?
Just wondering, as I was the youngest of 3 and there was definitely a bit of competition going on between us!
If you are really worried, seeing a counsellor may help. Individually to start with, and then together.
And if he doesn’t know what he wants to do after school, ie no burning ambition to do something in particular, he may just not have much incentive yet.

I have 3 boys, have always worked and earned a good salary, and my husband works full time too. The boys have grown up seeing this, have a good ‘work ethic’, and again, there’s a bit of competition going on. The youngest was a bit lazy at school until he was about 16, then suddenly realised that he did actually have to study to get good A level grades! So he’s really working at it now and is determined to get into his chosen University.
So it may be that your son will see his friends studying really hard and do the same when the time comes?

I’ve voted that you are not BU as I understand very well the frustration and anxiety (and in my case the sheer rage at times) when confronted by a determined under achiever. I did dig in and get embroiled in a battle of wills to get him through GCSEs, keep him in sixth form, get him through the A levels, into a good university, and then through a repeated year to graduation with a good degree. It was long, exhausting and at times expensive because the best option was often outsourcing the additional support to tutors from whom he would accept the advice and teaching that he would not accept from his parents or teachers. I found a personal trainer at one point to help encourage good habits rather than endless parental nagging about smoking and drinking!

I don’t really know what general advice to draw from this! Maturity comes slowly to some? I insisted on paid work from an early (15) age and this is a habit he kept throughout his studies so he has a strong sense of what is needed in a workplace and the capacity to earn money and a good record of finding and keeping work, even through the pandemic when hospitality and retail were closed off ( he got a job in a COVID testing lab, a Deliveroo registration and one summer a job labouring on building sites). He’s learned how to budget , has great friends and social life and a lovely, ambitious girlfriend who has helped light a fire under his own ambition.

so I would say, don’t give up, and recruit extra help. One of the life skills young people need to learn is that they don’t know it all and they will make faster progress if they secure advice and support from experts and surrounding themselves with positive influences. That goes for academic work, health, money, career development, job search skills. Find things to praise as well.

good luck, they do grow up eventually!

This sounds more like anxiety/low self esteem/fear of failure. Active avoidance of pressure/demands and probably most importantly attention.
I have one, the same age. .A master in avoidance and procrastination. Can't bear to even hear about his school achievement points! Can even come across as quite arrogant and aggressively annoyed if I casually mention them. "I don't care! They mean nothing to me!" Refuses help with anything. Won't even tell you if he has homework
Doesn't revise for exams. I've been waiting for him to come a cropper, and get a bit of a boot up the backside, but it hasn't happened yet. He's very clever, and seems to accidently do well. It's very frustrating, as he has so much potential.
However..... given the reasons I suspect are behind his behaviours, I leave him to it. I'm delighted he is able to just turn up to exams, without being a bag of nerves, and can perform well, if not as well as he could. I've seen the opposite happen, to very clever children.
Tread very carefully OP. Pressure and expectations, even self imposed, could be disastrous.
My aim is to work, very covertly, on his self esteem. Lots of love. Gentle, casual, off the cuff, acknowledgment, (as I leave the room!), for things done well.
No "imagine what you could of done if you had revised".
Have you spoken to school? My son's teachers were amazed to hear that he doesn't revise, at all. He's very quiet, unless alone with his good friends, and he slips under the radar in terms of noticing anything "unusual".
Sorry that's long, and all about my son, but I've done that to see if you recognise any of the picture. It's a complex one,and nothing to do with lack of ambition or laziness.
I wish you and your son all the best.

Echoing what others have said. I had two bright, hard working keen kids, and one who just coasted... stayed under the radar, didn't ever do more than the bare minimum and had no idea what he wanted to do next. To this day I don't really know if it was a lack of self confidence in his ability at school (his siblings were very able and I know he did feel a bit 'thick' in comparison ) but he didn't fit school life as easily as they did. Exams were stressful to say the least (for me!)

When he left with mediocre results he didn't want to go to university, worked a variety of jobs, met a girl and is now happily married and living on the other side of the world, working a job he enjoys but that gives him to time for his passion..music. His siblings are genuinely in awe of his musical ability, and how he gets to make some money from his voice!

His siblings are in careers that are generally admired and pay well, but actually he is the one with the best work life balance!

Just support without nagging... he'll find his way in time!

If he is at a grammar you may find that he can get 7s and still ensure he isn't out performing anyone.

Is he a gamer

That isn't lack of ambition, that's fear of failing or struggling with the pressure that comes with being good at something. You're not going to fix it by banning computer time and putting more pressure on him.

There's a lot to be said for coasting. Be glad he's naturally intelligent and has that option. Less stress, less competition He's old enough now to decide his own course.

Yep

Yep - just got 6/7s in Year 9, apparently you ‘can’t’ do much better yet.