To be worried about my son and his relationship

[Enterusername111333]

20 year old son, studying and at home. He's a lovely, gentle and sociable lad.

He's been with his current gf for 18 months. We've welcomed her with open arms, she stays over, has meals with us and has been on holiday with us.

On holiday we noticed how lazy and demanding she was. Never wanted to do anything other than come out for dinner, moaned about it being hot and moaned when DS wanted to go out or do some activities with us. One night they went out for dinner they came back to the villa an hour later as a waiter dripped something on her top. She was so worried about it staining but left it lying for me to wash and hang out!

DS was quite active. Goes for walks, camping with friends but hasn't done or planned anything as she isn't into that. When she comes over they spend 2 days in his room ordering food and playing games. He's putting on weight.

I feel his spark is being dulled, he's always the one compromising. She's a fussy eater (pizza and chicken nuggets) and he is quote adventurous but now only eats out at whetherspoons. He isn't seeing his friends as much.

I do like her and am happy he's happy but don't want him being downtrodden like this.

Please tell us you didn't actually wash the top?

left it lying for me to wash and hang out!

I hope you ignored it
Or just said oh try with some shampoo/hand-wash
You are not responsible for washing anyone s clothes on holiday

I wish my parents had told me something when I started to see my ex husband. Thinking about it there were all the clues for what came later, I am sure my parents saw them but I brushed them under the carpet and now with two small kids I am picking up the pieces. You can’t badmouth her but you should point to him that you see him changed and you feel not excercising, eating badly, not seeing his friends does not look like him. Just talk to him and see what he says. If anyone had taken the time to have a chat with me, pointing all the things I was accepting that were really not right back then maybe I would have made a different choice

Understand where you are coming from BUT it is his relationship not yours. The penny will drop eventually perhaps with the help of his friendship group noticing and remarking but anything you say is likely to make him dig his heels in. Just try and appear oblivious to it(even though you are obviously not!)

Bit of a different perspective.

Could it be she just doesn't enjoy the activities? Finds social occasions a bit overwhelming? And enjoys playing video games instead of being active and your son is choosing to spend time with her doing that?

If they're not well suited it won't last, but labelling someone as being lazy because they aren't enjoying a holiday they didn't pick for themselves feels harsh. Regarding the top; suspect it was an excuse to go back to her room.

As an autistic, on holiday I also avoided many of the activities and chose to do my own special interests instead and spent time in our room regularly to help regulate. I suspect if my MIL was less understanding she may have posted about this. But then, my other half was never very sporty before we got together either.

Well it sort of is a mother’s business to worry about her son. But I agree with others that it will probably fizzle out.

This here. Why did you wash it, OP? And then complain about it!

A lot of men will do a LOT for regular access to sex.

Your son is probably one of those men.

I wouldn't have washed top either, make a meal for all of you then tell her to do washing up. You have to let them make own mistakes when they go from children to adults I think it's harder than terrible two's it's just about picking them back up

She can worry about it all she likes, it’s still not her business when he’s an adult man.

Why did you wash her top?? Surely she’s old enough to operate a washing machine.

He’s really young, they’ll break up sooner or later. You can’t do very much about it, if you speak to him about it, it’ll just push him further her way I expect.
More fool you re washing her clothes!

I would say he’s copying your behaviour. You accommodated her by washing her top and hanging it up. Be a role model for him and show you don’t have to accommodate every whim of your partner /daughter in law.

He’s an adult OP. And, while it doesn’t sound like they are very alike, nothing you’ve described is exactly terrible and,as you say, he seems happy. If you are too heavy handed with this you’re the one who will
come off badly. He has to make his own mistakes.

At 20 you are not an adult you think you are but you actually hit adulthood at 30 ish. Think back at 20 were you adult? He is still a young man starting out in life will make lots of mistakes when you get older then it's experience all you can do is support him?