Had enough of unequal treatment

[turninganewleafagain]

Maybe im petty but this is really getting on my last nerve.

I’m on maternity leave and have 2 little ones at home. The others are at full time school.

My sister and her DH both work full time but her two children are in childcare/nursey three days a week and the other 2 days my mum and dad look after them from 7:30am - 5:30pm and sometimes overnight.

One of the two days a week I take my two to my mums house or they come to my house and we will do something free like the park, go for a walk, arts and crafts in the house etc. On the other day we go out somewhere like soft play, lunch, swimming etc.

All great so far but when we go on days out my mum and dad pay for my sister’s children and themselves and I pay for myself and my children. It’s not so bad when it’s something like soft play as it’s about £15 but often it’s to more expensive places like today they wanted to go to the aquarium which was over £30 for my ticket alone. I said I couldn’t afford it and was told “that’s a shame” and they went anyway. I’ve just spoken to my mum on the phone and said I felt hurt that they didn’t offer to pay for my family as they pay every week for my sister’s children and she told me I should have thought about having so many children if I couldn’t afford days out for them.
If that wasn’t bad enough here’s the real kicker I have 6 children but my THREE oldest are my brothers children as him and his ex girlfriend are a disgrace so I’ve looked after them with my DH for the last 5 years. I have put the bloody phone down and just burst into tears.

My parents don’t offer any childcare for any of my 6 children ever and my sister and her DH have about the same take home pay as my family give or take a few grand. They have bought a house double the price of ours but probably have the same disposable income as they have 2 children and we have 6.

I am honestly thinking I won’t be hosting them at my house any more and reduce the days out but then that isn’t fair on my two.

Also the other four children wouldn’t be upset not going today as they have other days/trips and things for them planned

i just don’t know what to do for the best for everyone?

Does your sister pay your mum to look after the children? If so, that would make sense as to why they pay for their activities and not yours.

@Screamingabdabzno she does not pay a penny nor contribute to any petrol or food at all.

Sorry your parents attitude is pretty shitty. You’ve done an amazing thing by stepping up and caring for your neices/ nephews. Is there any resentment there about you caring for them? Really they should be supporting your family more due to what you’ve taken in regardless of your own 3 bio kids.

If three of your six are also her grandchildren from your brother who you are caring for, that's a bananas thing for her to say as you're being a great person by looking after them. I would plan fun activities you can afford and not invite them as, if they can't see you need support in your caring also, then you shouldn't let them join in your joyful times. People earn the right to be included, being family isn't a life sentence to being mistreated. Hope you have lots of joyful times and money magics to you on top of that!

It’s funny you have just said that about the resentment because when we do go out and get chatting to people as you do when your a mum and I say I have 6 children people always comment on how that must be hard work and my mum does make comments like “oh yes super woman this one” with an eye roll etc

Yes all 6 are her biological grandchildren. You know what you are right. I think my best option is to plan ahead and just be unavailable to join them on their activities so I won’t feel guilty not taking my two with them. It’s just a shame as all the cousins get on so well and look forward to seeing each other but I can’t go on being treated this way

Once you are calm I would send her a text or email and state how upset you are with the unequal treatment, that she pays for two of her grandchildren but not the rest, something the older ones have picked up on, how unequally they are being treated

i would remind her that three of the children are her sons, but you and your husband have stepped up to give them a childhood they otherwise wouldn't have had because of her son, and your sister did not, would she really have wanted her grandchildren to go into care?

I would then finish with saying you need to take a break from her at the moment as you can no longer cope with the inequality she is showing to her grandchildren by you

then stop seeing her for a while

That’s really rubbish. Sorry, OP, they are being unreasonable and lacking empathy for your situation. They are also treating your sibling more favourably.

You are doing a wonderful thing taking on your nieces/nephews, and rather than offer support, they chose to criticise.

Wow OP you and your husband are amazing for taking on 3 extra children.

Your mum sounds like a real cow.

It's really hurtful when parents favour one child and make it so obvious. You'd think she'd really admire you taking in your brother's children.

Why didnt your mum take your brothers children? Why does she not do anything with them?

id be cutting them all off.

She sounds vile. Rolling her eyes at you taking on your nephews and making snide comments.

I'd have nothing but admiration for it.

I wonder if she feels guilty at producing such a fuck up of a son or not taking the boys on herself.

So this was me reading the OP…

Hmm not sure why the Sister’s childcare or work is relevant….ok sounds like pretty equal time split…well ok 6 kids is a lot for someone else to pay for…yes I can see gran’s point about choosing to have 6 kids…oh wait what fresh hell is this…3 of them are the brother’s kids?!

Your mother sucks OP. And yes she needs a reminder that you could afford more activities with less kids….ya know your brother’s kids a.k.a. Her other grandkids.

I doubt they want to pay for your sister's kids either but they might not feel comfortable asking for the money. Do they only pay because your sister isn't there? Do they pay for your sister's kids when your sister is around? Can they afford to pay for all the kids?

I am surprised you don't receive more support for your brother's kids - it that because they are old enough to be a bit more independent?

Either way - being even and fair when your kids get older becomes very tricky, I tie myself up in knots trying to be fair to bothe my adult kids and it pisses me off something chronic when they whinge about how unfair I'm being - it sometimes feels like I am just a resource to be emploited.

I'm now practising the art of saying no and letting them get on with it - my kids would and do just keep taking.

my advice is prioritise yourself and your family (ie those that are in your house when you fall asleep). I say this as someone with a useless brother (he’s in prison atm and gets way more attention/energy from my DM than I or my kids do).

Was there ever anyone else like your parents in the ‘running’ to look after the children?
it does seem like a nasty thing for them to say when you’re literally doing a huge public service to those kids and their parents. The alternative would be foster care.

your parents should be singing your praises not putting you down.

She’s snotty because she Knows she and her DH should have stepped up to help with her useless sons family.
Doesn’t want reminded of it.

This with bloody bells on. So 3 kids in the care system if you hadn't stepped up? You and your husband are bloody heroes in my opinion.

Are you getting all the financial help you're entitled to? Are you an official kinship carer, receiving kinship carer allowance? Child benefit?

Your mum is a twat. I bet your bonus kids are happy not to live with her instead.

Btw I understand why you see them as your own kids, but people are judgemental - if they're in school and old enough to understand, have you had a chat with them about how they'd like to be referred to? Adoptive, bonus, nieces/nephews, kids...

You’re looking after your brother’s 3 children and your mum criticises you for having more children than you can afford?? Is she out of her mind??

You sound like a brilliant mum and you and your DH are amazing for taking in your brother's children as your own - what a beautiful thing to do!

I wouldn't spend much time with your parents, I don't know what's wrong with them - perhaps they feel responsible for how your brother turned out and are taking their guilt out on you. I would make plans with friends to do days out and activities instead. We didn't have much money when our kids were small and days out were picnics, walks in the woods, cheap camping trips. They're all adults now and they look back on those times with great memories.

You are honestly a wonderful person for taking in three children who would otherwise have likely ended up in separate foster placements. I cannot even imagine how hard you work every single day to keep everyone fed and clothed and happy.

OTOH your mum is a fucking disgrace. I genuinely cannot believe that remark, I think I'd have hit the fucking roof and possibly her too.

Did she offer to take in the 3 grandchildren? Did your sister? Do they ever have them for the odd weekend so you get a breather? I'd have to lay all this out to her then say I need some time away from you until you realise how deranged your attitude is and if you're going to be such a bitch I don't want you near my children.

Your mum sounds pretty awful OP. I would tell her a few home truths and stop seeing her. I can't believe that she actually said that you should have thought about having too many children if you can't afford days out for them. That is an unbelievably shitty thing for her to say when it's her son that abandoned or couldn't look after his own family so you had to step up. Would she have preferred these kids to go into care? Does she feel guilty that she doesn't do anything to help, either practically or financially?

I can totally understand your frustration. You didn’t choose to have 6 DC, but doing a wonderful thing by stepping in and stopping her GC going into care. Surely she should be offering to help pay for those DC, who you didn’t choose to have, but are now financially responsible for, rather than those who have 2 parents at home who should be chipping in for days out when their DC are in their care. I’d just step back from days out with them, and if they say anything i’d be honest.

It's so hard, when circumstances force us to realise that we are better mothers than our own mothers, and that definitely applies to you OP! And your dad too (sorry I can't recall if he's involved, and can't seem to view the initial post again). They are offensive people with offensive ways.

I would honestly tell her/ them straight, once, without getting angry or apologising or trying to placate, all you've outlined here. And then I would pour all of my efforts into my own family (ie your husband and all the kids) and have very, very little spare time or energy for your parents.

Genuinely, fuck 'em. If they aren't for you, they are against you. And that hurts so much to realise, but you have so much else in your life to be exceptionally proud of and invested in.

I know it's like throwing a sock into a hurricane lol, in terms of carving out time and money for your own needs, but therapy would be amazing for you (I appreciate it can be almost impossible to access, time, money etc). Wishing you well OP